It Could Happen to You

Once upon a time in New York, there was a cop named Charlie.

He was a very decent guy, as was his partner, Bo.

He was a good listener.

He loved kids.

He had patience and common sense.

He was resourceful.

Come on, let's go. Watch your step. Come on, keep it moving.

Okay, people, let's go. Let's go. Come on, let me get through.

Let me get through now. Make way, come on. Step lively now, come on.

He was just a good cop.

Charlie lived happily in Queens, where he was born and had lived all of his life.

-Yo, Charlie. -Jesu. How are you?

-Kill anybody today? -Didn't even wound anybody.

Been really slow.

-You're not gonna see your wife? -No, she doesn't like me to surprise her at work.

Charlie was married to Muriel. She hated Queens.

I don't know. If he was a detective or an undercover cop...

...at least he'd have decent clothes.

You know? But that's not for him. He's gotta wear the uniform.

I feel for you, honey. Because you got driving ambition.

I know. I never pushed him enough.

If he was on the take, at least I'd say, "Okay. He has initiative."

My sister was married to a cop for 10 years. It's a no-win situation.

Either they're honest and you're broke, or they're crooks and they never come home.

So your sister, what did she do?

She left the cop and married an electrician. That's your real money.

I'm running out of patience. I tell you, I'm a person who needs money.

And then there was Yvonne, a waitress, who's about to get some terrible news.

Miss Biasi, according to your records here, you owe $12,000 on your MasterCard.

Your Honor, those charges were incurred by my ex-husband...

...Eddie Biasi, the actor, after I threw him out.

The bank is not aware of your divorce.

Because we're not divorced yet. But I told him, "You have to tear up the credit cards."

And he promised--

If you're not divorced yet, you're still liable for any and all debts your husband has incurred.

But I am divorced in my heart. You know? I mean, and that's what counts.

Legally, that's not what counts.

But do you know how much it costs to get divorced? Have you ever been divorced?

Probably not. Probably not. Probably you haven't.

Probably you've had good luck your entire life.

Which is great. Which is the opposite of me.

Miss Biasi, if the MasterCard is in your name, it's still your responsibility.

Listen, please. I came to New York from Pittsburgh five years ago, to be an actress.

I had done "Our Town" in college.

Let me tell you something. Played Emily. People were crying buckets.

-I'm sure they were. -Will there be anything else?

So I come to New York, and I meet Eddie.

Talk about the worst luck of all. Your Honor, he swept me off my feet.

He bought me flowers, he took me on taxi rides, and real restaurants.

With linen and wine and good lighting, you know?

Everything was so perfect, except he turned out to be this pathological liar.

And I believed every word he said...

...because I used to have all this faith in people. You know?

So.... So, like, in short...

...what are my options here?

Charlie, Muriel and Yvonne all lived in a city...

...where people prayed for miracles every day.

Like winning the $64 million lottery.

My name is Angel.

The story you're about to see, well, it's pretty much all true.

I had a dream last night.

I was playing a slot machine, and I got three cherries, but they wasn't cherries.

They were my father's face, the face of my dead father. It's a sign.

But you hated your father.

Makes no difference I hated him. A sign is a sign.

I know you think I'm nuts, but I tell you, we're gonna win.

I didn't say you were nuts.

I just said the odds of us winning the lottery are not overwhelming.

And you know what? It's okay.

One bedroom in Queens is not my idea of living.

One bedroom in Queens is fine.

If we had kids.... If we had kids, it would be another story.

-We don't have the money to have kids. -Of course we have the money to have kids.

Cops have kids. Firemen have kids.

If only rich people had kids, there wouldn't be public schools.

Charlie, just get the ticket this morning, please.

She gotta get real. You gotta tell her:

"I'm the man. I'm out here every day, getting it done...

...getting paid, bringing it home." You know what I'm saying? She gotta listen to you.

-You can't be serious. -It takes two minutes.

I'm starving, man.

-Hey, people, this is police business, step aside. -Bo, Bo.

-It'll take two minutes. -Sorry. Sorry.

This is gonna take forever. Then the Burger King's another five blocks.

-So we'll eat across the street. We never went there. -What, that place? Oh, no.

-Where the hell were you? -I told you yesterday, Sal.

Five times. A personal matter, I couldn't help it. Hi, Carol.

You are two hours late. It comes off your paycheck.

What? Do you know how many sick days I have coming?

You want a sick day, get sick. If you're healthy, you work.

Get me some coffee.

-On your head, sweetie pie. -Thanks.

-That guy sets a nice tone here, huh? -Yeah, like a drill sergeant.

Here we go.

-You guys want some coffee? -Please.

Please.

-You guys know what you want? -Cheeseburger deluxe, medium.

