Hero Corp

LET'S GO FOR A RIDE.

MY NAME IS GEORGE LASS. I'M 18 YEARS OLD, AND I AM DOWN THERE SOMEWHERE.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A STORY. NOT MY STORY. THAT'S LATER.

THIS IS JUST A STORY. READY?

ONCE UPON A TIME, OR MORE SPECIFICALLY, AT THE DAWN OF TIME,

GOD, LOWER-CASE "G,"

WAS GETTING BUSY WITH CREATION,

AS THE KIDS THESE DAYS ARE SAYING.

HE GAVE TOAD A CLAY JAR AND SAID,

"BE CAREFUL WITH THIS. IT'S GOT DEATH INSIDE."

PLEASED AS PUNCH AND OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT

THAT HE WAS ABOUT TO BECOME GOD'S FALL GUY ON THE WHOLE DEATH ISSUE,

TOAD PROMISED TO GUARD THE JAR.

BUT THEN ONE DAY, TOAD MET FROG.

"LET ME HOLD THE JAR OF DEATH, OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT," FROG BEGGED.

WITH A NOD TO NANCY REAGAN'S PEARL OF WISDOM,

TOAD JUST SAID NO.

BUT FROG WAS DETERMINED,

AND AFTER MUCH WHINING, TOAD FINALLY GAVE IN.

"YOU CAN HOLD IT BUT ONLY FOR A SECOND," HE SAID.

IN HIS EXCITEMENT, FROG BEGAN TO HOP AROUND

AND JUGGLE THE DEATH JAR FROM ONE FOOT TO THE OTHER.

FROG WAS AN ASSHOLE.

"STOP," TOAD CRIED OUT, BUT IT WAS TOO LATE.

FROG DROPPED THE JAR AND IT SHATTERED TO THE GROUND.

WHEN IT BROKE OPEN, DEATH GOT OUT,

AND EVER SINCE ALL LIVING THINGS HAVE TO DIE.

MAKES YOU WONDER HOW MUCH BETTER THE WORLD WOULD BE

IF FROG STUCK TO HOCKING BEER.

SO, THERE YOU HAVE IT, THE MYSTERY OF DEATH FINALLY REVEALED.

WE ALL DIE, SOME OF US SOONER THAN LATER.

FOR ME, IT'S GOING TO BE MUCH SOONER,

BUT THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF MY STORY.

THAT'S NOT ME.

THAT'S ME.

I'D SAY I'M SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU,

BUT I'M NOT. I EXCEL AT NOT GIVING A SHIT.

EXPERIENCE HAS TAUGHT ME

THAT INTEREST BEGETS EXPECTATION,

AND EXPECTATION BEGETS DISAPPOINTMENT,

SO THE KEY TO AVOIDING DISAPPOINTMENT IS TO AVOID INTEREST.

A EQUALS B EQUALS C EQUALS A, OR WHATEVER.

I ALSO DON'T HAVE A LOT OF INTEREST

IN BEING A GOOD PERSON OR A BAD PERSON.

FROM WHAT I CAN TELL, EITHER WAY YOU'RE SCREWED.

BAD PEOPLE ARE PUNISHED BY SOCIETY'S LAW.

DROP YOUR WEAPON. PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!

AND GOOD PEOPLE...

WHO'S A PRETTY KITTY? YOU ARE.

COME ON, SWEETHEART.

...ARE PUNISHED BY MURPHY'S LAW.

SO, YOU SEE MY DILEMMA.

GEORGIA LASS?

HI. I'M DELORES HERBIG, AS IN "HER BIG BROWN EYES."

I'LL BE YOUR HAPPY TIME CAREER COUNSELOR. WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH ME?

"SOME COLLEGE," HUH? DIDN'T FINISH?

"SOME" SEEMED LIKE ENOUGH.

MMM-HMM.

I SEE YOU HAVE MANAGEMENT EXPERIENCE IN THE FOOD SERVICE INDUSTRY.

