Divorce Invitation

All righty. Two matzo balls just like you like it.

Always taking care of me. You.

Hey, anything for my most beautiful customer, huh?

I left you a nice tip today.

Oh, Leo, you don't have to do that. Thank you. Thank you so much.

My pleasure.

- See you later, buddy. - Thank you.

Hold on one second.

- Excuse me. - One sec.

You know, aluminum is not good for you.

Waiter? Hey, excuse me, buddy.

- Is there something wrong with my fork? - No, just your stock choice's future.

Oh. Well, your future involves topping off my coffee, okay?

Aluminum's stable. There's just no growth potential in it.

Wait, wait! Hold on a second. Hold on, hold on. Back it up.

Unbelievable.

That is exactly what my consultant said last night.

And I bet he charged you more than the $6.95 lunch special for that.

Yeah, he did.

Okay. So, say you were her. What would you bet on?

I would go with...

That one.

You're kidding, right? That's nickel stuff.

Simitek's about to shake hands with them next week.

That means, by Friday, those nickels are gonna be worth millions.

- Wow. That's impressive. - You ain't seen nothing yet.

Mike, table 57 is yours. They need something. Go.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second. So...

What are you doing later tonight?

Maybe you want to show me something I haven't seen yet.

Wow! Ha! Okay.

I think I will be at home... with my girlfriend...

Oh.

...my very jealous, very...

- Hey, waiter dude. - Yeah, casanova.

- It's "Mike"! - Mike.

- Mike Christian, and he's very religious. - Yeah, well, I'd pray to that.

And very busy, okay? Still waiterless.

- Going, going, going. - Wait, Mike.

- This is ridiculous. - Unreal.

- No, no, no. Sir, I apologize. - No, no, no.

No, I'm sorry.

I don't want your apology. We have a business meeting.

- He's just a trainee, please. - I'll say he's a trainee.

Please, let me take your order. Gentlemen...

A trainee, really.

You know what? I don't feel so good. I think I got to go.

If you dare take that tie off, you're fired, okay?

- Keep it on and clean the table! - What seems to be the problem?

He wants to get fired, Mr. Lipnick.

He's already chased out four of our regular customers.

I know... four coffee-only customers.

Those people have been hogging that table every day now for a week.

I wondered who had the balls to throw them out.

Good business sense, Michael. You're my man.

Thank you.

Come here. Let's talk.

Michael, my granddaughter Delilah is at a conference at university hall.

Do you think you could pick her up for us?

Absolutely.

Although it's rare, at the turn of the last century,

the divorce rate grew for a number of justifiable reasons.

People are alcoholics, drug addicts,

physically abusive to their spouse or children...

these are situations where separation is often best for all involved.

But divorce and its acceptance have changed with the times.

On their wedding day, couples often still say,

"till death do us part," but after time passes,

the initial attraction often fades.

The perfect spouse all of a sudden is a normal person with human flaws.

Recurring arguments, attraction to a co-worker,

or simple boredom can lead to irreconcilable differences.

Divorce is a lazy way out.

Divorce is a shortcut solution.

Wake up, grandma. It's the 21st century.

That's the way it goes.

What about children? Doesn't our future depend on them?

Divorce can have a devastating effect on a child, as my case studies attest.

I can also personally attest to this because I come from a broken family.

I was raised by my grandparents, and not that they didn't take care of me,

because they did, but I still wish that my parents were there, too.

And your solution?

Take it seriously. Marriage is work.

Marriage is for life. If you are willing to make the commitment,

you have to be prepared to go the distance.

Excuse me. Did you major in sociology or did you major in fantasy?

You make it sound like a jail sentence without the parole.

Look, buddy, no need to worry. From the looks of it,

the only lifelong commitment you'll have is with your right hand.

Shit.

Thank you. That's... that's it.

That's all.

Thank god.

Honey, slow down.

I worked my butt off for three years on that thesis.

I interviewed hundreds of couples,

and all it takes is a couple of idiots in the audience

to make it all seem like a joke!

And you seem to have no opinion about it.

Well, if it's one thing I've learned from you, it's when to keep my mouth shut.

Okay, then. Fine. Let's... let's be honest.

I can handle it.

Tell me the truth.

- The truth? - Yeah.

Well, I think some of those guys had some...

Pretty valid points.

Why don't you just admit it? You don't respect my academic research!

