Godmothered

Once upon a time,

there was a magical place called the Motherland,

where Fairy Godmothers lived and learned

all they needed to know about godmothering.

Oh, blah, blah, blah.

We all know how this bit goes.

This is not your usual fairy tale.

Fairy tales end with "happily ever after,"

and that's where we begin.

Good morning, Motherland!

It's almost the weekend, and you know what that means.

Grab a pumpkin, raise your wands, break out the glass slippers,

it's time to party like it's 1699.

I'm gonna kick things off with everyone's favorite pop hit.

I'm Agnes. I'm 172 years old at least.

And I'm too cool for school.

It's why they made me the resident DJ, and I don't have to go to lessons.

But this isn't about me.

This is the story of Eleanor.

She's the Motherland's youngest trainee

and the only person who's bothered to apply in decades.

All she wanted was to graduate,

to be a real Fairy Godmother,

to have her name in a book alongside the greats.

That's her in the pink, without any pals.

-(GASPS) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

-Uh-oh, here comes trouble. -(DOOR OPENING)

This is Moira, the headmistress.

She wrote the book on Fairy Godmothering, literally.

Let us open our texts, shall we?

She's been banging on about the same old formula for centuries.

Yesterday, we reviewed step one.

Oh, you didn't know there was a formula?

Recite it with me, please.

A glittery gown turns a frown upside down.

Ooh! Oh, wow!

-Ooh! -It's just the same.

Once you've conjured the gown, you're on your way to step two.

-Which is? Find their true love.

Correct.

Now, once the gown and true love are in place,

we move on to step three.

Which is?

Oh, please? -Anyone?

-Anybody? -Oh, I know it.

-You? -My arm's tired.

Anyone else? -Hurts to hold it up.

Literally anyone.

-Oh. Oh, please? -Yes.

-Happily ever after. -Correct.

Really? Again with the formula?

-Can we do something different today? -(GASPS)

No. Because we never really do anything.

Enough!

Enough!

And this is where the problems really started,

because Moira is not someone you want to cross.

Step three is happily ever after.

-It just happens. -Yes, it just happens.

It's step three.

If you're confused, I can be your study buddy.

I'm totally available, like, anytime, day or night.

There's no reason to be confused.

The formula has been the cornerstone of Fairy Godmothering since it began

because it works.

If it works,

then why is everything around here falling apart?

Everyone knows that people have stopped believing in happily ever after.

Well, everyone except Eleanor, that is.

And she's never gonna be a Fairy Godmother.

Well, you said so yourself.

When's the last time anyone went on assignment?

No more assignments mean no more Fairy Godmothers.

So when exactly were you going to fess up to her and us

that you are about to shut this school down,

and we are all being retrained as Tooth Fairies?

What?

And this was the moment that Eleanor realized

she would never be a Fairy Godmother unless she found an assignment.

Now, being a Tooth Fairy didn't sound so bad to me.

You only work nights,

you've always got a little change in your pocket.

But Eleanor, she was not about to give up her dream.

All she needed was one assignment.

And about 40 to 50 years more training.

Whoa! Ouch!

Ow. Oof!

There has to be something in here.

Wish I could levitate. (GRUNTS)

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing! Ugh! Nothing?

Nothing!

Okay. I give up.

And just when she thought all was lost...

Wait. What?

Please.

Yes!

Dear Fairy Godmother, my name is Mackenzie Walsh,

and I live at 8566 Hawkins Street in Boston. In America.

And I need your help.

-(ELEANOR SCREAMS) -(THUD)

I'm okay.

Obviously I would like world peace,

but there is also a boy in my class,

and he is the cutest boy in the whole school.

It is my dearest wish that he would even notice me.

Please, could you help make that wish come true?

Toothbrush.

Nightgown. Books:

-Howdy! -(YELPS)

Where are you going?

What? No, I'm not going anywhere.

If I was going somewhere, I'd be packing away my books. Like this.

And my toothbrush.

And my extra underpants. Like this.

Oh, and my spare wand. In case of emergencies.

Did you see me do that? No. I don't think so.

I know what you're doing, Eleanor, I just don't know why.

-Can you keep a secret? -I am a secret.

I went to the Assignment Room.

Why? It's empty. That's why they're shutting us down.

It's not totally empty. I found an assignment.

-Get outta here! -No.

Look.

Mackenzie Walsh, age ten.

I'm gonna help that little girl and save the Motherland

by proving that people still need Fairy Godmothers.

Well, you got moxie, kiddo.

But even if this girl does need a Fairy Godmother,

you're not trained.

Well, I'm not going to get trained if the Motherland is shut down.

And even if I don't know everything, I know that I can do this.

I was born to be a Fairy Godmother

It's in the very heart of me

Ow!

You know you're not supposed to sing. We've talked about it.

You're gonna miss my singing when I'm gone.

Trust me when I tell you

there are worse things than being a Tooth Fairy.

Moira's not a big fan of fairies going rogue.

If she finds out you're gone, she could close the portals back,

or take away your magic.

Shh, don't say that.

I have to do this.

Well, if you're going, you're gonna need to know the way out of here.

Right.

-Kid, you'd better move fast. -(GASPS)

You only have a few more days before Moira closes us down.

Thank you, Agnes.

Knock 'em dead, kid.

Oh, Agnes, if everything goes right, nobody's gonna die.

Goodbye.

Oh.

I can do this, I can do this.

I can do this.

I can't do this.

Oh.

Nicely done. (CHUCKLES)

-(GRUNTS) -(THUD)

And they say portal crossing is a senior-level course. (CHUCKLES)

What in Godmother's name!

Hello, friends. Which way to America?

East? West? Oh, both.

Pumpkins! Yes!

All right.

One carriage, coming up.

Oh, no!

Not the big one!

There's gotta be a better way to travel.

-(CAR HONKS) -(SCREAMS)

Hey. Hey!

Hey, are you okay?

You can't sleep here.

-Why? Are there dragons? Evil fairies? -(SIGHS)

In a manner of speaking, yeah.

Oh.

Whoa!

Oh, your carriage must've required an enormous pumpkin.

How many footmen are inside?

Uh, none. Just me.

Beth.

Beth. You're hilarious.

Everyone knows women don't drive themselves.

That's what mice are for.

-Sweetheart, are you on drugs? -Of course not.

What are drugs?

Oh, boy, that's a yes.

Look, do you have anyone you can call?

I guess there's my roommate.