Alien Autopsy

Hello, Qwerty Films?

Morgan Banner for Michael Kuhn.

- (Buzzer) - Push the door.

That works. Good.

Oh, great. It's dark. There's no lights here, so careful.

What is this story?.

Michael wouldn't tell me who these people are or what their story is. So, I don't know.

They're not here?.

They'll be up in a minute.

Up in a minute?. I've travelled 4,000 miles for this meeting!

I know, I know, but they won't come up unless I phone them

and tell them that you've signed this.

- It's a confidentiality agreement. - Jesus!

- I've had enough of this bullshit. - Morgan, wait!

Michael, what do you think I do?.

Just action. Just...

I make documentaries.

They put them in cinemas all over the world for millions of people to watch them.

- I don't make confidential films. - I realise that.

But this...this thing...

this thing these people have done, the thing that I want you to hear,

they've kept it secret for ten years, they're not sure how many laws they broke doing it,

and they simply want to know that if you're not interested

you won't tell their story to anyone else.

This had better be so good.

- (Footsteps) - (Man # 1) Right...

I'll do all the talking, yeah?. Yeah...

What are you talking about?. Don't exaggerate.

You've got to relax a bit more. You're too uptight. Careful!

Hi.

You all right?.

Uh...my name's Ray Santilli.

- This is my friend, Gary Shoefield. - All right?.

You've...probably never heard of us, though, have you?.

Correct.

Why don't you type Ray's name into Google, and see what happens?.

Uh...come on.

- (Morgan) S-A-N-T-l... - L-L-l.

How many hits?.

Three million, nine hundred eighty two thousand...

our hundred and seven.

Yeah.

Bet you want to hear their story now.

@ We are young

@ We run green Keep our teeth nice and clean

@ See our friends, see the sights Feel alright

@ We wake up, we go out, smoke a fag Put it out

@ See our friends, see the sights Feel alright

@ Are we like you?. I can't be sure

@ Of the scene, as she turns

@ We are strange in our worlds

@ But we are young, we get by

@ Can't go mad, ain't got time

@ Sleep around

@ If we like

@ But we're alright...

- Gary, how you doing?. - How do you think I'm doing?.

- You took my car. - Calm down, Gary. We discussed this.

Yes, Ray. We discussed it, and I said no.

Gary, please. It's only for one day.

Look, whatever you do, don't eat in the car.

OK, mate.

Hey, thanks, Gary.

I appreciate this.

- Ray! - @ We run green

@ Keep our teeth nice and clean

@ See our friends, see the sights

@ Feel alright...

- (Man) If you suspect this is a pirated video... - You up yet, Nan?.

I'm putting the new Woody Harrelson on.

It's called Natural Born Killers. I think you'll like it.

Just, er...don't stop it once it's started, will you?.

- I'm taping it for a couple of friends. - All right, sweetheart.

- I thought you wanted to watch the film. - Maybe later, when I get back.

- Back from where?. - My date.

- Your date?. - His name's Maurice. I met him at bingo.

- Where's he taking you?. - Margate for the day. Oh, I cannot wait.

I haven't been on a date in 47 years.

Now, just hold on. I don't know anything about this Maurice character

and if you've just met him, you don't either.

I don't like this one little bit, Nan.

Ah...

- Oh, hello. I'm... - Maurice. Right.

- This is a first date, yes?. No funny business. - I'm not sure I under...

I want her back by four o'clock, or there'll be trouble.

Raymond, go, please.

Do we understand each other?.

Four o'clock. I'll be waiting.

Nice one, Edgar.

- You get them Babe tapes?. - Yeah, plus a free GoldenEye.

Come on, I've got cushions. I've got pillows.

T-shirts of the The King. What about you, my darling?. All the way from Vegas.

Oh...

So, are you saying this is a genuine Toy Story video?.

Yes. I've got friends in the business. They look after me.

- You got friends in Hollywood?. - Yeah. Me and Mr Potato Head are like this.

- That's me on top there, look. - Eh?.

Got something for you. Here you go, my friend. Timecop, special edition.

Van Damme has never been better.

