My Favorite Spy

Alive. We want him alive.

Let's go in from the other side.

Lost him. He made his break

Just as we were boarding the plane to Tangier.

Well, get him. Comb every inch of that airport.

Eric Augustine has given us the slip.

Now, listen, Prentice.

I want that man brought in alive.

Eric Augustine's no good to us dead.

Throw a police net around the airport.

Right. Yes, sir.

Eric Augustine's escaped. Contact all security agencies.

State patrol, police department.

Lock this town up tight.

Calling all cars. Be on the alert

For a man answering description Eric Augustine.

Calling all cars. Be on the alert

For a man answering description Eric Augustine.

Desperately wanted by federal security agencies.

This man is armed and is dangerous.

Hey.

Ah, a star is born.

Hey, you.

Car 31, 3-1 reporting.

Suspect answering description of Eric Augustine

Entering alley at Park and Montgomery Street. Out.

- You there, stop. - Who, me?

Get your hands up. Yeah, now, listen to me...

Okay, I'll listen to you.

It was just a gag, officer. It was just a little joke.

I wanted to see how it feels to have top billing.

Dugan won't mind. He can't read. Get your hands up higher.

They won't go any higher. They're hooked to my wrists.

Uh, honest, I quit booking those two-bit bets.

Ask Sam at the candy store.

I'm Peanuts White. I play a lot of police benefits.

He's clean. Sure I'm clean.

Look, Shireen doesn't look like that on the stage.

When she's working I keep her covered like this.

You see, officer? Come on, let's go.

Hey. Hey, what am I? A criminal?

What show did you catch? Get going.

Hey, listen.

How many times do I have to tell you guys?

I'm not Augustine.

Water, water. Give me a glass of water.

Poor thing's wilting. Cost me a dime.

Pretending to be cheap won't work either, Augustine.

I'm not Augustine. I'm Peanuts White.

Don't any of you guys ever relax at the Downtown Burlesque?

I'm one of the comics who goes on between the relaxers.

My, oh, my. What time will the girls be here?

Very funny.

He knows. Tell them how I fractured them.

Sit down. Critic.

Here's what we found on him.

A dollar eighteen, a half a stick of gum,

Two burlesque tickets

And a package of bobby pins.

I was carrying them for Shireen.

That's our strip tease girl. She ain't got no pockets.

Augustine, you were always able

To mislead the police with false details.

But I tell you, I'm not Augustine.

You got the wrong man. You made a mistake.

Fellas, you're not listening.

Hey, that's a lie.

When did I dress like that? Boy, I must've been loaded.

Eric Augustine, alias Sir Thomas Valaine,

Alias Ricardo Del Moria, alias Duke of Larimore.

And now alias Peanuts White.

How did you slip out of Cairo last fall?

I didn't slip, I was pushed.

It wasn't Cairo, it was Chicago. And it wasn't my fault.

Shireen got a hold of a jug, and when the cops walked in...

What did you do with the million you were carrying?

Million?

Million what? Million dollars.

Cash.

Oh, have you got the wrong guy.

Bailey, it's the sheriff.

Yes?

We've cornered Augustine in one of the hangars.

He never left the airport.

Be right there.

They got Augustine cornered out at the airport. Come on.

He's free to go.

You're free. It's about time.

Missed the rubber hose by three minutes.

And remember, your salaries are paid by the taxpayers.

I may be one someday.

We wanted this man alive.

Well, what am I suppose to do? Let him kill me?

Believe it or not, mister, it would've been better.

He's still breathing. Get him to a hospital.

Come on. Easy now, boys.

Peanuts White.

Peanuts White.

It's our only chance.

Oh, no, Bailey. Why not? He's an actor.

Actor? Ha!

Have you ever seen him act?

Who's there?

It's the plumber, Mrs. Jones.

But I'm taking a bath.

And are you skinny.

Is there anyone home here?

Is there anyone home here?

As if I didn't know.

Ah, you, stupid Maya, you.

Don't you know you're fooling with the champion

Of the entire world there?

What are you doing here? I didn't send for a plumber.

No, but the lady downstairs did.

Your tub is leaking and the drips are dropping

On the drapes down there.

Ooh.

I fix it up right now. Here.

Here we go with the wrench here.

We make with the monkey shines, yeah.

Listen, my husband's coming in. Huh? Your husband?

Oh, cheese and crackers. What do we do here?

Oh, he must have forgotten something.

If he finds you here, he'll kill us.

Oh, yes, I hide. Quick, hide.

I goes under here. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. You fool, you.

In the shower. In the shower.

Here we go, in the shower.

Well, I could get killed this way here.

Oh, my, in the shower.

This must be the place here.

I forgot to kiss you goodbye, dear.

Goodbye, darling. Goodbye, lover-kins.

Goodbye, plumber.

Goodbye, fellows.

A couple slipped down the drain.

Oh, no, not again. We'd like to talk to you.

Call me next Thursday. I gotta change for the spittoon bit.

This is important. It's vital. You've got to come with us.

But I gotta change my clothes.

You haven't time. We haven't time.

You'll hear about it from my agent about this

As soon as he gets out of jail. Now, wait a minute

Tangier.

Hoenig. Augustine.

A million bucks. I gotta get back to the theater.

General, this is our man, sir.

This is no time for joking, Bailey.

He could be the image of Augustine.

Without this comedy putty.

Hey, that's not all putty.

Oh, yes.

I hope you understand the vital importance of this assignment.

I don't understand anything about it,

And let's keep it that way, sergeant.

You're not turning yellow, are you?

Pick any color. I got goose pimples to match them all.

Mr. White, your government is asking you

To impersonate Eric Augustine.

You are to take a million dollars to Tangier.

There you will be contacted by one Rudolf Hoenig.

For the money, he will give you a piece of microfilm.

Why don't you send this Hoenig a money order direct?

Because he hates us,

And he will only do business with Eric Augustine.

Eric Augustine, the guy who looks like me.

Why don't he go? He's in the hospital. Wounded.

Don't worry about him.

Oh, fine. Now, I got time to worry about me.

Please, fellas, I tell you, you got the wrong guy.

Now, this ain't my line of work.

I tell jokes, that's dangerous enough.

We'll pay you $10,000 for the job.

What's wrong?

You're getting too close to my price.

We're going to make you into an entirely different person.

People like me the way I am. Sort of.

Augustine was an assassin. But always for big stakes.

He cheated, robbed, gambled.

Made money by the millions and spent it by the millions.

And women? He was irresistible.

A magnet for international beauties

That could lead him to more plunder.

He exploited them, slapped them around,

Then threw them away like matches.

He was cruel, poised, suave, deadly.

And you, White, will act accordingly.

Mr. White, you will be thoroughly trained

So you will act like Eric Augustine.

Educated, cultured, polished.

A witty table companion,

A connoisseur of fine wines.

A perfect squire to the ladies.

But under it all, shrewd, cunning,

Deadly ruthlessness.

Remorseless.

Relentless as a jungle cat stalking its prey.

What a man. Oh.

Oh, there's just one little detail you forgot.

What's that? I ain't gonna do it.