Chelsea Does

I have 11 emails and two text messages.

- Really? - Yeah.

I have...

You guys, I'm a mover and a shaker.

I have two messages, one from my husband.

Six emails, five texts.

Three Twitter replies, a Grindr message and a text.

And five texts on this phone.

I only have two emails.

- Aw, damn you. - I lose.

- Mary, look over here. - I do that all the time.

I don't even know the possibility.

- Mary. - Text Michael Morris.

- Go fuck yourself. - I'll send it.

- Why isn't it working? - Why aren't you taking a picture?

Oh, I just got Guy Branum's text. "Go fuck yourself."

We're putting the phones in the bowl

- for some reason. - You grab it.

Put the phones in.

Why do you have two phones, Khloe?

- They have an empire to run. - Uh, hello?

But I'm trying to transition myself from BlackBerry to an iPhone.

Is it the buttons? I miss the buttons.

- Yeah, I miss the buttons. - You do miss the buttons,

- 'cause you can't fucking spell anything. - I know, got it.

I thought I was bad, but I wanted Mary here

because Mary doesn't know any of this stuff.

My daughter's... My oldest daughter,

I have three daughters, is 10 and there's no phones or...

But some of her friends are getting phones.

- Wait, wait. - You can't do that.

- What do you mean? - Wait, Mary...

By the time she's 12 or 13...

- No phones. - Like, at all?

- No phones, no phones. - Really?

Really? But how do they feel about that?

I don't care how they feel. My job is to parent.

"I don't care how they feel."

I mean, they feel like they'd like candy for dinner, too.

And they'd like to stay up all night. And they...

You know, I mean, they have a lot of feelings.

They're not all valid. No phones.

- Until when? - Definitely not till...

- Thirteen? - Sixteen? Seventeen?

- No, come on, Mary! - Sixteen?

- Until they can buy their own. - I think she's right.

Mary, they're gonna have sex at 16.

Really, Mary?

They can have sex before they have a phone.

Come on, Mary, you're lying.

No sex, either.

Like, as far as technology goes, it's overtaken my life.

Whether it's my house... Like, I have now an iPad...

My husband has to come down here a lot, like...

- She'll be like... - She lives up the street,

and I have to, like, call Michael if I want to DVR something.

And he can do... He is... Thank God.

He can DVR a show for me remotely...

- From his phone at work. - From his phone,

before I can do it in my own fucking house.

Do you know how to use all the stuff in your house?

Abso-fucking-lutely not. I have a husband for that shit.

Yeah.

And I think that my whole reason for doing, like, a documentary on tech

is because I don't know anything about it,

and it makes me so frustrated, I wanna throw shit all the time.

I fucking hate iPads. I hate...

You can't log... No passwords ever work. They don't ever work.

- Right. - It's a capital letter and a lower...

- Fuck off! - I'm just out.

Like, I barely have time for a shower.

I don't know how everyone's making the time.

I don't know how to turn on the fireplace. I'm not gonna pretend I do.

Is it dangerous?

I mean, don't you need, like, a lighter?

The light went on, by the way, again today, saying that my tire is low.

What if I got a flat tire, though?

- Well, you'd know. - Would I?

It says it's incorrect. See, this happens every fucking time.

Type it a little bit slower.

It's not your fault. Everyone has a problem when they go fast.

I have no patience for this shit.

You know what? This doesn't work.

It's not working.

It's free Wi-Fi, but the Wi-Fi kicks you off every 30 seconds.

- Are you getting service? - No.

This is the fuckin' story of my life.

This is a toilet.

You can clean your asshole. "Rear cleansing."

And I guess water just jumps up and shoots you in the ass.

It doesn't look like it's working. I think I have to be seated.

See, this is gonna make me look even dumber than I look,

and I know that I don't look smart.

Okay, here we go. Breaking Bad.

Oh...

It's cleaning me.

Sorry.

It's a really long cleanse.

