Jake's Journey

Hi. I'm Jake Sibley.

That's my family and that's our home in good old Dayton, Ohio.

My life was terrific until my dad got this job in England

and took us all with him to the other side of the world.

See my mom and my dad and my sister keep telling me how great it is here.

But I don't get it.

Any place where they drive on the wrong side of the road,

play all the wrong sports, and it rains all the time can't be that great.

The truth is I'd like to go home.

Here's to another beautiful day.

What are you up to, Sarah? - We're going on a field trip today.

Oh, that's nice.

I wish Jake would go on a field trip or something.

Any trip to the USA, Jake would be out of here like a shot.

Good morning Jake.

Straighten your tie dear.

Why do I have to dress like this?

I mean, I feel like I park cars for a living.

Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

All your friends have to wear uniforms.

All my friends live in Dayton, Ohio dad.

I don't know anyone here yet.

And if I did they wouldn't know that the Yankees

are playing a double header against the Indians today.

And if I told them they wouldn't care.

I don't have any friends here and I never will.

Well, you know Fiona Penwarden.

Or you'd like to.

Shut up, Sarah.

Don't you talk to your sister like that.

Now who is Fiona Penwarden?

She's some girl who lives down on the corner, I don't even know her.

I've seen her twice.

He means stared at her.

He was practically drooling.

He wants to ask her to the dance next Saturday.

But he's too scared.

You know, an accident can be arranged.

You were never shy before, Jake.

I never lived in England before, dad.

I mean, if you haven't noticed, they do things differently here.

It's all coats and ties and I'm terribly terribly pleased to meet you.

And even if I did talk to her she'd probably think I was a total nerd.

No way, people aren't that different here.

Hey, did this phone ring?

Huh?

Watch my mouth: Did this phone ring?

No. No, it didn't.

No hold on, why shouldn't she like you?

You're a good looking boy. - Yeugh.

Mom, she's much too classy for him.

You know, I'd like to stay at this table

and get picked on for another hour or two, really I would.

But I don't want to find out

what happens to you if you're late for school.

I think they'll probably beat me with a stick.

Have a nice day, dear.

Jake...

Why don't you just ask the girl? - What if she says no, dad?

Well that's better than not knowing. And she might say yes.

Look, you just got to join in with life here a bit more.

It's an adventure. Take some risks.

What have you got to lose?

Thanks dad.

Take some risks. What have I got to lose?

Oh, just total humiliation.

My life. You know, that sort of thing.

Fiona Penwarden.

That's her. Alright, stay cool Jake.

Just relax, just stay calm.

Hold it out, lad.

Keep it steady!

Help me up then lad, don't just stand there.

I told you to hold that thing steady.

You've ruined a perfectly good second hand tabard.

What's going on? What am I doing here?

People on quests don't ask questions like that.

What did you do that for?

Good question. Bright lad.

Well, it's tradition, I suppose.

I'm obliged to if you answer back.

What if I don't answer back?

You always do. Pages always answer back,

otherwise it's considered dumb insolence.

You're not being dumb and insolent are you?

- Good lad, well done. - Thank you.

They always do. Right, now this quest...

Aren't you going to ask me what quest?

It's alright to talk if I ask you to.

- Ah, okay. - Sometimes.

Right, off we go.

I have here a love letter from prince Kevin the Rich.

He thought he might not be rich enough to land this very rich princess

so he's gone off on a crusade or two, and gave me this proposal of marriage.

We must brave many hazards, dragons and so on,

to deliver it to his beloved, the princess Yeugh.

That is our quest.

Our quest? No, no no no. I'm not on a quest,

I'm not even a page, I shouldn't even be here.

Stop. The rules of questing subsection B, pages, says:

Rule one.

Until the quest is finished, no page may claim

that he is not a page, not on a quest,

or should be somewhere else, on pain of dismemberment.

Rule two is exactly the same, only slightly more cruel.

I once had a page who claimed that he was from another century.

Oh yeah, what happened to him?

Burned at the stake. Heresy, I think it was.

Great.

So tell me about this princess Yeugh.

I mean she sounds kind of horrible.

She's called Yeugh because her parents thought it would be character forming.

But she is ludicrously rich, and also a princess, and therefore, pretty.

But I expect she is the usual curvaceous blonde,

with pert, shapely... things, and so on and so on.

Come in!

What do you mean, come in, we can't come in, we're all out.

Well, if we're all out, I'm not in.

Good day to you.

Damn, damn. Oh, damn.

Oh, sorry about all that. Have a nice day.

I wonder what that was all about.

Witches don't usually appear for nothing.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

Had a note for you. Got burnt.

It just said, beware.

Well that's not particularly useful is it.

Didn't it even say when we had to beware?

Only beware, beware!

Even more stupid than I thought.

Right. Now for this dragon.

- Dragons don't exist. - Quite right lad.

Dragons is a metaphor for some unspeakable horror.

The road to the castle should cross the stream round about here.

I think there is a troll bridge.

- Will we have to pay? - Right, that's it.

I'm not going any further with you. - Why? What did I do?

That was a blatant attempt at a pun, the second lowest form of wit.

You heard perfectly well it is a bridge guarded by a troll, not a toll bridge.

I won't move any further until you've apologized.

- I'm sorry. - Right.

So what is a troll anyway?

Well, it's a sort of huge, pointy, fierce, hairy,

slimy greenish uncooperative entity which eats people.

Smaller people. Anyone under five foot eleven.

- That's, that's very specific. - They are.

But that's no more than you not liking eggplant.

Do you like eggplant? - No way.

Well there you are then.

How tall are you?

Five ten and a half with shoes.

Shoes don't count.

Wait a second, so if I try to cross this bridge, this thing is going to eat me?

Unless we distract it in some way.

Don't worry, I have a plan.

Look out, there's someone behind you.

Aha!

What a life.

I've been knocking people in this river and eating them

for twenty eight, no, thirty years.

And what do I get? "Look out, there's someone behind you."

There must be more to life than this.

He kind of sounds like my father.

Middle age, I suppose.

It's only a phase.

So how do we get around him?

You should know that. Distract him.

Wait, I thought you had a plan.

That's it. Off you go, you can do it.

Good plan, real good plan there.

I die, you watch.

Good morning.

Are you talking to me?

Yeah.

You know, I thought there was supposed to be a troll around here or something.

Oh really?

He must have gone.

You know, I really like your shirt.

- Shirt? - Your shirt, it's brilliant.

- What, this? - Yeah.

It's trendy.

Did you get that around here?

No. I've had it for years.

No kidding.

And who does your hair?

What do you mean?

Well I mean, it's awesome.