Survival of the Thickest

Mm-mm-mm!

I don't know how this ball stays so moist, but it sure do!

- - Thank you.

I think you're the first woman to ask me that.

You know what I love about having a husband?

Is having a husband.

Oh wow. Why are all these pictures of Jade kissing in the booth?

She's just a horndog.

She said she gets it from her great-great-great-great-great-grandmother.

It, like, runs in her family tree.

But it looks like everyone had a really great…

You still haven't talked to him?

No. It's been 163 hours, and I have not talked to him,

and I don't wanna talk to him.

But it was my idea not to tell you, but you're not mad at me.

Yeah, but you were protecting me, and… and he was like--

- He what? - He hurt my feelings. He ruined my day.

I mean,

I miss him.

I do. I miss him sending me selfies every day.

Asking me to delete them right away,

"Because the government might be watching, Mave."

Or, I don't know, "The iCloud, Mave." I don't even know what the iCloud does,

but I'm still mad at him.

You guys have been in an argument before.

Yeah.

Yeah, but not like this.

- Are you afraid to talk to him? - I'm not afraid to talk to him.

I am, like…

I am just feeling very vulnerable right now.

What happens when we have a hard conversation

after a disagreement?

We get closer.

Then, my beautiful wife,

maybe you should talk to him.

Did you just rapido-fire me?

Ew! I hate it when you're right.

But I also love being your wife. This is very confusing.

Thanks for comin'.

I… got you somethin'.

That's for… that's for your feet.

It's supposed to help with… with nausea and, you know, just to relax.

And that's lavender.

You fuck with lavender? Put that… It's a little roller.

You tap it behind your… Right before bed, and you…

How do you know about that?

'Cause I got friends, and… and a nigga reads, okay?

Okay, I was just askin'.

Thank you.

Look.

I want to be involved, and I know it's your body.

I know it's all that. I get that. It's… And you right.

That's yours. Some of me is in there now, but it is yours.

And I'm not one of these lazy-ass niggas, like… like Nelly.

Changing diapers at midnight. I'm… I'm… I'm down for all this baby shit.

If he needs somethin', I'm that somethin'.

Okay? And if you want me there, I'd love to be there, and I mean that.

My plan was to have my baby in Central Jersey.

My aunts, they got a whole system set up.

There's always gonna be someone there to help me, to take care of us.

We believe in the village, and my community is locked and loaded.

- Uh… - Thank you.

Did you say commune?

It's a house of three generations, one shared checking account.

- You call that whatever you want. - It's called a commune.

It's commune-ity.

It's… literally in the word.

- Yeah, I see how you got there. - So…

Look, this is my plan

because I know I can't do it by myself.

- What's your plan? - Uh…

I don't… I don't have one plan.

I got plans.

So many.

My cup overfloweth with plans.

That's how many plans I got. I got the commune and the ity.

- Okay, Khalil. - Yes.

I believe you. That's awesome.

I'd love to meet 'em someday.

Mm-hmm… Yeah.

Khalil, are you home?

And if you're in the bathroom, just say bathroom.

If you're still mad at me, you can say that too.

- Hey. - Hey, hey.

- Hey. Wait, hello? - Hello?

I can't hear you.

Why do you sound like you're in a haunted submarine or somethin'?

- This is awkward. - It is.

I brought you some Black-owned toilet paper 'cause…

- You know I needed some. - Yeah.

- Appreciate it. Two-ply? - Not with those pipes.

I know we both said some, like, pretty hurtful shit at my wedding,

and I was triggered.

And I really wish we didn't do that.

I hate it so much.

I hate it so much too.

- It's awful. - Like…

I been watchin' you in these baby trenches for a year

trying to get pregnant,

and I've been running from it my whole adult life, and…

and then boom.

The universe is a asshole.

Who you tellin'?

I shouldn't have said it was fucked up and that it ruined my life.

I shoulda never said that to you. I know how much you want this.

Mavis, I'm sorry.

Thank you

for saying that.

I was thinking about it, and I was like, "Why did this hurt so much?"

"And, like, why did I get so mad?"

So fucking mad.

And… it's because I'm jealous.

I'm jealous of you. You get to experience something that I've wanted for so long,

and I don't wanna be jealous.

I wanna be happy for you. I'm going to be happy for you. I am.

Yeah, well, these some crazy…

Mm-hmm.

These are some crazy life changes.

- Oh my God, yes. - You know, you married.

- I'm about to have a baby. - What the fuck?

We're growin' up together.

How… how are we adults but still growin' up?

Listen, there is no world where I am not in your life

and I am not in your kid's life.

We're family. Okay?

- - Okay.

I really needed to hear that.

You also need to get your apartment tested for lead

because how you gonna raise a baby in here?

- Yeah, it's rustic. - Uh, no, we past rustic, bruh.

Felt like you needed to hear that shit too.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

No kissing during the green-card interview. Separate.

Makes you look like you're tryin' too hard.

And… it's gross.

Love is not gross. Like, who hurt you?

It's not about me. Don't try to turn the tables.

- Okay. - Okay?

For the record, what's your name?

Mavis "Bad Bitch" Beaumont. Okay?

- What about you, buddy? - Luca Berrada.

Husband to the bad B.

Ah-ha-ha-ha.

Question one. Who hogs the covers?

- Oh, he does. - I… I do.

I mean, it's insane how much he hogs the covers.

He's like a rotisserie chicken. Baby, it's a lot.

- Explain yourself. - My feet get cold.

- Why don't you wear the socks I made you? - My feet get too hot.

- Then your feet are gonna get cold. - Make the socks less hot.

Good one. Yeah.

Hmm. Not bad. All right.

- What side of the bed do you sleep on? - The side Mavis thinks is hers.

I'm a woman. I could change my mind.

How you doin'?

- Wendy Williams. - That's right.

That's not bad, but that's not who's in this interview.

- But I will say, it's feeling pretty real. - Yes.

So, on to the next question.

- We are killing this, baby. - Oh yeah.

You know, we can skip this one about kids. We don't have to…

We are doing so good. Ask us the question.

Just have you thought about having kids,

and, you know, where do you see yourselves down the line? That's it.

- We don't have to… - Yeah, easy.

We definitely see kids in our future, and we are trying to have them.

I… um…

I don't know.

I don't think so.

You… you don't think so?

We've been trying for a really long time, and nothing has happened,

and I'm really exhausted just, like, living in this emotional question mark,

and I really wanna feel light and bright and happy.

And I don't want to feel insecure at all. You know? So…

I don't… I think I'm done.

Yes, but why didn't you tell me?

I don't think I knew till now.

This is something we should be talking about.

Well, we are talking about it right now.

- We are talking about it at our interview. - This is not a real interview.

- True. - But this is a real conversation.

- Also true. - Okay.

Hey.

Mave, I'm sorry. I didn't…

I shouldn't ask these stupid questions.

No, it's not stupid.

It's a really good question.

I can't run away from hard conversations with people I love.

And it feels so good to speak my truth.

Give me that other hand, Berrada.

Wow! Wow-wow-wee-wow.

It's really hard not to make an MLK joke right now.

This is my dream!

Oh my God, these colors though.