Ann Droid

We all worry about looking after our loved ones as they get older,

but at Querrick Medical,

we've developed a diverse range of compassionate,

reliable and attentive care support humanoid workers

to offer round-the-clock home care

at an affordable monthly subscription.

Each robot is unique, whilst meeting British robot safety standards.

And if your loved one would feel more comfortable

with a familiar face,

we have a variety of robots who look identical to beloved personalities.

Haven Comfort - for companionship, independence...

..and peace of mind.

Terms and conditions apply.

We do not take responsibility if the robot attacks or disfigures you.

I'm sorry, darling. Take your dirty foot off the bed.

You're fortunate it's just a sprained wrist,

cos a fall at your age...

Didn't fall.

I fainted.

I've had low blood pressure faints the whole of my life.

Well, you're lucky like plucky

you never smash your head on the corner of the coffee table,

or land teeth-first on the iron doorstep,

or fall down the marble staircase.

What, the marble staircase in my two-bed terrace?

The home environment can be lethal at your age, you know.

Hey! Don't joke with it.

Now, in terms of recovery, you're going to need help.

You live with anybody?

Yeah. I live with my son, Michael, and he should be here any minute.

Is it?

Well, he's taking a long time.

Look, love...

..does Michael really exist?

Mum! Oh, Michael! Where the hell have you been?

Um...

How did you fall? I fainted.

And apparently I'm very lucky

I didn't fall in a fire or a hornet's nest!

You can pick up her pain relief prescription at the reception.

Look what me have for you.

SHE CHUCKLES

If she's going home, I'm going home.

Mr Thomas!

We cannot send you home 'pon your own,

and if you won't go into assisted living...

I don't belong in a care home!

I mean, look at me.

I can lift a bed!

HE STRAINS

Oh, what a backside.

Lyle!

Here we are.

All right.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, I've just got to take this.

You go through to the kitchen.

It's just about the, er...

The broadband, the, um...

The gigabyte, the, um...

The transponder!

Lovely.

Hello, babe.

Yes, I'm home.

No, I haven't told her yet.

She's just had a fall.

I'm not delaying it. It's just...

It's just a difficult conversation to have.

That's hurtful.

I'm not a nappy-wearing, breast-fed emperor baby.

Mum.

I don't like to pester.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

I just haven't had time to plant it.

I got it... I know, I know.

August 16th. Yeah.

It doesn't seem like two years, does it?

He's still everywhere.

SHE CHUCKLES

It's called a David Rose.

That's why I chose it. I will get round to it, I promise.

I want you to know that I know how lucky I am that you're here.

Going through this alone would just be awful.

SHE CHUCKLES

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

OK. Um...

So I was late picking you up because

I was with, um...

..Renee. I was with Renee.

She's changed. She's getting therapy.

She's getting therapy

because she cheated on you with her karate instructor?

Yes.

She's making real inroads with that.

And it's BJJ, Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Well, as long as you don't do anything stupid,

like move back in with her.

Oh, you berk!

I still love her, Mum.

How can you be sure she isn't still cheating on you

with her karate instructor?

She told me.

And...

..it's Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

It's a lot more lethal than karate.

I'm 42.

I'm not meant to be with my mum on a Saturday night,

watching Michael McIntyre.

You were cackling at Michael McIntyre's jokes

about buffets. Cackling!

I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were having such a bad time!

Mum.

I can't just leave my wife

and look after you the way you looked after Dad.

That is very different!

Your dad was very, very sick. PLATE SMASHES

And I don't need looking after.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just have to start building my own life

and stop being a...

..nappy-wearing, breast-fed emperor baby.

Are you going to eat that?

No.

CRUNCHING

It's got bits of plate in it.

Could you please make me another one, Mum?

Sue!

Oh, shit.

Sue!

Sue.

Hello, Phyllis. Oh, dear.

I heard about your fall.

Oh, it wasn't a fall. I fainted.

I've had low blood pressure all my life.

Look at you. You can't even carry your tray!

Let me help you.

No, I don't need help.

You're injured!

There we go.

Oh, it is lucky Michael lives with you and can help.

Otherwise, you would be all alone.

Yes, he's a real godsend.

Because you don't have any grandkids, do you?

At least you get to spoil your one and only child.

Trudi, I ordered your toastie on wholemeal bread

for your bowel health.

Imagine needing one of those ghastly things.

I've heard stories that would curl your toes.

Turning on their owners, spying on them.

And some people are doing things with their robots

that they really should not be doing.

No!

Mm-hm. Yes.

Oh, we are so lucky.

I mean, I have my daughters, all my grandchildren and Geoffrey.

And you have...

..Michael.

Oh, my God. What?

That woman over there has just grabbed

her robot's penis.

PHYLLIS GASPS

Really?

SHE SIGHS

Oh!

Do you want some lunch before you go?

No, no. I've eaten. Thanks.

You know, Michael, if you were in a good relationship,

I'd be very happy for you.

What's that on your neck? Hmm?

It's a rash.

Oh, no, no. It's nothing.

Apparently, it's a totally normal side effect.

Of what?

Oh, I did some clinical trials.

It was only five days. Really good money, though.

Sounds dangerous.

Mum, if it was dangerous, do you really think

the drug companies would do it?

PHONE VIBRATES

DOORBELL RINGS

Now, the whole reason I did it was

because I wanted to buy you a present.

Now, I want you to be safe.

And if you fall again. I'm not going to be here, so...

No!

You got me a robot. I got you a robot.

Hey! You Michael Bevan?

Take it away, please. I don't want it.

She does want it. Bring it in.

Mum, I've already paid the deposit.

Oh!

SHE PANTS

Woo!

It's fragile.

CASS STRAINS

OK.

Christ!

SHE STRAINS

OK.

I'd forgotten how heavy these models are.