Mike & Molly

Here's some hors d'oeuvres.

The crackers are low-cal and taste like tree bark,

so I doubled up on the spray cheese.

Thanks, mom.

What time's your boyfriend getting here?

Quit calling him my boyfriend.

I told you, he's just a fellow from my church

that I'm seeing socially.

Socially? Is that what you kids

are calling it these days? (Laughs)

I'm not amused by the tramp talk.

Regardless, I think it's a good idea for me

to get a look at this guy and size him up.

Got to warn you, he's a smoottalker.

Man could sell sand to an a-rab.

Hey, I'm a police officer, and I can spot a con man a mile away.

And they love to prey on frail, vulnerable women like yourself.

That's true.

That'll be him.

Take a seat, mom. I got this.

Promise me you two stags won't lock horns in the living room.

Don't worry, I'm just gonna lay out a few ground rules,

let him know I'm keeping an eye on him.

You must be little Mikey.

Yeah. Hi. Come on in.

Thank you.

Dennis Richardson is my name.

I'm your mom's...

Friend from church.

Friend from church.

Forgive my tardiness.

I didn't allow for enough time to cook dinner

as well as give myself a haircut.

I can vouch for the tastiness of the food,

but I wouldn't take a tape measure to these sideburns.

You cooked dinner at your house?

Cooking here implies a level of domesticity

that makes Margaret uneasy.

Oh, by the way, shoes on or shoes off?

Leave 'em on. These kids don't need

to see you running around half naked.

Understood.

Oh.

And I bought you some baseball cards.

Upper deck.

Uh, thanks.

Hi. I'm Molly, Mike's girlfriend.

Oh, really? Margaret never mentioned

that little Mikey was seeing someone.

Well, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, Molly.

I'm afraid that

since I was unaware of your existence,

I neglected to bring you a gift.

Oh, don't worry about it... it's just nice to meet you, Dennis.

Perhaps I could offer you a book of stamps

or a crisp five-dollar bill?

: No.

Look at him work his magic.

Sand to an a-rab.

* For the first time in my life *

* I see love. *

Dinner was delicious.

Good for you, finding a man who knows his way around the kitchen.

Hey, I know my way around the kitchen.

I meant cooking, not finding an oreo in the dark.

Oh.

While the dishes are soaking,

shall I whip us up a batch of my homemade oatmeal scotchies?

I could eat a cookie.

Oh, we're-we're fine, Dennis.

We're trying to lay off sweets.

Aw!

That was a really wonderful meal.

Where'd you learn to cook like that?

I was a cook in the army during the vietnamese conflict.

Vietnam? Wow!

Did you see any combat?

That's how I got this bum ear. Artillery barrage.

If I hadn't covered my head

with that stock pot of chipped beef,

I don't think I'd be standing before you today.

I thought you were gonna make cookies.

I'd eat a cookie. No, no, no cookies.

Why don't you sit down with us for a while?

He doesn't like to sit. It's true.

Probably from all that time I spent crouching in a bamboo cage

getting poked by a Vietcong bayonet.

Oh, my God. You were a P.O.W.?

18 months, waist-deep in a snake-infested swamp.

Still better than High School, though.

Peggy: Aw, boo-hoo,

cinderella.

Quit boring these kids with your sob stories.

You're absolutely right, Margaret.

This evening is not about me.

It's about little Mikey and his lovely girlfriend.

Dennis: So...

How long have you two been together?

I don't know, for, like, maybe a year.

Seven months.

I was rounding up.

So, are you young people hearing wedding bells in your future?

Oh.

What the hell's the matter with you?

They... they haven't been together that long.

The wheels could fall off this wagon on the drive home.

Well... I don't know about that.

I think we're doing fine; We're moving along very nicely.

Absolutely. We got a good thing here,

and we don't need to ruin it by talking about marriage.

Well, I don't think we'd ruin it.

Oh, I-I didn't mean ruin.

I just mean spoil or taint.

Taint?!

The point is...

That's a conversation for another time

way in the future.

So how far in the future are you talking about?

Because I'm in my 30s... I'd like to have children someday.

Well, me, too, but...

But what?

Uh...

It would appear that I've opened up

a can of worms.

And you wonder why people lock you in cages

and poke you with knives.

I never even met the man, and he asked

if Molly and I are planning on getting married.

Well, once somebody drops the m-bomb,

it changes everything, never goes away.

It's like trying to get dog crap out of a tennis shoe.

You can hose it down, take an old toothbrush to it...

Don't matter, that shoe ain't never gonna smell right.

All I know is I'm not gonna rush into anything.

When Molly and I are both ready, that's when

we're gonna get married. Good for you.

Just don't you dare elope on me.

It'll break my heart, and I will never, ever forgive you.

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm assuming I'm your best man.

Unless you got another guy who Heimlich'd

the sugar baby out of your windpipe.

And I would be honored

to be a groomsman, as long as you pair me with Molly's sister.

I am bound and determined to tap that.

Listen, you can both just relax.

Molly and I aren't anywhere near getting married.

Well, when the time is right, you'll know.

But let me say, I am a sucker for a spring wedding.

Oh, yes. The flowers are beautiful,

and the season gives you that sense of new beginnings.

It is the midwest, though, so you're

rolling the dice on the weather.

That's why you plan an outdoor wedding

but with an indoor option.

Oh.

Listen, ladies, nobody's getting married.

Understood.

But I will need at least three weeks notice

if you want a decent best-man speech.

And if anybody's tapping Molly's sister,

it's gonna be me.

Uh, good luck with that.

You have the badge, but I have the accent.

Oh, and a good bachelor party

can't just be thrown together at the last minute.

That's true. We should probably start

scouting out strip clubs right now.

We can begin downtown, and then work our way to the airport.

Mm, I don't know.

Those places get nastier the closer you get to the airport.

I say we start there.

Vince, sweetie, it's not a big deal.

Once in a while, it's gonna happen to a man your age.

Yeah, but it's never happened to me before.

I'm so humiliated.

Hey, I'm a patient woman,

and I know eventually, when you relax a little

and take the pressure off yourself,

you'll remember exactly where you left your Viagra.

Lucky for us, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

I pray to God you're talking about skinning an actual cat.

Where's the big guy, sleeping in?

No. Things were kind of awkward between us last night,

so he slept at his place.

See? Not every night can be mardi gras.

Sometimes a man is tired and overworked,

so he forgets where he put his erection enhancers.

Good-bye.

No, sit down, honey.

Now, Vince, hush.

Now, listen, if you and Mike are having troubles,

you can talk to us about it.

It's no big deal.

Last night somebody brought up the topic of marriage

and... Mike panicked.

What do you mean, panicked?

You know, his face turned white and he started fidgeting

and chewing his thumb; He looked like a giant baby

that had to go pee-pee.