No! It's just thousands of theses sit in a library gathering dust.

You know, they change nothing. The world goes on as if they were never even written.

Yeah, but out of those thousands,

one of those papers had the formula for electricity on it.

It did?

So how do you know that mine won't be that one?

I mean, if it could just change one mind, it would all be worth it.

Why am I wasting my time talking to you?

What would a college dropout care about this stuff anyway?

Hey, I am a proud dropout, okay? College is a waste of time.

Four, five, six years of endless side roads and pointless detours.

My theory for life is simple... shortcuts.

Shortcuts.

You know what? This has been too much academic debate for one day.

I'm sorry, Mike, okay? I just had a really rough day.

How about some margaritas at the deck bar?

And then how about a massage

by the expert hands of a Kansas City farm boy?

If the client is not completely satisfied,

she can return the massage to the massager.

Thank god.

Hey, babe.

- Hi, honey. - How are you?

Tired.

- Hi. - Hi. Look what I brought you.

Oh, you're sweet, but I'm so icky from the restaurant.

I just... I really want to go in to take a shower.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What's the... what's the rush? This is a gorgeous evening?

Ha! It's L.A. They are all gorgeous evenings.

Yeah, but, this is an especially romantic evening,

isn't it? Clear...

Not so much 'cause we're right by the dumpster,

and the trash guy forgot to stop on our street again.

So, listen, I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna take a shower,

and then maybe I can muster a little romance for you.

- Hold... hold on. What's the rush? - I got to go! I'm gross. Crap.

Dude, you don't have to leave, all right?

You just can't put me on watch dog anymore, all right?

Yeah. I mean, you are more than welcome to stay with us whenever you want.

You and Scotty have known each other since birth.

I only barged into your lives about a year ago.

Barging in on me was not cool.

I know. I'm sorry, but, you know,

you can't barge in and expect to become one of them in six months, either.

"One of them"? "Them"? What... what does that even mean? Really?

Dylan and I are in love. Okay? Why you guys so worried about this now?

Dude, she's the one who got you the Lipnick job, remember?

She just don't want to get fired when the christian shit hits the jewish fan.

No. No, I'm not worried about that.

I am a phenomenal waitress, but I am worried about you. I mean,

if you're really considering marrying Dylan, I just might think again.

Her grandparents are very old school. I mean, they are super-super-religious.

So? My parents are super-religious. They don't care if I marry a jewish girl.

Mike, are you sure? 'Cause growing in Punkton, Kansas,

I doubt anybody could tell Jewish from Amish. Remember facial hair?

If you had facial hair, you were an alien from outer space. True story.

Scotty, you can't change my mind on this, okay? She's...

She's just made for me.

She's made for you. Hey, man, what happened to the Mike I used to know?

The one who would only take the richest dude's daughter to the prom?

Where's he at? Can I see him?

- Yeah. - I miss him.

And what happened to the stock broker who wouldn't even take a woman out to coffee

without looking at her profile first?

He grew up. He fell in love.

Besides, do not underestimate the potential of this restaurant.

- We are really close to franchising this. - Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay.

See, I thought... I thought amigo was in love with señorita, not the restaurante.

Amigo in love with señorita, not the restaurante.

Scotty, don't be a schmuck!

Besides, I'm thinking about Paul and Elaine in this whole thing.

I mean, how can they say no to a guy who is about to

- revolutionize their family business? - Family business?

You would have to die and be reborn jewish for them to consider you family.

Oy! Please! I could be as Jewish as they wanted me to be!

- Just wait until you see Jeremy. - Who?

- Who? - The bicycle guy?

Yeah. The Lipnicks totally drool over him. Okay?

He's straight out of frickin' "Fiddler on the Roof." And now that he's back in town,

they're gonna try to set Dylan up with him. Just wait and see.

Sweetheart, we need to buy more sugar packets.

I know. And we're running out of baked apples.

Oh, I thought we had so many.

- No, we don't. - What about the halva?

- The halva... chocolate-covered halva. - Oh, I love it.

- Yeah. - A lot of people like it.

- Oh, I'm sorry. We're actually not open yet. - Oh, I'm not a customer. I'm family.

Would you mind telling me who you're related to?

- Look who's here. Jeremy! Bubala! - Jeremy!

Paul! Ooh! Bubbie Elaine.

- Good to see you. - Good to see you.

I brought you these... to congratulate you on Delilah's graduation.