Lies and Alibis (The Alibi) (The Alibi)

Okay. Recent studies have shown that one in four men cheats on their wives.

And one in 10 women cheats on their husbands.

- Ray, let me explain. - Hey, man, I'm so sorry. I...

Now, that's awful. Truly depressing data.

I know this must look bad, but it's not what it looks like.

- You, stop talking now. - Okay.

Dorothy, you see the red Pontiac Fiero outside?

- He works for your husband. - Oh, shit.

But then I realized, imagine how much more impressive those numbers could be,

if people thought they could actually get away with it.

Here, put these on.

Two minutes, out the door. I'll take care of the photographer.

You, 10 minutes after that, half a mile down the road there's an Exxon garage.

Call a cab.

Cynical. Well, I prefer entrepreneurial.

My former partner, the great Jack the Cat, told me,

"Our job in life is not to judge the wants and desires of our fellow man,

"it's to profit from them."

And while some might see this as an unraveling of our social fabric,

I say, business is good.

- Ray? - Ray?

- Hi. - Those files are ready.

Great. Do me a favor, will you?

- Ray. - Thank you.

Double check the receipts on the Feig account.

I'm super sorry about the other night, Ray. I just lost it.

Not good enough, Vic. That's the third time in the last three months.

Ray, we need $3 for Wendy's birthday cake. Thank you.

That is two months' severance. If you need any contacts, we'll hook you up.

And we've got some issues with the new DMV holographs.

- Give that to Walter. - They're not ready, like you thought.

Do you want to sign off on the new souvenirs?

- Track me down this afternoon. - Ray, I need approval on the Triber account.

I did it. It's on your desk.

- Is this okay? - Good.

- New client? - Your 11:00.

You said you wanted bigger brains around here.

Don't let the twins fool you.

It looks like affection, but they're actually in a battle for tank dominance.

They also like to breed under banana leaves.

- You can call me Lola. - Okay. Let's go by...

Ray? Benjamin's root canal is going over.

Also Peter Miller's passport isn't scanning the way that we'd like it to.

And I'll talk to you about it later.

So, Lola, do you have any lunch plans?

You worked under Randall Paul. Can I ask you why you left?

I was one of 17 junior VPs in our division

specializing in interest derivatives, market risk exposure,

plus a little P/L analysis on the side.

- Sounds... - Almost as dull as it was.

And just a point of clarification,

I work with people, and for people, never under them.

And what would you say was your best quality?

- My patience. - Great, great.

So, how close to the streets are you?

Your shoes. Very fashionable about five, six years ago.

You look like someone who would care. Do you want to talk about it?

Okay.

I had banked some stock options from a blossoming Internet start-up,

and decided to seek enlightenment in the Holy Land.

I would have guessed Tibet.

I'm old school.

Can I ask you a question?

What exactly do you do?

Well, this is a surprise.

- Hey, Putty. Good to see you. - How the fuck are you, man?

- Fucking good. - Yeah. Get any work?

I retired.

Yeah. I banked some options from this blossoming Internet start-up,

and decided to seek enlightenment in Tibet, via the Middle East.

The Holy Land, huh? No shit.

Ray, I hear Jack's back on the radar.

Well, I wouldn't know about that.

No. Don't keep in touch with your old boss?

You guys were like Batman and Robin.

Without the capes.

I heard he was seen at the airport. He's hiding out in a bungalow up the coast.

Yeah, I heard it was a villa in Sweden.

I wouldn't put too much stock on idle gossip.

Yeah? There's nothing idle about a $5-million contract on a guy's head.

Excuse me, sir. We need to keep this lane clear.

Yeah.

Always looking for some good guys.

Ma'am.

What the fuck are you looking at?

That was interesting.

- And a little creepy. - So what can you tell me about him?

I just met him.

I'd say high school graduate.

Possibly a missionary or insurance salesman,

although with obvious connections to some sort of criminal enterprise.

Okay. What else?

So you know this, or you heard this?

I know that Jack McCadden conned the Sultan of Qatar out of $15 million.

Yeah, that's the legend.