BACON MEATO WITH A CHERRY PEPSI AND AN ORDER OF NAFTY TOTS.

YEAH.

DO YOU EVER WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

AND REALIZE YOUR LIFE IS MEANINGLESS?

WHAT?

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE MICROSOFT OFFICE SUITE?

WORD? ACCESS? POWERPOINT?

I KNOW LOTUS.

WE USE EXCEL NOW, DEAR. YOU MIGHT THINK ABOUT TAKING SOME TUTORIALS.

I'M GONNA GET STRAIGHT TO THE POINT.

WHAT KIND OF WORK ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT'S AVAILABLE?

FOR YOU, WE HAVE CLERICAL POSITIONS.

RECEPTION, DATA ENTRY...

I WAS TOLD TO ASK ABOUT BEING AN EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT.

WELL, YOU CAN ASK.

TO BE ABSOLUTELY HONEST, WITH YOUR RATHER LIMITED

EXPERIENCE AND EDUCATION,

YOU'RE BETTER OFF STICKING TO REDUNDANT DUTIES.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT FILING?

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD.

CAN I MAKE AN OBSERVATION?

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SMILE ONCE SINCE YOU SET FOOT IN THIS OFFICE,

AND A SUNNY DISPOSITION GOES A LONG WAY IN ANY LINE OF WORK,

ESPECIALLY HERE AT HAPPY TIME.

TRUST ME, NO EMPLOYER IS GONNA WANT A SAD SACK ON THEIR HANDS.

LOOK AT ME. I CERTAINLY WOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN AS FAR AS I HAVE...

HOW FAR IS THAT?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

HOW FAR HAVE YOU GOTTEN?

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE THIS IS A CORNER OFFICE WITH A VIEW.

AND, LIKE, EVERY DAY YOU HAVE TO FIND JOBS FOR PEOPLE,

MOST OF WHICH ARE PROBABLY BETTER THAN YOURS,

AND THAT HAS TO SUCK.

AND I BET THEY DON'T PAY YOU MUCH, EITHER.

JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION.

HOW DID THINGS GO TODAY?

OKAY.

JUST OKAY?

YEAH. JUST OKAY.

SHE'S BITTER BECAUSE THEY TOLD HER

SHE WASN'T QUALIFIED TO GET A DECENT JOB.

OH, SWEETIE, I'M SORRY.

WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK?

HERE WE GO.

YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE DROPPED OUT OF COLLEGE.

YOU KNOW, I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY

YOU COULDN'T AT LEAST FINISH THE SEMESTER.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, GEORGIA?

YOU USED TO HAVE FRIENDS, YOU USED TO BE SO SMART.

IT'S LIKE YOU JUST GAVE UP.

WELL, I HATE TO SAY "I TOLD YOU SO."

YOU LOVE TO SAY "I TOLD YOU SO."

SWEETIE, DON'T TALK THAT WAY TO YOUR MOTHER.

YOU KNOW IT ONLY AGGRAVATES HER.

OH, THANK YOU, HONEY. THAT'S SO HELPFUL.

MEET THE FAMILY.

JOY, AGE 41, IS A VIRGO.

SHE'S A CAREER, SECRETARY AND ENJOYS

ICE SKATING AND JOHN GRISHAM NOVELS.

SHE'S PATHOLOGICALLY AFRAID OF BALLOONS AND HATES THE WORD "MOIST."

SHE THINKS IT'S PORNOGRAPHIC.

CLANCY, AGE 43, IS A CANCER.

HE'S A TENURED PROFESSOR OF ENGLISH AT UDUB

AND IS, I'M TOLD, VERY WELL RESPECTED.

HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ONE OF HIS GRADUATE STUDENTS.

AND THAT'S REGGIE. SHE'S 10.

SHE'S NOT REALLY INVISIBLE,

BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, SHE MAY AS WELL BE.

THIS IS DELICIOUS.

AND MOIST.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, MY MOM TOLD ME SANTA CLAUS DIDN'T EXIST.