I don't want one of your stolen videos, thank you very much.

They're copied, with great care and attention by me.

- You'll have no problem. - That's where you're right, Mr Santilli.

Islington Council Trading Standards Offiicer. And it's you that's got the problem.

Oi! Arrest him.

- I told you on the phone, I can't help you. - You're my lawyer!

I'm not your lawyer. I'm not anyone's lawyer...

...because I'm not a lawyer.

I'm a clerk, in a legal department.

But they've impounded all me stock. I have to get it back.

This month's sales are paying for my trip to America.

A buying trip that's gonna transform my whole business.

I'm sorry. Please go now.

All right.

Help me out of this, and I'll cut you in as well.

You're sitting on my receipts. I want you to leave.

You can't want to be a legal clerk for the rest of your life.

Gary, a word in your ear, please.

I'm not going to be.

Come on, chop-chop. Come in, have a seat.

I wanted to have a word with you, Gary,

because there's going to be an opportunity for a bright young individual

that the firm is willing to send back to college to get their law degree

and then put on a fast track to top management.

I had heard some rumours.

Because of your experience,

your knowledge of this company, and the people working in this company,

we wanted to ask you.

Really?.

Who you'd choose. Marcus or Rachel?.

It's not easy, is it?.

Who would you be more comfortable calling boss?.

Yes, sir, two portions?. OK.

You all right, mate?.

Best thing that ever happened to you, Gary.

Now you know you've got no future there, tell 'em to shove it.

Look, how are you ever going to date a Page Three girl or drive a Pontiac GTO,

working as a lawyer for a biscuit firm?.

I don't care what you say, I'm not going to America with you.

Aren't you tired of playing it safe yet?.

I mean, take a risk, bet on yourself.

Bet on myself?.

Yeah!

- Maybe you're right. - Course I'm right.

- Why do I need them?. - Exactly.

I could pay for myself to go to law school.

What?.

Apply for a place myself, pay the fees myself.

- After we get back from America?. - I'm not going to America.

- But you haven't got any money. - But I will have, though. When I sell my car.

Do you have any idea what a mint condition, perfectly restored

1974 Ford Capri goes for these days?.

Ray, where's my car?.

I can sell Elvis stuff standing on my head.

Authentic memorabilia, that's the business we're going into.

You can't still be huffy about the car.

- Why not?. - But look what you've got in its place.

A stake in your own business.

And this time, we're going right to the top.

- Mm. - Don't want your Sag Aloo?.

- No. - Wicked. Cheers.

The plan was perfect.

Elvis had given a concert in Cleveland in 1954.

So, we stuck an ad in the local paper saying we were gonna be in town for a few days

and we'd pay cash to anybody who had any old photos

or, better still, film footage of the King himself performing there 40 years before.

Then the idea was we'd bring it all home, sell it for a fortune.

Well, that was the idea.

Gary! Gary, you've got to come and see this.

- This is Harvey. - Hello.

Look! Look at that.

It's the King, performing here 41 years ago.

And it's uncopyrighted.

So, you think you might be interested?.

Uh, maybe...maybe.

Condition's not great.

- There's no sound, which is a problem. - No sound. It's a problem.

I'll tell you what, why don't we forget the whole thing?.

Why don't you go and get some more punch, while I discuss this with my business partner?.

Fine, fine.

- Will it be expensive?. - No, I've got him in the palm of my hand.

@ I feel so lonely, baby

@ I feel so lonely

@ Since my baby left, ooh-ooh

@ I found a new place to dwell, ooh-ooh

@ Down at the end of lonely street

@ Is Heartbreak Hotel, oh, baby...

Jesus! You scared the life out of me.

Hang on a minute. If you've come back about the film, I'm sorry, you're too late.

- A deal's a deal. - I'm fine with the deal.

You see...

I have another piece of film I think you'll be interested in.

- Well, what is it?. - I don't have it with me.

But you've really got to see it, to understand.

- Did you just see that?. - What?.

There's a shooting star, just there, right above us.

Yeah, but it's gone now.

Yeah...

there are things up there so beautiful

sometimes I've cried...

just thinking about them.