A Night at the Opera

- The gentleman has not arrived? - No, he has not.

Why, I'm afraid the dinner will be spoiled.

What difference does it make? It's too late to dine now.

- Oh, boy. - Yes, madam.

Will you page Mr. Otis B. Driftwood, please?

Mr. Otis B. Driftwood!

Paging Mr. Driftwood.

- Mr. Driftwood! - Ha-ha-ha!

Mr. Driftwood! Mr. Driftwood!

Boy, will you do me a favor and stop yelling my name

all over this restaurant. Do I go around yelling your name?

- Mr. Driftwood! - Say is your voice changing?

Or is somebody else paging me around here?

- Mr. Driftwood! - Why, Mrs. Claypool, hello!

Mr. Driftwood, you invited me to dine with you at 7:00.

- It is now 8:00, and no dinner. - What do you mean no dinner?

I just had one of the biggest meals I ever ate in my life.

And no thanks to you, either.

I've been sitting right here, since 7 o'clock.

Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner,

I expect her to look at my face.

That's the price she has to pay.

Your check, sir.

$9.40? This is an outrage!

If I were you, I wouldn't pay it.

Now, then, Mrs. Claypool, what are we gonna have for dinner?

- You've had your dinner. - Alright, we'll have breakfast.

- Waiter! - Yes, sir.

- Have you got milk-fed chicken? - Yes, sir.

Well, squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Driftwood, three months ago,

you promised to put me into society.

In all that time, you've done nothing

but draw a very handsome salary.

You think that's nothing, huh?

How many men do you suppose are drawing

a handsome salary nowadays?

Why, you can count them on the fingers of one hand,

my good woman.

I'm not your good woman!

Don't say that, Mrs. Claypool.

I don't care what your past has been.

To me, you'll always be my good woman, because I love you.

There. I didn't mean to tell you but you,

you dragged it out of me. I love you.

It's rather difficult to believe that

when I find you dining with another woman.

That woman? Do you know why I sat with her?

- No. - 'Cause she reminded me of you.

- Really? - Of course.

That's why I'm sitting here with you,

because you remind me of you.

Your eyes, your throat, your lips...

Everything about you reminds me of you...

except you.

How do you account for that?

If she figures that one out, she's good.

Mr. Driftwood, I think we'd better keep everything

on a business basis.

How do you like that? Every time I get romantic

with you, you wanna talk business.

I don't know. There's something about me

that brings out the business in every women.

Alright, we'll talk business.

You see that man over there eating spaghetti?

No.

Well, you see the spaghetti, don't you?

Now, behind that spaghetti is

none other than Herman Gottlieb...

Director of the New York Opera Company.

- Do you follow me? - Yes!

Well, stop following me, or I'll have you arrested!

Now, I've arranged for you to invest

$200,000 in the New York Opera Company.

- I don't understand. - Don't you see?

You'll be a patron of the opera.

You'll get into society.

And you can marry me, and they will kick you out of society...

and all you've lost is $200,000.

- Oh, Mr. Driftwood. - Oh, Gottlieb. Allow me.

Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool.

Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool.

Mrs. Claypool, I could go on like this all night,

but it's tough on my suspenders.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool.

- Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. - Oh, what are you doing?

Now, if you four people want to play bridge,

don't mind me, go right ahead.

Mrs. Claypool, I'm so happy.

I just wanted to see if your rings were still there.

Mrs. Claypool, you're as charming as you are beautiful.

I'm afraid you've used that speech before, Mr. Gottlieb.

Now listen here, Gottlieb,

making love to Mrs. Claypool is my racket.

What you're after is $200,000.

You better make it sound plausible, because

incredible as it may seem

Mrs. Claypool isn't as big a sap as she looks.

How's that for lovemaking?

I think the Europeans do it better.

Alright, Gottlieb, it's your turn, you take a whack at her...

and keep it clean.

Mrs. Claypool, it is most generous of you to help us.

Now, you have, of course, heard of Rodolfo Lassparri.

- Oh, of course. - Oh...

He's the greatest tenor since Caruso.

- Yes. - Tonight, uh...

With the money you so generously provide

I sign Lassparri for the Opera Company.

He will be a sensation.

All New York will be at your feet.

Well, there's plenty of room.

And now, the, uh, the opera awaits us.

If you both will honor me by occupying my box.

- I should be charmed. - And you, Mr. Driftwood?

Well, uh, I'll join up with you later.

Now, listen, Gottlieb, nix on the lovemaking,

because I saw Mrs. Claypool first.

Of course, her mother really saw her first,

but there's no point in bringing the Civil War into this.

What are you doing in my costume?

Take it off at once, do you hear?

Immediately.

Why, you...

You...

Take that off!

Take off that dress, do you hear me?

You dumb idiot, you do what I say, or I'll break your neck!

Do you hear me? Take off that dress!

If I get my hands on you, you will never hear the end of this!

You're no longer my dresser, you're fired!

Get out! Get out!

Get out. Do you hear me? Out you go.

And don't come back in here again.

Don't you care. You're lucky to be rid of him.

- Oh. Good evening, Rosa. - Good evening, signore.

Tomasso, why don't you come in? I've been waiting for you.

Are they not beautiful, signorina?

From Signor Lassparri.

I wouldn't wear them

if they were the only flowers in the world!

Come in!

Oh, no. Not if you're gonna use that tone.

Now, let's try the whole thing all over again.

Only this time, try to be a little more cordial.

Come in.

Ah, that's better. Now, let's try it once more.

No, Ricky. You're such a fool.

Now, what was it you wanted to see me about?

Oh, I suppose I sent for you?

Well, you meant to. Didn't she, Marie?

Uh-huh.

Ah, look, here it is the last night of the season

and I'm more in love with you than ever.

Now, what're you gonna do about it?

Oh, Ricardo, we have all summer to talk that over.

Tonight, we have to sing an opera.

We have to sing an opera? You have to sing an opera.

I'm nothing but a glorified chorus man.

- Don't say that. - I've got to say it.

I've got something else to say.

What are you doing tonight?

Unless that big ham Lassparri asked you first.

- He has asked me first. - Just my luck.

But I'm having supper with you, Riccardo.

Hooray! We'll have champagne, music, flowers...

"Lassparri."

Oh, no. No flowers.

- Well, Fiorello! - Tony!

Where have you been all these weeks?

Oh, here, there, different places.

You got some mail for me?

Mail for you? You don't work here.

Alright, so where am I gonna get my mail? I no work anyplace.

Hey, Tomasso!

- Shh! - Shh!

- Hey, not so good. - Shh, shh!

Don't be so glad.

I brought you present.

You got something for me, too? What do you got?

Where's... Where's Riccardo?

- Alright. - Shh.

- Fiorello! - Ricardo!

Nice to see you. What are you doing here?

I thought you were out with the circus.

The circus? When was I with the circus?

Oh, I nearly forgot.

It was a long time ago, last week.

Why, since then I have lots of jobs.

Your piano and my voice.

You know all those years we studied at the conservatory,

and what's come of it?

Oh, what's a matter with you?

We're still young. We've got our health.

You hear that?

Someday, Riccardo, you're gonna be

where Lassparri is.

Why, when you were little boy, six years old,