I mean, if you have that much stuff stuck in there,

you should probably just take a fucking shower, no?

Stop!

Good morning.

What do you want from me?

I want all your money!

I don't have any money left. I spent it all.

When are we going out of town?

You're going this week. I'm not coming until July 1st.

You're not coming with us Sunday?

No, I have to drive an hour from Spokane, Washington.

I'll send a hippie in a cab to pick you up.

That would be so great...

Hello?

She doesn't know how to work a fuckin' telephone.

She won't get a hard line, and she can't work her phone.

She gives me shit 'cause, you know,

I carry a flip phone 'cause I can hear better on it.

I carry a BlackBerry 'cause I can do emails on it,

and I love my iPhone for everything else.

But then I carry a Samsung

because I make phone calls on it better on my airplane.

So, yeah, I'm better at it than she is.

She can't run a microwave.

So, today, we're actually going to write some code in Unity.

Are we making a game today or programming?

We are programming a game to work.

Okay.

So, Chelsea, could you tell me your computer number?

- It says here. - Twenty-one.

- Twenty-one. Perfect. - Yeah.

All right. So, let's get started.

First off, we have our Inspector tab.

This is where we go through

and we can see everything that makes our game work.

Chelsea, you actually don't need your headphones today since it's just us.

- Got it. - Perfect.

This is your desktop.

And if you see at the very top of your screen,

there will be a Unity icon.

You're gonna double-click on that icon and open up right to Unity.

It'll take just a second, and it'll pop up right into your maze.

And then, over here, it's got some really cool lighting

and it looks pretty awesome.

I have to check "is walking" because we wanna be able to walk around.

I see some really cool spinning coins, but I can't go get them.

- You're going... - Can I just ask a question?

- Sure. - You're doing all of this, right?

You're doing all of this, yeah.

But you're doing all of this?

You're going to do this. I'm gonna release your screen,

and then you're gonna be able to do this yourself.

What you're talking about right now, we're gonna do after?

- Exactly. - Yeah.

I haven't been... Okay.

You don't care if I cheat, do you?

'Cause I will.

Okay, so this happens to be an int or an INT.

Chelsea, any guesses as to what an INT would mean?

International?

Okay, maybe. You've flown a lot.

Uh, in programming, it actually is a type of number. It's called an integer.

- Oh, yeah, I knew that. - You've heard of an integer?

- Everyone heard of an integer before? - Yeah.

This is going to be an integer and its name is Counter.

This is everything that will make your game work.

I'm gonna release your screens, so now you're gonna do it on your screen.

Got it.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I mean, I don't... I don't get it.

Who writes these things, like, "Counter equals counter"?

- Like, whose idea is that? - I have no clue.

- It's annoying, a little. Don't you think? - Yeah.

- Can you help me? - It's not moving.

- What's not moving? - I did everything.

I followed her, so I can't be...

Yeah, she programmed it and it's not...

- Let's check it out. - This is what happens to me though,

with everything with technology.

Every time, I do exactly what I'm supposed to do,

- and then mine never works. - It never works?

Every single time, and this is a perfect example,

because she did it for me. She was telling me what to do.

Oh, so you're blaming her?

Well, I... No, I'm blaming you.

When I was young, I threw temper tantrums.

And as an adult woman, I don't really think

I should be throwing temper tantrums.

You know, I've thrown my iPhone, like, smashed it on the ground

when something doesn't go right or I can't figure something out.

I don't have the right amount of patience to deal with these types of things.

So what's underneath that tantrum?

Just this lack of control just triggers you into a frenzy?

Yes!

Like, I almost started crying the other day.

Like, I almost started crying because I was so frustrated.

And I feel like a baby, like a baby, an adult baby.

And I can't, for the life of God, or for the love of God...

I can't even get my sayings straight when I'm talking about technology.

Like, everything's a mess. Mmmhmm.

I don't know how to transfer a file.

I don't know how to get something from my desktop to, say, Facebook.