National Lampoon Presents Dorm Daze

Hey, Pete! Hey, hold this.

I bought some sausage to go with crackers

for Adrienne and me because we made out last night.

Think she likes crackers?

I can't right now. I gotta go. I'm in a hurry.

I bought French sausage

because I believe Adrienne's family is of French descent.

Interesting. Look, I gotta go.

There should be plenty if you want some later.

- Okay. Good luck. - See you.

- You all right? Go! - Wish me luck!

Last final. Aced it, baby. Aced it!

Party time!

It all starts now.

Hey, I'm trying to study.

Booker, you finished your last final yesterday.

I'm getting a head start on next semester.

Wrong kind of head, little brother, because today, you become a man.

No longer--get up--will you look at yourself and see a little boy.

No longer will you cry in the shower knowing no matter how hard you scrub,

you cannot rid yourself of that most heinous of afflictions.

- Virginity! - I don't cry in the shower.

Settle down.

This is all a very complicated process, so pay attention.

Chicks won't have sex with a guy unless the guy's bagged at least four other chicks.

Girls are shallow and want a guy with experience--like me.

How am I supposed to have sex with a girl

if girls won't have sex with a guy who hasn't had sex?

The same way all men have been doing it for thousands of years.

- The on-ramp to manhood--whores. - I'm not going to a hooker!

- Don't you wanna be cool like me? - You're not cool.

Yes, I am.

Look, I figured you'd try and pussy out like this,

being the pussy that you are, you pussy!

So I've already called an escort service, your whore's on the way,

and I told everyone, so they're all gonna think you're a homo if you don't do her.

I'm not giving my special gift to a hooker.

I'm in love with Rachel.

You're a fag!

Forget that prude.

And that's for calling virginity your special gift.

If you must call it something, call it your horrible shame,

because that's what it is,

Did you really tell everyone you got me a hooker?

Yes.

Now, you're gonna have sex with this whore, and you're gonna like it.

Merry Christmas.

Did you hear? Styles got Booker a prostitute.

- No way. - Yes, way! He told me himself.

Pete, you've gotta hear this.

- I gotta meet someone at the station. - Friend from out of town?

We're carpooling home for break.

- What's with the Christmas tree? - Foosball bought it.

We're not supposed to have Christmas trees--it's a fire hazard.

But the R.A. went home,

Whatever. See ya.

No, I can't come down.

No, I can't!

Adrienne, did you hear about the prostitute?

Yeah, Styles told me.

It's disgusting. I don't even think we should let her in the house.

- I agree. - Tony, did you hear?

Yes, I heard about the prostitute, and, no, I don't care.

- But prostitution-- - You know what?

You two need to stay out of other people's shit.

You need to get a life.

He's such an asshole. I don't know why Claire's with him.

Yeah, what an asshole.

- Don't you think Tony's an asshole? - Yeah.

- What's your problem? - I kinda made out with Newmar last night.

I'm trying to avoid him.

I don't even need to tell you how pathetic that is.

Maybe he'll forget about it over Christmas.

- I doubt it. He's Jewish. - How long are you here?

My last final's on Saturday. I can't leave until then.

Come on, Lynne. Let's go yell at Styles.

No prostitute is coming into this dorm if I have anything to say about it.

- Hey, Adrienne. - Gerri, how was the spelunking trip?

It was tough but sort of interesting.

What's this? From the university.

Maybe your appeal went through.

I wish. There's no way I'm getting my scholarship back for next semester.

My grades were true shit.

- Who's the package from? - I don't know.

I knew it. They rejected the appeal. Oh, well. So much for college.

- What are you gonna do? - I don't see that there's--

Have a great holiday, too.

- Hey, guys. What's up? - Hi, Claire.

Gerri, I'm going to the gym. It's cardio-abs day. Wanna come?

- That was close. - Explanation?

I kinda borrowed Claire's favorite handbag without asking,

and I have no idea where I left it.

I'm trying to avoid her until I can find it.

