8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.

Playing the numbers game, it's Jon Richardson.

Rhod help us, it's Rhod Gilbert.

And facing them tonight, standing in for Sean Lock, it's Lee Mack.

Beck to school, it's Rob Beckett.

In Dictionary Corner, he's lost for words, it's Tim Key.

She'll put a spell on you, it's Susie Dent.

And you can count on her, it's Rachel Riley.

Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!

Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.

Did you know, for example, there have been over 5,500 episodes

of Countdown since its launch in 1982?

I know what you're thinking, it feels like more.

And new words are always being added to the dictionary.

The word chocoholic was first used in 1961

to describe someone addicted to chocolate,

whereas the word cockoholic was first used in 1981

to describe your mum.

Right, let's get started.

OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's Jon Richardson.

Jon's friends call him Rico, which goes some way towards

explaining why I've never heard anyone call you Rico.

In 2003, Jon was living as a lonely, friendless, unloved single man

in Swindon, but all that's changed now. Jon now lives in London.

I don't care! I'm on Countdown again.

It's pretty terrific, isn't it?

And Jon's team mate is none other than Rhod Gilbert.

Rhod speaks Welsh fluently,

which is why tonight he might pick nine consonants and no vowels.

I hate to interrupt you so quickly in this show,

but I don't speak Welsh fluently.

How much Welsh do you speak?

It's very hard to quantify a language. About 73% of it.

Up against them this evening, one of the funniest, best-loved

and most hilarious comedians in Britain

couldn't make it because he's unwell.

So here, instead of Sean Lock, it's Lee Mack.

And Lee's team mate is Rob Beckett.

Hello!

Rob is really looking forward to getting his teeth into Countdown,

which means there won't be much of it left.

Bloody hell, Jimmy. Pot, kettle, black!

OK, over in Dictionary Corner, we have poet Tim Key.

Tim Key is a poet and philosopher,

which is a nice way of saying long-term unemployed.

Are you excited to be here?

Yeah, I love this show, so it's quite a thrill.

I've never missed an episode.

There's been 5,500.

Oh, yeah. No, I've missed about 5,500.

I've seen 10 episodes.

And with Tim, as ever, in Dictionary Corner, it's Susie Dent.

Susie is the current president of the Johnson Society, which rather

disappointingly celebrates the life of Samuel Johnson.

And, of course, in charge of numbers is Rachel Riley.

With her striking good looks, blond hair and tight mini-dresses,

it's safe to say that Rachel's probably killed off more old men

than a winter cold snap.

Now, how do you think you two are going to work as a team?

We'll be all right, won't we?

I think, yeah, can I just point out that I've never seen Countdown.

You've never seen an episode.

So you're on the show, you've been on more episodes than you've seen?

So far, yes.

If I can be arsed to watch this back it'll be a draw.

Doesn't bode well, does it?

I'm slightly dubious about the fact that you think

there's an H in Rhod, to be honest, that's a bad start.

Can I use Welsh words?

Susie?

There are two Welsh words in the dictionary,

corgi and penguin, there you go.

Two Welsh words in your dictionary?

No, there are probably a lot more,

but the ones that you wouldn't guess to be Welsh.

So what was that fact? Was that in fact a non-fact?

I didn't know penguin was a Welsh word.

I'm not sure penguin is. Penguin isn't a Welsh word.

It means that if you're in a post office

and you need something to write with, say, "Can I have a pen, Gwen?"

Rob, are you good at spelling?

Not great at spelling.

I didn't realise mortgage was spelt with two g's until I Googled it.

That's probably why they won't give me one, one of the reasons.

Is it too late to ask for a different person on my side?

I thought I was getting Sean!

I'll give him that.

I can bring team spirit.

Yeah, I might not get the right answers,

but we'll have a laugh, won't we, guys? Yeah.

Have a bit of fun.

I'm more competitive than that.

I'd rather have a miserable time and win.

I'm like that with sex.

I'm not doing that.

I'm all in for team spirit, but I'm not having sex with you, Lee.

Have you got a mascot, Jon?

Oh, yeah, I brought a little picture to spur me on.

That's, er, brought a little picture of Shane, that's the dog I sponsor.

You sponsor a dog?

And it's got my mascot on the back, look at that.

That's me.

Little picture of Jon.

How come you sponsored a dog, not bought a dog?

Because some people get dogs and turn out to be dicks.

Oh, you mean you've sponsored him in the long-term,

I thought you meant for a one-off event like a marathon.

I've never seen him, though.

I got my letter saying if you come and see Shane

you should be advised you're not allowed to touch him.

I'm sort of hoping they're sent to everyone who sponsors him.

I mean, he was born in 2002,

so there's a chance he's dead and they haven't told me.

I'm just going to pop him there.

The other part of this is numbers, isn't it?

Yes!

Yeah, it is.

I don't know...

I don't know if people are gambling on this at home,

but if you are, I'd say this is... this is a good time to back

Lee and Rob, who know at least what the show's going to involve.

I know what is involved in running a marathon, I couldn't do one.

I'm not very good at numbers. I went out after a Wales victory

and got so drunk that for the first time in my life

an actual tangible bit of my brain has disappeared.

I've had my pin number for about 25 years and it's gone.

Utterly gone.

I'll tell you who'll know it. Rachel, what's his pin number?

I'm just slightly worried for him

if his version of maths is remembering his pin number.

Can you explain that, Rachel, seriously?

It'll be great if halfway through the show you remembered it

and you went, "Oh, it's 1864."

Oh, I can't use it now!

Why would that happen?

She's not a brain surgeon.

I think you're mixing up maths with mental health.

Don't think she can help you there.

Having said that, I've got this rash on the inside of my thigh.

It's all right, mate, I'll sort it out for you.

OK. Right, tonight our teams will be competing for this Countdown teapot.

Ooooh!

How well trained are you as an audience?

Still, it's a prize.

Time for the first game.

Lee and Rob, you get the first pick of the letters.

Er, yes, thank you, we'll have a letter.

I have two types of letter.

Can I just ask, do we guess on this as well, or is it just them?

Have you been living in Britain at all for the last...?

Right, shall we have a vowel?

Yeah, let's do that.

What do you think we should do next?

We need a bit of both, don't we?

All right, er, consonant.

B

U. B. Hey, U B lovely.

I'll tell you what, I'll do the letters

and next round you can do the letters.

I'm really not bothered, to be honest.

Well, I am, all right.

Can I have a consonant, please, Carol?

Sorry...

Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel?

W

W. A consonant, please.

H

I like H's. The vowel ones, a vowel one.

A

Pardon?

A

Another vowel please, another vowel.

E

E. I'll just write that down, I'll be with you in a moment.

Right, I've got a word here and I'm trying to work out

what letter I want next.

Oh, I've got it, I'll have an F, please.

F, an F, no, I need an F.

You can have a C.

What is it?

Have you not got a monitor?

Oh, yeah, we do.

Oh, look at this!

I genuinely, I didn't realise, I genuinely...

It's you. You're in here.

I thought it was, I thought that was a little borrower

that had got trapped.

I thought if you got bored it was something else on.

It's hard for me to watch you on a screen because usually

when I'm doing that I have to shut the curtains.

Consonant please, Rachel.

This has descended so far.

Vowel.

Last one.

Right, last one.

I

Well, for the first time today, let's countdown.

Wait, I'm not ready.

What have you got?