Summer Camp

As you know this is a summer camp,

a run-down summer camp.

Now the function of summer camps is to give young people

the opportunity to experience outdoor living.

The main function of this summer camp is to make money.

Now if you took a good look around you will observe

that there are no young people here.

The Camp Malibu is in trouble.

- You mean they're gonna close down the camp?

No no no no, not unless I have to.

But I have a plan, and I need everybody's help.

I have here a list of influential past alumni,

I'm gonna invite these kids up here

for a weekend reunion, at our expense.

That's your plan?

I don't get it.

I do and I think it sucks.

It's very simple Dr. Fox.

While they're here, we give 'em a big sob story

about the condition of the camp,

you know, really lay it on.

Tell 'em without their help the camp will fold.

We really need their family's financial sup...

- I don't think the kids are gonna fall for it.

- Sure they will because that's part of the plan,

we make it fun, competitive, women's lib,

boys against the girls, whoever does

the best job will win a prize.

What kind of prizes?

Ah, a certificate of achievement.

Be careful, that's liable to break you.

- Let me congratulate you on your brilliant,

but larcenous plan, Herman.

Thank you doctor.

Now everybody, let's get to work and save Camp Malibu!

Yah, yeah, yeah...

Geronimo!

- Sandy! - Gail!

Hey hey yeah.

- Kill me! - Jeez!

- Welcome kind sir to the Beverly Hills Hotel!

Thank you kind sir!

Now could you direct me to the nearest.

Place looks like a refugee camp.

Speaking of refugees, look at those two.

Jenny Thong?

Yeah, you're in cabin number two.

Thanks.

- You're Horse, right? - Gable, Clark.

Uh, well, four.

- Jerry Walker. - Okay, cabin number two.

I'll call you when I need you.

Don't I even get a kiss?

Yeah I guess so.

There you are you little tramp.

Will you get your ass in the kitchen,

I have a lot of cooking to do.

- You call it cooking, I call it revolting.

Would you get up, and into that kitchen

before I flatten you like a pancake?

- Ah yes, one of your specialties, Frisbees.

Come on!

Hi, I'm the camp doctor.

- Thank you. - Cindi Curtis.

Oh, welcome back Cindi.

Hi, good to see you again!

- Hi! - Welcome back to Camp Malibu!

Hi!

Oh, all right. - Hey Herman, Herman, Herman!

There's a strange character over there,

I've never seen him before.

I don't know what he wants.

You take care of this honey.

Well hello!

- All right, hello there, I'm Herman Samuels,

can I help you with anything?

Uh no, no thank you.

- All right then just what the hell are you doing?

Oh me, looking, just looking.

Looking, looking for what?

Oh, you know, gold, silver, molybdenum,

possibly even oil.

You mean here?

Uh-huh, maybe, maybe not.

One never knows.

Just who or what are you?

Oh me, I am a geologist.

Well, look here Mr. Geologist,

this is my property, so if you should find anything

you let me know, I'll even give you 10%.

- Make it 40. - Twen, 20.

- 60. - 50.

Thank you.

Hi it's good to see you again.

- Steve, same here. - Matt, yeah, yeah.

Hi, it's Horse, right?

Uh, Haley, Haley Mills.

You're Jerry, right?

What you got there? - Nothing.

Doesn't look like nothing to me.

Cool it, nobody knows and that's the way

I want to keep it.

Partners?

Partners.

Uh-oh the head honchos!

Bump bump bump bump bump bump bump bump...

Buda-da-da!

I'll keep him away don't worry about it.

- Hello Mr. Samuels! - Fucking Horse.

Tidal wave.

Call me Herman, Matt!

Glad you decided to come up.

We hope that joining our team here's in your future plans.

Uh, speaking of my future plans, I...

Aren't you in school?

- Yeah, I'm registered and enrolled and everything,

I'm just not really sure what I'm gonna do about...

About what?

Well I've never really been able

to talk about this.

I don't know why, I know it sounds silly,

but for some reason Herman, I feel I can talk to you.

Well I'm glad you feel that way Matt.

- Well the fact is, I just really don't know

what to do with my life, I mean,

the path seems so well laid out.

College, law school, job waiting, family,

marriage, senility.

What do you really want?

Well that's just it, I don't know.

I mean I could get a job, I could travel,

I could bum around Europe, the United States.

Hell I could even join the Navy or the Army.

I just don't know.

Well, you seem like a bright young man,

I'm sure that whatever you decide will be the right thing.

Thanks a lot.

- I just can't get over how much she's changed.

Kim, yeah, she's changed all right.

And I have a feeling it means trouble.

I'd give anything to look like that.

All right girls!

I just want to explain a few things to you.

First, as some of you are still underage,

and I am still responsible for you,

there will be no boys, or men, in this cabin, understood?

Oh wow.

- Second, you will be in your beds, alone, by lights-out.

Does that mean we can't

even fool around with each other?

And last, you will keep this cabin neat.

There is no maid here, and this especially means

the bathroom, okay?

Be very careful how you dispose of things.

What does she mean, Cindi?

- Kotex. - Any other questions?

Yeah, do we get milk and cookies

before you tuck us in?

Real cute Kim.

As you were.

Boy she hasn't changed much in 10 years.

But we have, that's the problem.

Yeah will I came up here to have fun,

and no biddy's gonna stand in my way.

We're all up here to have fun.

Well she's only trying to do her job.

- Yeah, well I don't know about you people,

but I'm not about to stay cooped up in this hen house.

Ciao.

I assume this is my bed.

Yours and a bed bag.

Very funny.

That's exactly what they said about you.

Fuck all you guys!

- I'm first. - I'll be second!

Come on on that's enough, Jesus!

- I don't understand, the guy doesn't want to be here,

what is he doing here?

Maybe he's into self abuse.

- Isn't that when you get hair on your palms?

- That could be it, we're gonna check his palms for stubble,

it could be contagious!

Leave me alone!

I never wanted to come here ever!

They made me!

Now I understand, they made him.

They made him!

Ah well they didn't do a very good job!

Why don't you shut up, you fruit!

- What did you call me? - You heard me.

- I ought to put this where the sun don't shine!

Nome, Alaska!

Civilians out of the way, ya, ya, ya,

ya, ya! - All right all right

what is going on, what is this?

Why it's a giant dildo.

Who does this belong to?

A giant, she lives right

over there! - It's mine!

All right guys will you cool it, okay?