Or maybe she'll forget about it over Christmas.

Yeah, you're screwed.

Do me a favor? A foreign exchange student's meeting me here soon,

but I have to run down to work.

- Could you meet her for me? - I'd like to, but I got a lot of--

Hey, Wang. Hey, have you seen Adrienne?

No. Could you do me a favor?

Yeah. Maybe later, buddy.

But--but...

- You lose his bag, too? - We kinda hooked up last night.

Shut up! I was depressed.

I was hitting on Foosball all night and he was totally ignoring me.

- lsn't Foosball gay? - No!

- Sure. I'm here for you. - Thanks, Foos.

Her name's Dominique, she's French,

and she's gonna call my phone, so hang on to it.

Do you still have my copy of Steel Magnolias?

Booker's got it, I think. He and Rachel were watching it.

- By the way, you're gay, right? - Yeah.

Suck one! It's a free country and I can get a whore if I want to!

No, you can't. It's against the law.

Yeah, you're going to jail, mister.

Suck one!

Oh, my God!

Did I just hit you? I am so sorry!

It's okay.

I was just looking for my handbag.

Okay. Well, did I leave my books in here?

I don't know. I didn't see them. But you can look if you want.

I'm on the way to the gym, okay? Bye, baby.

"Britney, hope this takes care of things.

Call me if you need anything else. Lorenzo."

- Yeah? - Lorenzo?

Hey. no names. So. you got the package?

- Yeah, it's just-- - Cool.

We're square. right? We're good?

I think there's been some kind of mix-up.

What are you saying? Is there a problem?

Well, yeah. The bag isn't--

You know what? We shouldn't talk over the phone.

Meet me at the university arboretum in 15 minutes.

Yeah, but--

So, you lost all your money in Vegas?

I had a system, you know?

- But it didn't work. - Right.

- Then Beth broke up with me. - 'Cause you lost all your money?

I lost all her money, too.

Whatever. Then there's the thing with the cat.

I don't even wanna hear about the cat.

- It was an accident. - I'm sure it was.

That's in the past, man. What time are you gonna be done with work?

I'm done at 6:00. Just hang out at my dorm.

It's co-ed. You'll like it.

No one's gonna bother me, right?

I'm really not in the mood for conversation. Just wanna chill out.

Pete, can you do me a big favor?

Tell Foosball my foreign exchange student doesn't speak English well.

Foosball, no English. Cool.

I gotta get to work. Come on, let's go.

Britney.

Lorenzo?

What's the problem? You're expecting more?

Well, it's just that l...

What? Don't wanna talk in public? I understand.

Got someplace private we can go?

Yeah, like a restaurant?

Listen, there's something I have to tell you--

I think that guy right there's watching us.

Let's go.

This is your target.

You seem a little nervous.

I understand. You're worried about your performance.

But you know what? I have a fail-safe cure for that.

I wasn't gonna share this with you,

but what's an older brother for, right?

This is my beat-off rag.

I've been beating off with this since I was in sixth grade.

I've never washed it, either.

Oh, God, no!

- Before Dominique gets here-- - Who's Dominique?

Your whore, you idiot.

Did you lose your virginity to a hooker?

Hell, no.

But Dominique comes highly recommended,

so I'll probably do her once you're done.

I want you to jerk off with this before she gets here, okay?

I call it Susie. Trust me,

No!

Don't be such a girl. It's just semen! Take it!

What the hell was that?

Nothing.

- What's up? - I think that rag cut me.

Can I get my copy of Steel Magnolias back?

Hey, guys. This is my friend Cliff.

He's from France,

so don't bother talking to him.

Look. Cola.

Yeah, let's go.

You know, I just realized the amount you sent is what I agreed to.

I think I was just thinking of another job.

So, you're saying we're cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

Wait. What do you say we hang and talk for a bit?

I've wanted to meet you in person for a long time,

Miss Master of Disguise.

I gotta a couple choice jobs I want to run by you

that I think we could pull together.