NEITHER DID THE EASTER BUNNY, THE TOOTH FAIRY OR THE GREAT PUMPKIN.

EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN'T SAY SO SPECIFICALLY,

I JUST SORT OF ASSUMED GOD DIDN'T, EITHER.

OTHERWISE I'D PROBABLY BE PRAYING RIGHT NOW.

I'D PRAY FOR WORLD PEACE, ET CETERA,

AND MAYBE EVEN FOR A LITTLE GUIDANCE.

I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO BE CUSPING ON ADULTHOOD AND NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE,

WHAT YOU WANNA BE, OR EVEN IF YOU WANNA BE?

IT'S 10 SHADES OF SUCK IS WHAT IT IS!

GET UP!

MOM.

THAT WOMAN FROM THE TEMP AGENCY CALLED. SHE'S GOT A JOB FOR YOU.

WHAT KIND OF JOB?

WELL, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.

I DON'T FEEL GOOD.

TOO BAD.

I THINK I HAVE A TEMPERATURE.

DAMN IT, GEORGIA, YOU ARE NOT SIX YEARS OLD.

EIGHTEEN YEARS OF CODDLING IS ENOUGH FOR YOU, YOUNG LADY.

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

SUCKLING AT MY RETIREMENT FUND,

YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING.

YOU WILL GET OUT OF BED AND YOU WILL GO TO WORK.

YOU WILL COLLECT A PAYCHECK AND YOU WILL MOVE OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

UNDERSTOOD?

GET DRESSED.

THOSE ARE FUNERAL CLOTHES.

THERE'S GONNA BE A FUNERAL IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED!

THOSE ARE THE LAST WORDS MY MOTHER WILL EVER SAY TO ME.

NOW, MOVE IT!

BOY, IS SHE GONNA BE SORRY.

WHO HAD THE NERVE TO NAME YOU JOY?

SO, YOU SEE ALL THESE BOXES?

WE ACQUIRED A SMALL INSURANCE COMPANY

BASED OUT OF SPOKANE ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO.

ALL THEIR CLAIM FILES WERE SHIPPED TO US

FOR ELECTRONIC DATA CONVERSION.

THIS IS WHAT WE CALL THE PIT.

GET COZY, 'CAUSE YOU ARE GONNA SPEND A LOT OF TIME HERE.

SO, YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT,

IS TO SIFT THROUGH ALL THIS CRAP AND CODE IT

FOR THE PENCIL-NECKS IN DATA ENTRY.

THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?

SURE, WHATEVER.

COOL.

SO, WHAT DID YOU DO TO PISS DELORES OFF?

HUH?

DELORES HERBIG, AS IN "HER BIG BROWN EYES."

YOU MUST'VE DONE SOMETHING.

SHE ONLY GIVES THIS JOB TO PEOPLE SHE HATES.

AS THE WORK DAY PROGRESSED,

I BEGAN TO SUSPECT THAT DELORES HERBIG, AS IN "HER BIG FAT ASS,"

WAS THE DEVIL, AND SHE'D CONDEMNED ME TO HELL.

TO SPITE THE GREAT HOOFED ONE,

I TOOK EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO SHIRK MY DUTIES.

BUT EVEN THOUGH I DID MY BEST TO DO VERY LITTLE,

MOST EVERYONE ELSE WAS DOING A LOT LESS.

WELCOME TO CORPORATE AMERICA.

WAS THIS IT? WAS THIS WHO I WAS?

WOULD I FOREVER BE REMEMBERED AS A FILE CLERK

OR, WORSE, A TEMP?

JUST TOSS THEM IN THERE.

WHERE ARE THE OTHER FILES?

UH... WHAT OTHER FILES?

THE OTHER FILES I REQUESTED, THE RED-FLAG CASES.

YEAH. LOOKED FOR THOSE, COULDN'T FIND THEM.

WELL, FILES JUST DON'T DISAPPEAR.