Trainwreck

Girls, your mother and I are getting divorced.

Don't cry. I know you're upset, I know you're confused.

I don't know what your mother told you,

but let me explain it from my side,

in terms you can understand.

You got your doll, right?

You got your doll there.

Yeah.

- You got your doll, you like your doll, right? - Yes.

- You love your doll. - Yeah.

Yes, you love the doll.

But what if I told you

that was the only doll you're allowed to play with

for the rest of your life?

How would you feel?

Sad.

You'd feel sad! Of course!

Because there's a lot of other dolls on your shelves.

And if you play with the other dolls,

you can't have that doll anymore.

Even though that doll doesn't really

want to play with you at this point.

You're both living a lie!

There's other dolls you like,

and they're making new dolls every year.

You want a stewardess doll?

Yeah.

What about a slightly overweight cocktail waitress doll?

Yeah.

What about a doll who happens to be

best friends with your main doll?

Yeah.

- It could happen, right? - Yeah.

What about a doll you only play with one day and never see again?

Yeah!

What about a doll where your friend's playing with the doll,

and he needs you to kind of man up with the other doll.

You don't even want to play with that doll,

but you do it because your friend's playing with that doll.

You don't wanna sit there and leave the other doll unattended.

Yeah.

So that's why me and Mom are getting divorced.

Monogamy isn't realistic!

Monogamy isn't realistic!

Again!

Monogamy isn't realistic.

Again!

I never do this. This is so weird for me.

I really like these ones.

Oh, no!

- Shit! That's your dick? - Uh-huh!

Too big! Your dick doesn't end.

Why doesn't your dick end?

Have you ever fucked someone before?

Where is she buried?

That looks like the whole cast of Game of Thrones.

Come here.

You know what?

I'm, like, really shy, Uh-huh.

So we should probably do this first

so I feel comfortable with you.

Yeah, all right.

A little warm-up. I know. Yeah, a little warm-up.

You taste like mango.

Just stop talking, okay? Just, like...

Just do the alphabet.

Just hang up at the top.

Everything important is up at the top.

Yeah, that's good.

Okay.

Hey, you like that, right?

Amy?

Hey.

I think it's my turn, baby.

Amy, seriously, my turn.

Muffin, remember you said you were gonna...

Okay.

Hey, guys, I'm Amy. Don't judge me, fuckers!

I'm just a sexual girl, okay?

I am fine. I am in control.

This is clearly not my first rodeo.

The key is to never ever let them sleep over.

I got a couple of ticks to The Black Keys,

Thursday, if you want... Ooh...

Thanks. Bye!

All right, good night.

All right, bye. Good night.

Oh...

I guess I do love pussy.

Look, I have a great job and my apartment is sick,

and my friends and family are awesome,

and I'm sort of seeing someone.

This dude is not him.

This guy is who I'm seeing. Kind of.

He's hot, right?

He is great, but it is like fucking an ice sculpture.

Okay, so I broke the sleepover rule.

Where am I?

Scarface poster. Ugh!

Please don't be a dorm room. Please don't be a dorm room.

There she is. Buenos dias, baby.

Oh, my God!

You look like an angel.

What time is it?

It's like 7:30 in the morning.

I didn't know if I should let you sleep or not.

Or make you breakfast.

I chose breakfast.

Where am I?

Oh, you're in Staten Island, sugar!

What?

Fuck!

Hey, so when do you think I'm gonna see you again?

Soon. Like, really, really soon.

Hey, hey, hey. You don't gotta rush off.

Oh.

My God, you're stunning.

Thank you.

Hey, so Saturday...

Saturday, my aunt is getting married, and she's having a little barbecue beforehand,

and I would love it if you were my date, baby.

Like, if I walked in with you? Oh, my God.

Johnny would be like, "Yo! Oli, what's up, kid?

Like, "Who's that piece?" You know? "She's bodied down."

Right, I don't know what that means, but, like, I can't do that because, like,

you and I won't ever see each other again.

I didn't think you were gonna, like, follow up so quick about hanging out,

but this is it for us.

- Well, but... - Our journey's over.

- I could just say I'd see ya... - Till Saturday.

Our journey's over now because I probably won't see you,

because I gotta get to work, and you gotta go be foine as hell.

Okay, bye. I got Bikram yoga, so...

Hey, you can say whatever you want, baby, but hips don't lie.

Hey, check your Twitter, I might direct message you.

Might DM.

Yes, sir!

Yes, sir!

What's up, buddy? Help me out, dude. Come on.

Noam, watch out. Good morning.

On! Amy!

There she is, my princess.

What happened? Did church let out early?

Ha-ha.

Hey! Amy, where are you going?

This isn't Planned Parenthood.

Oh, my God. Shut up!

You have to tell me everything about last night.

I went on your Instagram. That guy is like, so hot.

He looks kind of like a white Drake. No.

He was like a Puerto Rican Gollum.

I'm not talking about it.

- Do you have to pee? - Yeah, totally.

Did you hear Johnny Depp is coming into the office today?

Oh, yeah. I'm all over that.

Which version of Johnny Depp

would you most wanna have sex with?

Which one does it for you the most?

Because I can't stop thinking about it.

For me, it's Pirates of the Caribbean.

I love a fully made up, long hair,

almost feminine-looking Johnny Depp.

Not almost. He looks like a beautiful woman in that movie.

Yeah. Who would be yours?

I'm thinking, like, an Edward Scissorhands Johnny Depp.

You would get totally cut up.

Yeah, but he'd feel so bad about it

that he'd be like, "I'll never leave you."

And I would get, like, a sick haircut.

Yeah. Yeah.

But also, guess what? Willy Wonka, bring it on.

Oh, my God, totally. Right?

Yeah. I would fuck the shit

out of Willy Wonka, Johnny Depp.

Okay, my babes, I want your undivided.

I've been looking at your pitches

and these are my thoughts.

Nikki.

Why are you smiling?

I'm not smiling, I'm just very nervous.

Stop smiling. Stop smiling.

That's even more. Nikki.

The more nervous I get, the more I smile, so...

Stop smiling.

Stop it. Stop it.

Nikki, shut it down. Come on. Bring it down, bring it down.

That's it.

I'm sick of your ginger nonsense.

I don't wanna see those gnashers. No.

Stop it. What's this?

That's our new intern, Donald.

I thought we were getting a chick, but he's here.

Okay. Welcome, Donald.

Welcome to S'nuff where we are teaching the strong-willed man

how to dress, think, eat, fuck.

Do you like the magazine, Donald?

- Oh, yeah, it's pretty much all I read. - Good answer.

Look, this is ours. This is ours. Right? We made this.

What's our demographic?

Every-fucking-one.