And while I'm waiting, a blueberry muffin.

All right.

And you, officer?

You recommend the lobster thermidor?

That's really funny. I mean, I think I'm just gonna die laughing.

The kind of day I've had so far. I can't even tell you what a treat this is.

You've had a bad day?

-Call me when you're ready. -A meatball sandwich.

Really. That's what I want.

-Meatball? -Meatball.

You are very brave, officer.

She likes you. Yeah, she really likes you.

I was trying to cheer her up.

We got a store alarm on Spring Street and a naked man in traffic...

-Well, I'm full. -...on Sullivan.

Shit, I'm gonna starve to death.

-Your turn for the check. -Okay.

-Miss, we gotta run, so we'll just take a check. -After that whole routine?

-When those radios go off.... -Where, where? Where did I--?

Thank you.

All right, so that's two coffees plus taxes. Two even.

Oh, jeez. I'm short.

-Fine, officer. No charge. -No, I have the check.

I just don't have enough for a tip.

-I'll live. -I can't not leave a tip.

So leave a tip.

A lottery ticket?

With my luck? Be serious. No. Go, get the cat out of the tree or whatever it is that you do.

No, that would be the Fire Department.

-Come on, Charlie, let's go. -In a second.

Listen, I got an idea. What's your name?

Yvonne? Yvonne, I'm Charlie Lang, and we're partners.

If this ticket wins, I'll come back tomorrow and split the proceeds.

If it doesn't, I'll still come back and leave you a tip. What do you think?

-I think I'm never gonna see you again. -You'll see me tomorrow.

-Well, I'll be here. -You've got a deal.

All right, five more minutes.

-Charlie. -Yeah.

I ordered Chinese. Come up.

-In a minute. -What, are you whipped?

No, I'm not whipped. I've got adult responsibilities. Next batter.

Hey, batter, batter, batter.

That's it. I'm out of here. Where's the ball?

I'm coming, Mom.

-Are you whipped, Jesu? -It's my mother, there's no comparison.

-See you tomorrow, kiddo. -Yeah. Night, Charlie.

Did you, by any chance, have surgery last night?

You mean these? No. No, this is just a prosthetic bra....

Charlie, come on. Don't do that next to me. That's disgusting.

-I'm just soaking my feet. -Please.

I just can't believe it's you.

Well, it's not. But it's gonna be.

-Since when did this bother you? -Since now, okay?

Oh, God! Charlie, now you're spilling water all over the place.

Maybe I should call the Red Cross. I'll tell them we're a federal disaster area. God!

As a matter of fact, I have some a couple of sizes larger that I'll change into after work.

-Charlie. -What?

You think I should get my boobs done?

-Done? -Yeah, you know, enlarged.

So I could be like that.

What, are you nuts? It seems so extreme.

-Forget it. -I just don't think you need it.

Forget it.

Look, the problem is that I had to declare bankruptcy.

My MasterCard got taken away. What I wanna know is when I'm gonna be able to get it back.

What are my chances?

-Under 15,000 a year? MasterCard. -Shall I speak to them? Love to.

Yeah? Well....

Wait. I see.

Well, thank you. That's what I thought.

-What did they say? -Slim to none. Those are my chances.

Well, the lotto jackpot has grown to over $64 million.

We'll check the winning numbers when we return.

-You got the numbers wrong. -Wrong?

-Our anniversary is on the 27th, not on the 26th. -We always celebrate on the 26th.

We got the license on the 26th. We got married on the 27th.

-So why do we go out on the 26th? -I don't know, maybe it's custom.

Look, the fact is that I specifically told you our anniversary.

To anybody with any sense in their heads, that means the day they got married.

-I am sorry, darling. -Twenty-six, 64, 84.

Did he say 26?

Those numbers, again, are...

...6, 12, 16, 26, 64, 84.

-What? -We won. We got the jackpot.

-That's unbelievable. -We're rich. We're rich. We're rich.

-The jackpot? -We're rich, rich, rich.

-What are we having, honey? -BLT down with turkey bacon.

-Any Miracle Whip? -Of course I have Miracle Whip.

No matter how broke I am, there's just certain things, certain standards.

You have to have things in your life that are stable, that are permanent, eternal.

-Oreos. Smuckers. -Exactly.

-Thank you. -Will there be anything else?

Will there be anything else?

There'll never be anything else.

God, I hate this. I feel bankrupt.

What?

Oh, God. A bowling team from Albany had the same numbers.

-They get 9 million. -Why am I not surprised?

-Well, how many are there on the team? -I don't know. Twelve guys is the average league.

Okay, well, do each of these guys get a piece, or do you consider them all as one?

Muriel, Muriel. The veins, they're bulging out of your neck.

You look like a psycho.

What? All right. Yeah.