Shakes the Clown

Mom, who's the naked clown in our bathroom?

Well that's, errr?

What is it, honey?

What the hell you doing, kid?

I had to go to the bathroom.

On my head?

Hey, buddy, this is my bathroom, not your bedroom,

you big drunken mess.

Billy.

Come on, sweetheart.

Come on.

Let's give your mother's new boyfriend a chance

to collect his thoughts.

Ooh, boy.

What a morning.

Hey, kid, I'm sorry I went

and freaked out on you like that in the bathroom there.

It's okay.

Would you like to see a magic trick?

No.

Yeah, me neither.

Here.

Why don't you go out

and buy yourself something real nice, huh?

Thanks, Elvis.

This'll go a long way in the toy store.

That's a cute kid you got there.

Thanks.

Is that clock right?

- Yeah. - Oh, shit!

Well, what's wrong?

L was supposed to be at a birthday party.

Can I help you?

Last night when I got here, I had a wig.

This one?

You got others?

No, you're my first clown.

Hey.

Will I ever see you again?

Maybe.

What's your name?

Shakes, Shakes the clown.

Oh, my head!

God dammit!

What a fiesta we are having

on the Palukaville morning 200 here on K-L-A-R-D.

That's K-LARD.

I'm Larry Loud.

And I'm Barry Obnoxious.

And we're Loud and Obnoxious.

Oh, boy, what a weekend I had.

I'm telling ya, I went to my psychiatrist

and I went in and said,

"Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me."

"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

He said, "Your problem is you're two tents."

Well, okay.

Let's go directly to the telephones here.

Good morning to you, you're on The Morning Zoo.

How are ya?

I'm fine, who is this?

Barry Obnoxious on The Morning Zoo.

Do you listen to K-LARD here in Palukaville?

No, I don't listen to you.

God dammit, I'm an invalid!

I had to come down 14 stairs.

Well, it's too bad you had to get up out

of your sick bed, but this is The Morning Zoo.

I think it's something important,

I don't know whether it is, I don't know who it is.

Some fucking asshole on a radio program!

Okay, we got a crazy guy on the phone here.

I want to thank you.

Got yourself a free T-shirt.

Come on down to the station and pick it up.

I gotta empty my colostomy bag, all right?

Hey, buddy, I gotta use your can.

- Hold it, jerk, not so fast. - What?

The bathroom is for paying customers only.

Don't I get a free mug?

Man, fucking people.

You know, when we built this place,

there wasn't a clown in the area.

Good morning, tiger, how you doing?

You're late.

You the clown?

No, I'm Mary fucking Poppins.

Hey, watch your mouth, mister.

You don't get to, hey, hey, I'm talking to you.

I don't care who you're talking to.

Let's get a couple things straight.

One, I'm not your pal.

Two, I need $150 cash in advance up front.

And three, if you ever talk to me again,

I'm gonna twist your head into a fucking balloon animal.

- Okay? - Okay.

- Okay? - Okay.

- Nice hair. - Thanks.

Smooth.

Lawn bowling, it's just so wonderful.

I can't concentrate on the game.

I gotta know if Shakes got that TV show.

What's the rush?

We'll find out. Because he gets it,

he's gonna use his friends, right?

- Yeah. - Who are his best friends?

Me and you.

So he gets us on TV, we get plenty of babes.

Shut up.

You don't get babes 'cause you're on TV,

you get 'em 'cause you're cool.

What do you know about women?

I know the deal, man.

That's how it works.

You haven't had a woman since I known you.

I've been busyjuggling and doing shit.

You get on TV, all that'll change.

Everybody on TV gets lots 0' pussy.

Weathermen get a lot of pussy.

Huh?

Weathermen get a lot of pussy.

Weathermen don't get the kind of pussy I got.

I got that peanut butter pussy...

brown, smooth and easy to spread.

Come on, Billy.

We're all bored.

Let's get the sushi out of the sun.

- Ow, ow, ow. - Mom.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Hi, kids.

It's your friend, Shakes the clown.

It's giving me all the trouble, so we'll put it in here.

Where'd it go?

Boom!

- Lucy, look! - All right!

I knew you could do it!

Ow.

You know, the real bowlers said

if I win another interstate,

I have a really good chance of going pro.

They know what they're talking about.

Yeah, I'm just so happy.

So, was your boyfriend Shakes there last night?

No, he was up all night with a sick friend.

Judy, he was chasing broads and drinking their beer.

Come on.

I haven't told this to anybody, but I think...

maybe Shakes is a alcoholic.

Judy, don't use the medical term, all right?

The guy's a drunk and a half.

Of course he's an alcoholic.

You're right, you're right.

Look, a pretty bowler like you,

you could have any man in the world.

Yeah, I should start thinking about my career.

This has happened to other girls, right?

Mm-hmm.

You get involved with a guy, things go wrong.

Next thing you know, you end up dead

at the bottom of a motel swimming pool.

Every time.

Look, you gotta lose this guy, all right?

A bad clown could really fuck you up.

As soon as that camera is off,

he's gonna fuck that little dog.

Yes, kiddies, that's right.

This is my last show.

Your old Uncle Peppy is being retired from the show.

Forget all that shit.

Who's the new host?

Kiddies, I just know

you're gonna love my replacement, Binky.