The Sad Sack

ACKNOWLEDGMENT is hereby gratefully made to the United States Army and Air Force

without whose cooperation, deep understanding, and sense of humor this picture could never have been made.

Hey, fellas.

There's a couple of seats right here.

There he was. Clear-eyed, pink-cheeked,

open-faced.

The boy next door.

The kind of a man you want your sister to marry.

The last guy in the world you'd suspect of being

the kiss of death.

- Thanks, bud. - That's okay.

- You guys goin' back to Calhoun, too, huh? - Yeah.

Did you have a nice time with your three-day pass

in New Orleans? I bet it was pretty tough

leavin' that redhead, huh?

You been tailin' us?

No, just simple deductive reasoning,

that's all.

There's a three-day pass in his pocket,

and you didn't get that red hair here

from shakin' hands with her. (LAUGHING)

Hey, this guy's got brains.

A brain. That's a good thing to have.

I'm Wenaslawsky, this is Dolan.

Hi, chum.

Hi, chum. Hi. Well, would you guys

like to kill some time?

I got some reading matter here.

Just out.

Yeah? What do you got?

I'm on the War Department mailing list.

Yeah?

Small Arms Fire in the Mechanized Platoon.

Establishing Beachhead with Air Support.

I think you'll like this one.

Field Sanitation, Digging and Maintenance.

With pictures?

Oh, yeah, lots of 'em.

Now, this one is just out. You'll like this.

And I learned it all by heart.

Long Range Weapons, Radar Controlled.

You memorized that?

Sure, I did. Would you care to check me?

You memorized it, huh?

Yeah, I learned it all by heart.

Recite me the final wiring assembly

for the firing mechanism

on the R-2 rapid-fire cannon.

"The R-2. To complete the firing mechanism

"on the R-2 rapid-fire cannon,

"connect the wiring assembly in the following order.

"F-7 to B-5, T-12 to C-4,

"M-6 to P-13, A-16 to D-21, D-21..."

Okay, okay, okay!

We'll skip a couple of pages and go to the last line.

"Double-S 005 to Double-S 006,

which completes the assembly."

- Right? - Right.

Now, in the next paragraph,

you'll find there's a very interesting...

Okay, okay, soldier. Take 10. We're beat.

Oh, okay. Well, why don't you guys

take a little snooze, and I'll wake you up when we get to Calhoun.

Here, why don't you get comfortable?

Put your feet up here.

Go ahead, get comfortable.

Just put your feet up.

- Oh, Dolan. - Yeah?

I'll be very quiet when I turn the pages.

Thanks.

Hmm.

Oh, would you like some hot milk?

- Huh? - From the diner.

Hot milk always makes me sleep.

We were asleep.

You woke us up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But now that you're awake, would you like some hot milk?

All we want is quiet!

Shh!

Tickets! Tickets!

Shh!

Tickets!

Coffee?

What happened?

Well, the light was in your eyes,

and I got up there to fix it, see?

- Why, you... - I stepped up...

Well, wait a minute. I was just...

Now, you stay there!

Hey, what time is it?

A little after 6:00.

I thought we were due in Calhoun at 4:15.

Oh, we were there, and right on time.

- We were there? - Yeah.

Memphis! Memphis!

Memphis? What is this?

Why didn't you wake us up?

Well, I thought you guys were still mad at me,

and you were sleepin' so peacefully...

Why, I ought to...

We both ought to, but he's government property.

Memphis! Next stop, Memphis!

(FLUSTERED) Wa-wait.

Wait a second.

Wa-wait.

But Major, what makes this man Bixby so important?

Oh, it's not Bixby himself, sir,

it's... It's really more what Bixby represents.

You see, each year there are thousands of Bixbys

inducted into the army.

Left-footers who are always out of step

with our training program.

You do agree that it's a serious problem,

don't you, sir?

Oh, was I staring?

You'll have to forgive me.

You're quite a departure

from the usual run of majors.

General Vanderlip,

I happen to hold my master's degree

in social science.

At the time that I was offered my commission,

I also happened to be senior consultant

at the Manhattan Institute for Psychological Research.

I don't doubt your qualifications.

Thank you, sir.

- And now, about Bixby. - Cigarette?

No, thank you.

If you'll notice, this graph represents

the last 17 months

of Private Bixby's service record.

A steadily declining pattern, as you can see.

That's because Private Bixby

was at first in the Field Artillery.

He was then transferred to the Signal Corps,

and from there he was transferred again

to a tank battalion.

However, when he lost a tank, we decided...

Lost a tank?

Yes, sir. He, um, he was sent out one day

to camouflage it, and... we never found it again.

And so the tankers transferred him to the infantry.

Yes, sir. Fort MacArthur.

And this part will amaze you.

Well, you can see here,

there's a definite rise in the graph.

That's because Private Bixby demonstrated

an unbelievable mechanical aptitude.

General, Private Bixby single-handedly reassembled

a rapid-fire remote control anti-tank cannon.

Lost a tank.

And this sudden drop?

He didn't know it was loaded.

Blew up two garbage trucks in the center of Los Angeles, 30 miles away.

Apparently this Bixby is quite a sad sack.

Yes, sir, he... He is that, indeed.

Well, you see, that's why Washington has selected him

for this psychological experiment.

General, there'll always be a Bixby.

But we feel that if we can make a soldier

out of a man with... with that kind of record,

well, it'll pave the way for the Bixbys of tomorrow.

Yes?

This is the information you wanted, sir.

Company B of the 345th battalion

has the best training record.

According to its commanding officer,

his best potential squad leader is Corporal Dolan.

With your permission, sir,

I'd like to speak to the corporal.

I'll have him report immediately, sir.

Excuse me, is Major Shelton here?

Soldier, come here. What do you want?

Uh, I'm Private Bixby.

I was told to report to Major Shelton. Is he in?

Yes, she's in.

Right through that door.

Thank... She's in?

Yes, right through the door.

No, I was told to report to Major Shelton.

That's right. She's right in there.

She's...

Well?

Pri-Private Bixby.

Oh, Private Bixby.

Of course. I've been waiting for you.

Oh, thank you.