My Cousin Vinny

Here's some for 37 cents. Here's some for 32.

Thirty-one.

Think that's it. Don't they have any generics here?

I think this is their generic. I never heard of that brand.

Maybe we should get this one. Maybe it's worth a penny.

You're paying for advertising.

Tuna. We should get tuna. Please, no more tuna, okay?

It's got protein. We need protein.

Beans are protein. Beans make you fart.

We got a convertible.

I'm gettin' it for myself.

Country]

One burrito and one large Slush.

$21.67. Can you fill this up?

21.67.

Country]

This next one's a WSTT special request.

It goes out to Ernestine from Charles Weaver with a big old hug and kiss.

You could have gotten caught. What if somebody saw? The laws are medieval down here.

You know what the minimum age for execution is in Alabama?

What, 16? Ten!

Ten?

- There's a cop behind us. - A cop?

There's nothin' to worry about. There might be.

There's nothin' to worry about until there's somethin' to worry about.

Just relax. Please.

Is he still there? Yeah.

Goddamn it. Just calm down.

There's a cop behind us. That's all. There's nothing wrong. There's no problem.

Uh-oh.

What? His light's on.

Fuck. Fuck! Goddamn it!

Fuck! What are we gonna do now? It's probably nothin'.

It might be a taillight. Just relax.

We don't have any money for bail.

Bail? We don't need money for bail. Nothing's happened. Relax.

Nothing? We're getting pulled over, aren't we? You stole something. You're finished.

Shut up. All right?

All right. Here he comes.

Show me your hands!

-Jesus. - Show me your hands! Get 'em up!

Get 'em up! Up!

Now put your hands on top of your head and get out of the car!

Out of the car! Go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure. It's number three and five.

Ridiculous. All this over a can of tuna.

Keep quiet!

Yeah. Uh-huh. You sure about that?

Yeah, he's standing right here.

All right. Bye.

I think we may get a confession.

I just heard that someone shot Jimmy Willis.

He's dead. Oh, my God!

Who would do such a thing?

Hello, Bill. I'm Sheriff Farley. Hi.

Do you know why you're here? Yeah.

I do. I'm sorry. It was a stupid thing to do.

Have you been made aware of your rights?

Yes.

You willing to waive that right?

Yes. I'm willing to cooperate fully.

I'll sign a statement or whatever makes this whole thing easier.

Good. Good. That's-That's good.

But I want you to know, Stan, he had nothing to do with it.

Did he help you plan it?

No. I mean- I mean, it wasn't planned out. You know, it just happened.

Did Stan try to stop you at any time?

No. I mean, he was-

- Why? Is that a big deal? - Aidin' and abettin'.

Aiding and abetting? What is that, a major thing?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

An accessory?

Are you guys kidding? An accessory? I didn't help. I didn't plan it.

You didn't try to stop it.

I didn't know it was happening. I found out later in the car.

Why didn't you get out? Call the police then?

He's my friend.

Well,

your friend has put you in a lot of trouble.

What's gonna happen to Bill?

Nothin', unless he's convicted.

Of course if he is,

we're gonna run enough electricity through him to light up Birmingham.

We were friends at NYU.

We both applied, and we got scholarships to UCLA.

We figured the weather and the scenery would be nicer going through the South.

- What about the tuna fish? - Then I forgot about the can of tuna fish.

And then we-we left.

Did he catch you with the tuna fish? Is that how it started?

- No. He didn't say anything. - But he knew about it?

I don't know.

Let's talk about that for a moment.

You paid for the groceries.

- And then what? - We went out to the car, and that's it.

When'd you shoot him?

- What? - At what point did you shoot the clerk?

- I shot the clerk? - Yes. When did you shoot him?

I shot the clerk?

Hey, Dean. We need you out here.

I'm in the middle of a damn confession here!

Whoa! Wait a minute!

What's the matter?

Do you know what this is all about? Yeah, they're fucking with us.

