The Brittas Empire

SEAGULLS SQUAWKING

'GF'. Gavin Featherly

Much as I hate to say this,

I'm afraid it looks like Gavin may have drowned.

Well, it's all your fault, Brittas!

If it hadn't been for you, Gavin would still be alive!

Ah, there you are Gavin, been looking for you everywhere!

Well, I'm sorry, I'm just using Julie's tape recorder.

Staff meeting in five minutes, please.

Right...

That's rather nice, what is it?

It's Tibetan chimes, Mr Brittas.

It's a relaxation tape that Mrs Brittas lent me.

At our last counselling session she said I needed to relax more.

I've... been a bit depressed recently.

Have you? Oh, dear!

Hang on, there are two tapes there.

Yes, that's because I'm recording it.

You're recording the tape Mrs Brittas lent you?

Well yes, that way I'll have a copy of my own.

I cannot believe I'm hearing this Gavin!

What?

A member of my own staff openly committing

a crime on the premises?

I'm sorry?

My office please, Gavin.

- Come on, sit down, please. - Yes, Mr Brittas.

Now, what does it say on that box?

'Unauthorised duplication is a violation of applicable laws'.

Precisely!

Everybody does it, Mr Brittas.

If everyone went around killing people,

would that make it any less of a crime?

Well, no but...

Now, I want you to do the only decent thing.

- What's that? - Confess.

What?

I want you to write to this record company

and tell them that you've made illicit recordings.

You are joking, Mr Brittas?

No, I'm not! I want you to clear your conscience, Gavin.

As my acting senior deputy manager,

it's up to you to set an example.

Yes, Mr Brittas.

Right, Item Number 28, the staff weekend away.

ALL GROAN Do we have to go?

Yes, we do, Julie. As I've said before,

the staff weekend away is an excellent opportunity for us

to bond together in a non-working environment.

So where are we going this year, New York?

Paris? Or Rome?

Burbage-on-sea!

- Oh, not again! - We went there last year!

And the year before.

Burbage-on-Sea is a good, honest...

Boring!

... beautiful English resort, Julie.

Right, the room arrangements, I've spoken to Mrs McGinty,

I'm afraid she can only provide six guest rooms this year.

So Tim, is it possible for you to share with Gavin?

Especially... as he's feeling a little bit depressed

at the moment, he probably could do with the company.

Yes, I can grin and bear it, Mr Brittas.

Good. Right, now we leave after work on Friday,

which gives you plenty of time to think about packing,

but just in case, I've drawn up my usual check list...

... there it is, anorak, warm cardies, spare sink plug...

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr Brittas,

I've been having a bit of trouble with my lilo.

Sit down please, Colin.

I've got it working again and as far as I'm aware...

Thank you, Colin.

... it's the only lilo in the world powered by potatoes!

Sit down please, Colin!

Right, spare sink plug...

Potatoes?

You just stick the potatoes in like this...

You mean it actually runs on potatoes?

That's right, Gavin!

King Edwards are, generally speaking, the best.

You can get about seventy miles to the pound for them!

Amazing, Colin! The first ecologically sound motor boat.

Lilo, Linda. I prefer the word 'lilo', it has a gentler sound.

I like to think you can lie back and relax

as it cruises gently across the ocean.

That thing is lethal!

It must have been the Maris Pipers, Mr Brittas!

Right, quick as you can everyone, please.

Timothy!

Come on!

Carole, what's all this?

It's my luggage, Mr Brittas!

You're going away for the weekend, not emigrating!

- Yes, Mr Brittas... - Right, come on!

Mr Brittas! Can I have a word please, Mr Brittas?

Not now Gavin, we're running late as it is.

But this just came in the post, it's from the record company,

the one who you told me to write to.

'Dear Mr Featherly, thank you for your letter.

The duplication of pre-recorded material without prior consent

is strictly prohibited under the Copyright Act of 1951.

