Louie

[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE" PLAYING]

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, you're gonna die

The hardest thing about having kids is just the... All the...

Is just the days that you spend with them.

That's really the hardest part. It's just every day that you have them...

...is the hardest part of having kids. It's just every day.

It's getting up at 6:00 in the morning, which...

First of all, I'm not that guy. Six o'clock in the morning.

I have blown off entire careers...

...because of one day I didn't wanna get out of bed.

Like, "Oh, I'll just not be that, then."

First, I gotta get them dressed. That's number one.

Because that's the one that people will notice.

That's the only one... If that's the only one that I get done, I'll be okay.

I... Because if I show up with two naked kids, I'll go to jail.

So I have to... But I can not feed them.

"Oh, no, they're fine. They ate. They're just a little tired. It's fine."

And then I gotta get them to school, which means walking...

The older one goes to kindergart... Third grade. Jesus Christ.

I just said kindergarten. She's in third grade.

You know what's even worse? She's not. She's in second grade.

Anyway, so, yeah, wolves are like dogs.

They're, like, in the same family of animal.

So, guys, have a good week with... Have a nice time with Mom.

Hello? Hey. I'm here with the girls.

Okay, I'll buzz. Let them up. Okay.

There you go. Bye, Daddy.

Bye-bye. Bye. Bye, Daddy.

Have a great week. See you.

Hello? Hey.

It's Pamela. I'm at the park with Serge.

Do you wanna bring the girls over? I just dropped them with their mom.

She's got them for a whole week.

Ooh. Good for you. Freedom.

Not really.

Why? When they're not with me...

...I just get depressed.

I tend to fall into a spiral of just awfulness.

Well, don't. Just don't. That's stupid.

Use your time. Make a project. Get energized, man.

You know what? You're right.

I'm not gonna be a bag of shit like I always am.

Good. Go.

And I'm shittin' into Hitler's mouth

And I'm pissin' in his mother's face Right out of

My dick is bigger than a monkey's paw

Sorry.

Uh... I'm in a good mood.

Is that all? Yeah. Um...

You want some ice cream?

I shouldn't, you know, because I'm...

I'm trying to...

...get motivated, and my kids are out of town...

...but I'm trying to take...

Screw it.

Oh, God, yes.

Hello?

Bro. Hey, Robbie. What's up?

What's the matter? You sound depressed. I am.

I've been eating ice cream and a bunch of other things for about two days now.

Dude, do you ever exercise?

No. See, that's what your problem is.

You got ice cream for blood. You sit around on your ass all the time.

Get that jump rope out and get moving. I mean, this is disgusting.

You know what, man? You're right. Thanks.

Bro, I gotta borrow some... Bro? Br...? Oh, you son of a...

Ah.

What the hell?

Hey. Hi. How you doing?

Sure.

Could you open a window when you're smoking pot in there?

Because it smells up my apartment.

Ha. What? I don't smoke pot.

Yeah. No, seriously.

I've never smoked pot in my entire life.

Pot? How does one smoke a pot?

I'm not trying to judge you for whatever you're doing in there.

Can you just be a neighbor? Be a human being?

I don't wanna smell that all the time. No, I told you, I've never smoked pot.

I don't smoke marijuana, right now, in front of you, like this.

I've never done that in my life. Never.

Okay, man. Look, I'm not a cop...

...and I'm not your dad. I just...

If you wanna be a shitty person, then go ahead.

Hey, wait a minute. Hey, I didn't mean to upset you.

You're a nice guy. Why don't you come in for a while?

No, that's okay. No, come on.

You said you wanted me to be a neighbor.

Why don't you be one? Come in. Get to know me.

Unless you're too busy wearing those shorts.

Okay.

Yeah? Yeah, sure. Come on.

Hi.

Here, have a seat.

Oh, sorry.

So my name's Jeff. What's yours? Oh, Louie.

Um... Is that your...? Is this your girlfriend?

I thought she was with you. Jesus.

No, I'm kidding. She's my wife. Oh, what's her name?

Piss Shit Fart.

Her parents were hippies.

Okay.

Hey, are you a comedian?

Yeah. Ha-ha. That's weird.

I guess. You gay?

No. Why not?

What's the matter, man? You seem depressed.

Why does everybody think I'm depressed after knowing me for a second?

Because you're a huge bummer. You're, like, a huge, huge bummer.

You know what, man? You're right.

I'm sorry I came in here and bothered you. I used to get high when I was a kid.

I probably would've thought I was a bummer too. I'm just...

I'm just having a bad day.

Well, this is probably gonna sound cliché, but you should just try to enjoy yourself.

You said you used to get high? Why'd you stop?

I don't know. I guess I just grew up and stopped.

Did you like it when you used to get high?

Yeah, a lot, but, you know, I'm a dad.

Are your kids over there? No, no. They're with their mom for a week.

You're having some of this.

Wow.

It's been a long time. That's...

Really good pot. Yeah.

You're probably feeling high already. Shit, yeah.

You all right? I think maybe I'm getting a bit too high.

No, no, no. Here.

Just drink way too much of this. It'll counteract.

Okay.

Hey. What...? Where did that dog come from?