Bubba Ho-tep

I was dreamin

Dreamin my dick was out and I was checking to see

if that infected bump on the head of it had filled with pus again

If it had. I was gonna name that bump after my ex-wife Priscilla

and bust it by jackin off

Oh, man.

Or I'd like to think that's what I'd do

Dreams let you think like that

Truth was. I hadn't had a hard-on in years

Oh, man.

My God. Man How long have I been here?

Am I really awake now. Or am I just dreamin I'm awake?

How could my plans have gone so wrong?

When the hell are they gonna serve lunch?

Considerin what they serve. Why the hell do I care?

If Priscilla discovered I was alive. Would she come and see me?

Would we still wanna fuck? Or would we merely have to talk about it?

Is there. Finally and really.

Anything to life other than food. Shit. And sex?

We, goddamn it

How could I have gone from the "King of rock and roll" to this?

Old guy in a rest home in East Texas with a growth on his pecker

And what is that growth. Man?

Cancer? Nobody's talkin

No one seems to know or wants to

Makes you wonder, doesn't it, what kind of life this old guy had?

What kind of life he had, you know. His kids, his grandkids, his legacy.

Look at him now.

Oh, who gives a shit?

Well...

Make you comfortable.

No.

I'm gonna squish you, cockroach!

Help me.

You know, I was thinkin...

What? You gonna get all weepy on me again?

No. I was merely gonna suggest that you use some of this here deodorizer

and spray it on that corpse because she's smellin pretty ripe.

Good idea.

Excuse me, miss?

You gonna throw all that stuff out?

Yeah.

Could I have one of them pictures of Bull?

Maybe his... his Purple Heart?

I mean, he was pretty proud of that.

And maybe that... that tin of chocolates there?

I suppose.

The revealin of her panties wasn't intentional or unintentional

She just didn't give a damn

She saw me as so physically and sexually non-threatenin.

She didn't mind if I got a bird's-eye view of her love nest

It was the same to her as a house cat sneakin a peek

I felt my pecker flutteronce like a pigeon havin a heart attack

then it laid back down and remained limp and still

'Course. These days. Even a flutter was kind of reassurin'

- Here. - Thank you.

Say...

Bull your kin?

My daddy

Never seen you here before.

I've only been here once before. When I checked him in.

That's three years ago, wasn't it?

You and him friends?

No, we just roommates. I mean, he never felt good enough to say much.

I just hated to see what was left of him go away so easy.

Seemed like an all right guy.

Mentioned you a lot. You're... you're Callie, right?

Yeah.

Well... he was all right.

But not enough so you'd come and see him, though.

Don't lay some guilt trip on me, mister. I did what I could.

I mean, if it hadn't been for Medicaid or Medicare... whatever that stuff was...

he'd have been in some ditch somewhere.

And I sure didn't have the money to take care of him.

My own daughter

lost long ago to me

if she knew I lived. Would she come and see me?

Woud she even ccae?

You could've come and seen him. They don't charge you for that.

Mind your own business.

I was busy.

Well, well, well. If it isn't my favorite patient.

How are you this morning, Mr. Haff?

I'm all right.

But I prefer Mr. Presley or Elvis. I keep tellin you that.

I don't go by Sebastian Haff anymore, okay?

I'm not tryin to hide anymore.

Well, of course I knew that. I forgot.

Good morning, Elvis.

Did you know we have a celebrity here, Miss Thomas?

Elvis Presley. You know, the rock and roll singer.

I thought he was dead.

Well, actually, Elvis is dead. Mr. Haff knows that. Don't you, Mr. Haff?

Hell, no. I'm right here. I ain't dead.

Yet.

Now, Mr. Haff!

I don't mind calling you "Elvis."

But you're a little confused and you like to play sometimes.

You were an Elvis impersonator, remember?

You fell off the stage and broke your hip... when was it?

Twenty years ago.

It got infected and you were in a coma for quite a while.

You came out with a few... problems.

Look, I was just impersonatin myself. I couldn't do nothin else.

I don't have any problems.

You're tryin to say my brain's messed up, aren't you?

Why would you wanna be somebody else?

I got tired of it.

I was hooked on pills, you know.

I wanted out.

And this boy Sebastian Haff... he was an Elvis imitator.

He was the best of 'em. He took my place.

Problem is, he had a bad heart.

He liked drugs, too. Liked them more than I did.

So it was him that died, not me. I just took his place.

But why would you want to leave all that fame. Mr Presley?

All that money?

I don't know 'Cause they got old

The woman I loved... Priscilla... she was gone

The rest of the women were just women

I mean. The music wasn't mine anymore

I wasn't even me anymore Just this thing they made up

And my friends

'Well, they were sucking me dry

So I took a little road trip down to Nacogdoches

to check out this Sebastian Haff

It's all right, boys. Just wait here.

Oh, my God.

I didn't think you'd really...

It's all right, boys. Just another freak.

Let's split.

- Sorry, man. - King, I got it. I got it.

It's all yours, baby.

So I signed everything over to Sebastian

Except for enough money to sustain me if things got bad

I was determined to make myself a new life

A better one

But me and Sebastian. We had us a deal

If I wanted to trade back. He'd let me

It was all written up in the contract

The thing was

I lost my copy in a barbeque accident

But that wasn't so bad. Either

I was makin new friends and enjoyin myself

Cheers!

Oh, my God. Did you see that thing?

It just went up like that.

- Now. Elvis - Yes?

Don't carry it too far.

You may just get way out there and not come back.

Oh, fuck you.

Shit.

Get old, you can't even cuss someone and have it bother 'em.

Everything you do is either worthless or sadly amusing.

Well...

I've got what I want.

The clothes can go to Goodwill or Salvation Army.

Very well. And I'm sorry about your father. He was a nice man.

Yeah.

It was nice to meet you, Mr. Presley.

- Get the hell out. - Now, now.

I'll be back later to do that little... thing that has to be done. You know.

Elvis!

Poor Bull.

In the end... does anything really matter?

No one here ever listened to me

Except this one guy only. He was certifiable

That's where they took a piece of my brain.

They got it back in D.C. In that goddamn jar.

I got a little bag of sand up there now.

Jack... no offense, but...

President Kennedy was a white man.

That's how clever they are!

They dyed me this color. All over!

Can you think of a better way to hide the truth than that?

I was livin simple

The way Haff had been

Going from town to town doin the Elvis act

Only. I felt like I was really me again

Can you dig that?

We're diggin it, Mr. Haff... Mr. Presley.

Women were throwin themselves at me

'cause they could imagine I was Elvis

Only. I was Elvis playing Sebastian Haff playing Elvis

It was all pretty good

I didn't mind the contract being burned up

Didn't even try to go back and convince anybody

Then I had the accident

I was gyratin. See. Takin care business. And then my hip went out

I'd been havin trouble with it

Damn. It's cold in here tonight.

No way. That's it. This time, I make it.

No more piss or crap in the bed.

Shake it out...

There we go.

Man... that is one big bitch cockroach.

All right, man. Let's go.

Damn.

Hot damn!

Got you, you six-legged bastard.