Friends

Hi, my name's Chandler. I just moved in next door.

Would you like to battle me in a post-apocalyptic world...

...for control of the galaxy's last remaining energy source?

Sure, neighbor. Come on in.

Is Janine around?

She's at dance class.

Can I check my room?

Don't go through her stuff. She gets really mad.

Oh, my God.

It's like a guy never lived in here.

You gotta be careful. This girl thing is dangerous. It's spreading.

It is?

Is this your pretty pink pillow on the couch?

No.

Is that your tiny little box that's too small to put anything in?

- No. - No.

Okay, this is not good. You are a guy, okay?

This is a "guy's" place.

Soon, you'll be soaking your fingers in stuff.

- You're right. I'll talk to her. - Talk to her. Be a man.

- I'm a man. - Defend yourself.

We have to hem the new dust ruffle.

Be right there, sweetums.

Totally different situation.

Hey, guys.

- How was breakfast with Hillary? - Okay.

She's still depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend.

Is this Hillary, your hot assistant chef, Hillary?

- Yeah. - The one that stares at me?

No. The one who looked at you once because you got in her way.

Still, I could tell. She was into me.

Why don't you set us up?

Ooh, are you setting Ross up with someone?

Does she have a wedding dress?

Hey. Hey.

Rachel, I'm making up flyers to try to get new massage clients.

So can I come to Bloomingdale's and use the copy machine?

Well, sure, but they might think it's weird considering I don't work there anymore.

Oh, my God. What happened?

I got a job at Ralph Lauren.

Well, that's great. Congratulations.

A year ago.

You've lasted all year. Good for you.

But, Pheebs, you could still use the copy machine where I actually work.

But come by at lunch so my boss doesn't see you.

Kim will freak out. She already doesn't like me.

- I don't think my boss likes me. - I don't think mine likes me either.

Maybe it's a universal thing.

Or maybe because you're all hanging around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday.

Yeah, let's head off to work.

Thank you. Sure.

You will not believe this.

I was making copies, and Ralph Lauren came in.

Oh, my God. Did you talk to him?

Yeah, a little. He seems really nice.

- Good kisser. - What?

What?

- You kissed him? - Totally.

Phoebe, are you serious?

Yeah, I was just in there, he came in and introduced himself.

The next thing I know, we're making out.

Phoebe, you do know he's married?

No.

Phoebe.

What am I supposed to do, ask every guy I make out with if he's married?

No, yeah, I should.

- Hey, Joey. Hey.

Uh, can I talk to you for a second? There's a kid in this picture.

Do you, uh, know this kid? Is it a relative?

No. I just thought it was cute.

Yeah, that's what I was afraid of. Okay, uh...

Look, Janine, I really want you to feel at home here, but...

...some of this new stuff, it's too girlie.

Oh. Like what?

Uh, like this. Pictures of cute babies we don't know.

We can't have that.

Joey, it's Anne Geddes. She's a famous artist.

I don't know this baby. I don't know if she's a famous artist or not.

I don't want to be a jerk, but you're changing too much around here.

I'm sorry. I just thought I'd try and make the place a little nicer.

Yeah, but it's too much stuff.

You know, you got the candles and the "foofy schmoofer" thing here.

Over here, you got a picture of a watering can.

- I just thought... - I'm sure it's a famous watering can.

But come on.

And what is with the really hot stick in the bathroom?

It's a curling iron.

Oh. Well, that's okay then.

Okay, my towels, for instance. I come into the bathroom...

...and my towel is not on the floor, where I keep it.

It's up here on some hook. And it smells different.

- It's clean. - Yeah, well, it feels different.

It's dry.

All right, I can make my peace with the clean, dry towels.

Okay, also, what is with these chips you bought?

No, no, no. It's potpourri. You're supposed to smell it.

Well, that's like summer in a bowl.

Oh.

Kim, hi.

Uh-huh.

So I handed in that marketing report, and I never got to hear what you thought.

- I didn't read it. - Ah.

So, wow, the spring line's really gonna be great this year, huh?

Yeah.

So I hear, uh, Ralph Lauren fooled around with someone in the copy room.

Tell me everything.

Hey, guys. - Hey.

What's up?

You know...

Oh, my God.

What happened to your teeth?

I whitened them.

Really?

Yeah, what do you think?

I think I shouldn't look directly at them.

Come on, seriously.

- They're really, really, really white. - What was wrong with your old...

...human teeth?

I did leave the gel on a little longer than it said to.

- How much longer? - A day.

Ross, tonight is your date with Hillary.

I know. That's why I did it. Are they really that bad?

No. No, no, no.

You'll be fine. Hillary's blind, right?

She will be after tonight.

Oh, Rach. Uh, do you notice anything...?

Your teeth? Yes, I saw them from outside.

You guys are never gonna believe this...

...but Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.

- What? - Oh, my God.

She ran into him at my office, and they just made out.

The craziest thing is, now my boss likes me because...

...it's the best gossip she's heard all year.

I am proud of all my friends today.

Rachel, I can't believe Phoebe made out with Ralph Lauren.

Ugh. I'm so jealous.

Hi, I'm Chandler, your live-in boyfriend.

Chandler, please. Come on.

Look at him.

Well, I am no woman, but that is one tasty dish.

Hey.

Here. Ooh.

Who's the silver fox?

That is your make-out buddy. Don't you recognize him?

Oh, wait. "Ooh, Phoebe, I love you. Kiss me, please."

That's not Ralph Lauren. It sounds like him, though.

What?

Yeah, no, Ralph doesn't look like that guy.

He's young, and he's got long hair and a beard and a Hacky Sack...

Oh, my God. That's not Ralph Lauren. That's Kenny the copy guy.

What?

Oh, God... I told my boss that someone made out with Ralph Lauren.

If she finds out that I lied to her, she is gonna hate me even more. Phoebe!

Why would the copy guy say he's Ralph Lauren?

To get you to make out with him.

Oh.

Okay, maybe this will make them look less white.

Nope. Heh.

Okay, so colors that don't work are...

...blue, yellow, green, red, black, white, orange and purple.

I don't know what I'm gonna do. The date starts in an hour.

Ross, maybe if your skin was lighter, your teeth wouldn't look so bright.

Oh, great. So all I need to do is get some new skin. Thank you.

If we put just a little bit of makeup on you...

Whoa, whoa.

We're not 13 anymore.

Ross, this is the only thing left that has a shot at working.

Won't she notice I have makeup on?

Half the guys out there have makeup on.

What?

Half the people... I mean... Just try it and see.

No, I am not putting on makeup.