What about this Ray fellow?

He was always just a front man.

Word is after the score,

Jack disappeared with Ray's cut of the Sultan's cash.

A Sultan. That's real Indiana Jones shit, that is.

- Language, BoBo. - Sorry.

And would you say he is married or single?

Divorced.

If there were a woman in his life, she'd make him bathe a little more often.

Excuse me.

So does this Sultan still want Jack dead?

What I hear. $5-million open contract on Jack McCadden's head.

- $5 million's a lot of money. - Yeah. To clip a grifter, it certainly is.

Okay. And where is he now?

No, no, no. I'll take it.

So, when can you start?

You ask me two questions and then offer me the job?

Three. I have a sense about people. We have to leave.

Now.

It seems like our new friend, Ray, knows a very valuable man.

I don't know if Ray's still in touch.

He's handsome.

- I think he's found religion. - Well.

What good is it for man to have faith, if his actions do not prove it?

Con men don't reform.

They simply find better angles.

Okay. What do we do? We're a risk management firm.

- Which means? - We're in the business of saving marriages.

How do you do that?

We grease the wheel that makes state-of-the-art infidelity possible.

People who cheat get caught because a) they want to,

or b) they're found some place they said they weren't.

Good morning, J.Z. Incorporated.

Mr. Williams is in a meeting right now. May I take a message?

We create a false reality, making people appear to be where they're supposed to be.

Adams and Landow. Mr. Norris? Let me check.

I'm sorry. Your wife just got on a conference call.

I'll try her when she gets off.

Fifth Precinct. Sykes?

Yeah. He's running files to Central. Can I help you?

I can try him on his walkie if it's an emergency.

So you help men cheat on their wives?

And wives cheat on their husbands.

We're an equal opportunity employer.

You're a professional liar.

Lies are the great foundation of our society, Lola.

"Great outfit, honey." "Can't I give you flowers for no reason?"

And my personal favorite, "Don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys."

But that's just being polite.

The fact is your average relationship wouldn't last two minutes

if people told the truth.

We just help maintain the illusion.

Mom's happy. Dad's happy.

And the kids don't have to pick sides at Christmas.

So this is all for the children, then?

Families don't break up because of infidelity.

Thank you.

They break up 'cause someone gets caught.

Let me guess, you're just a hard-working child of a broken home,

trying to save others from the pain you went through.

I just see people for the well-dressed, good-smelling animals they are.

Mate, eat, sleep and mate some more, preferably with someone else.

But you can't really believe that.

Not everyone operates on a purely primal level.

A man is as faithful as his opportunities.

Take your old boss, for example.

Perfect example.

Yes, he cheated on his wife. They broke up.

They got back together and they've never been happier.

When was that, about a year ago?

Yeah. How did you know that?

He just bought us lunch. He's been a client since January.

Are you ready?

I'll let you know.

You dare defy your emperor!

Robert. Lobby, two minutes.

And you might wanna pop a jacket on.

Morning.

You ever consider a more traditional line of work?

- Insurance? Sales? - Making money's easy.

Keeping self-interest is something else entirely.

Okay, here's the situation.

In a few seconds, an angry wife is gonna come steaming through that door

and raise merry hell till she finds her cheating husband.

Inside this is a cheap knock-off necklace.

You can be anyone you want to be for the next five minutes.

I need $2,000 a week, benefits, a month off, plus all regular holidays.

Well, we tend to work holidays,

but we've got great dental and I can go as high as $1,500.

Now, what's going on, Ray?

- Hey, how you doing there? - One second. Vision?

That comes with a co-pay.

Okay. The objective is to extricate him from this predicament

with his balls still intact.

Ray.

You son of a bitch!

- Holy shit. - How could you?

I gave you the best years of my life

and you go and throw it all away to have your sick sex with some whore!

I don't know who you think you are, Mrs. Hatch,

but no one speaks to me like that.

I can't work like this, Mr. Hatch.

We are Rogette's Jewelers, not Bob's Big House of Diamonds.

Diamonds?

"To my dearest on this special day. Much love."