We therefore require the standard penalty payment... '

Yes, it's L10,000, Mr Brittas! they're suing me for 10 grand!

- Oh, dear! - But what am I gonna do?

You'll just have to pay it Gavin Featherly!

Come on!

Right, straight to bed everyone!

Very early start in the morning. It's Crazy Golf at 8.30!

L10,000! Where on earth am I gonna find 10 grand?

- We'll have to sell the flat! - Oh, don't be daft!

I'll have to get a second job, work nights.

They'll probably drop the charges, you're small fry.

It's not worth their while taking you to court.

- Court? - Mmm.

Oh my god!

How do you find the defendant?

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

Gavin Featherly, you have been found guilty

of the most wicked and heinous crime.

I therefore recommend the maximum possible sentence.

That you be taken from here to a place of incarceration

for a minimum of 40 years psychotherapy with Mrs Brittas.

Please... I beg of you. I'd rather die!

I'd rather die!

What did you say?

Nothing.

I'm just... gonna go out for a... moment.

Get a breath of fresh air...

... and I may be some time.

WAVES CRASHING

MOTOR STARTS NOISILY

Relax Tim, Gavin probably just went for a swim.

What, for two days?

Look, I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.

Here comes the coastguard, Mr Brittas.

With Gavin, no doubt.

No luck, Mr Brittas. We've covered a radius of 30 miles.

All we found was... this.

I may be some time...

I'd rather die, I'd rather die, I'd rather die!

''I'd rather die.''

Let's not get melodramatic, Tim.

No, that's what Gavin said... oh my god!

Look, don't start jumping to any stupid conclusions!

Mr Brittas! Come and see what I've found on the beach!

GF... Gavin Featherley.

Much as I hate to say this,

I'm afraid it looks like Gavin may have drowned.

- It all makes sense now. - What do you mean?

Well he was depressed, Mr Brittas.

People do stupid things when they're depressed.

Are you saying Gavin deliberately drowned himself?

It was that letter from the record company...

... that was the final straw.

Oh god, he's killed himself... he's killed himself.

Tim, we have no evidence to support that.

I'm telling you he's killed himself and it's all your fault!

You made him write to that record company,

if it hadn't been for you he'd still be alive!

It's all your fault! It's all your fault!

I've just broken the news to Gavin's parents over the phone

and needless to say, they were very distressed.

Especially when you reversed the charges!

This Centre can not afford long distance phone calls Julie,

especially to Fiji!

They have asked to me to make the funeral arrangements,

it will be Thursday afternoon 2.30 at Whitbury New church.

Did you say funeral, Mr Brittas?

As far as Gavin's parents are concerned, this is a funeral.

You see, it's an essential part of the grieving process,

to dispose of the body of a loved one in a ritual manner.

We don't have a body, Mr Brittas.

You know that Carole, I know that, but Gavin's parents don't.

You mean you've lied to Gavin's parents, Mr Brittas?

I have learned by experience Colin,

that sometimes and I stress only sometimes,

we need to tell a small untruth

in the service of a higher goal.

In this case, to help Gavin's parents' grieving process.

Does the vicar know we haven't got a body?

Actually Linda, we'll be taking the service ourselves.

- Us, Mr Brittas? - That's right, Colin.

It's what Gavin would have wanted.

His friends and colleagues holding a special service

for him and I'd like us all to take a little part.

Linda, I'd like you to lead the service, please.

Me?

Yes, it'll be good for when you go to theological college.

Gosh, a funeral, me!

I've only ever done my nephew's Christening.

Still, I suppose a funeral will be more or less the same.

I'd imagine you might have to change the words a bit, Linda.

Carole, I'd like you to play something for us.

- Play? - A hymn or something.

Oh, I'm afraid I haven't played for a long... I'd be delighted!

Well done, Carole!

Colin, I'd like you to make a contribution, please.

I don't think it would be right, Mr Brittas.

What do you mean?