You don't believe them? No. They don't execute for shoplifting.

You think we're being booked for shoplifting, huh? No.

You're being booked for shoplifting. I'm being booked for accessory to shoplifting.

No. Stan, I'm being booked for murder, and you're being booked for accessory to murder.

It's time to make your phone calls.

Goddamn it! Is there any way you could contact your parents?

How? Call the Chilean consulate?

What are they going to do, send a guide into the mountains, looking for them? No.

We need to call an attorney, a great attorney.

Do you know any great attorneys?

No. I'm calling my mother.

Hello, Ma. We're in Wahzoo.

It's in Beechum County, Alabama, Ma.

Not too good, Ma. We, uh—

We-We've been arrested.

Ma? Ma, please.

Ma, please, first of all, we didn't do it, all right?

Murder. Ma. Ma, please-

Ma, it's a mistake. We must look like the guys who did it.

Tell her what we think is happening. What we think's happening is-

Shut up. We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma.

You know how corrupt it is down here.

They all know each other. The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.

Some of them do. All right, Ma, listen.

We gotta get an attorney, and it's gonna cost a lot of money.

How much would an attorney cost? A decent one? $50,000. $100,000.

50,000. 100,000- I know, Ma. I know.

Can we use any attorney? I think so.

He says he thinks so.

- Oh, he is? Well, that's a great idea. You'll think he'll do it? - What?

- We got an attorney in the family. - Great! Who?

My cousin Vinny!

- What? - Nothin'. You stick out like a sore thumb around here.

Me? What about you?

I fit in better than you. At least I'm wearing cowboy boots.

Oh, yeah, you blend.

I bet the Chinese food here is terrible.

I don't see anything out of whack under there.

It feels like the wheels went out of balance after we hit that mud. That's not it.

I think you should put it on a rack and take a look.

What's wrong?

What? What's the problem?

Nothing. The car was shimmying on the highway a little bit.

You got mud in your tires.

I got mud in my tires? Mm-hmm.

How do you get mud into the tires? That's just a figure of speech.

The mud gets around the inside of the wheel, throws the balance off.

You ever hear of that? Mud in the tires?

- No. - She never heard of it. She knows everything about cars.

Hmm.

Now see, down here, everybody gets stuck in the mud every now and then.

Yep, we're famous for our mud.

Famous for your mud? How's your Chinese food?

- You just keep on asking about Chinese food.

Can't you tell they don't have Chinese restaurants around here?

Gotta let everybody know you're a tourist. Come on.

Oh. What are you, a fuckin' world traveler?

Stop the death penalty!

Our jail was condemned this morning.

That's why we're bringing you all out to the state corrections facility.

Stop the death penalty!

Stop the death penalty!

Unlock the gate!

Go on through.

Whoo!

You know what happens in these places? Yeah, I know what happens in these places.

And sometimes there's a big guy named Bubba no one wants to tangle with.

He'll protect you, but you have to become his sex slave and do whatever he wants.

There's only the two of us here.

What about those cots? I mean, what if they put somebody else in here?

Stan.

Shut up. Okay.

Hey! I can't believe my luck!

Here.

We got somebody for you.

You must be Stan. How ya doin'?

Why'd they bring you in here? Well, I just got in.

I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me right here.

He's sleeping, huh? Cute little guy.

Maybe I'll just start with you. We'll let him sleep a little bit.

I don't wanna do this. Hey, I don't blame you.

If I was in your situation, I'd want to get through this whole thing as quickly...

and with as little pain as possible.

So, you know, let's try our best to make it a simple in-and-out procedure.

What's the matter?

Relax. Relax. Relax.

You know, maybe we should spend a couple of minutes together,

you know, to get acquainted before we, uh, you know, before we get to it.

What's wrong with you? I don't want to do this.

Well, I understand, but, you know, what are your alternatives?

My alternatives? Yeah.

To what? To you? I don't know. Suicide. Death.