Weeds

Previously on Weeds:

call for evacuation in lower Majestic.

All evacuees are welcome here to the Summer Canyon Recreation Center.

Where there's fire People like to smoke

Okay, we need to be leaving. I smell smoke.

I'm opening up a club. Heylia's Compassionate Care.

Nancy, if it all burns down, what are you gonna do?

I guess I'd have to go.

Agrestic... Shit. Majestic police.

Clear out. The fire's up the block, and it's moving fast.

Holy shit.

That house belongs to Celia.

Because she was my lover.

And it was good.

So you buy her a house...

and I assume you're fucking her in said house.

She of the magical, house-earning pussy.

- Celia Hodes? - Yeah?

Nancy Botwin.

I just got a call from Guillermo, and I need to go meet him.

No. You need to stop hanging out with bad people.

The man set a town on fire.

I could use you.

I'm not selling for you.

- I'm nobody's bitch anymore. - We take you off the sales floor.

That's for the little people. Navigator. I get stuck in traffic a lot.

Traffic?

Do you have some sort of a plan?

I'm working on it.

Am I under arrest? All right, how long is this gonna take?

Why don't I ask my questions, and then we can get to yours?

Well, could you turn down the air conditioning?

I am in a sundress.

- Can I have a Diet Coke? - Again with the questions.

I'm starting to see what did it for Groff. He never had to get on top.

- I beg your pardon? - How tall are you, like 5'8"?

Shouldn't you be asking questions about drug things?

Okay. Was sex like a drug to you?

I don't know what he told you, but Sullivan Groff is a lying piece of shit.

So you never had a sexual relationship with him?

A sexual relationship that resulted in his giving you a house.

A house which was later used for the growing...

and cultivation of marijuana.

That house was never in my name. I was just living there.

Then my idiot ex-husband had an accident...

and I saw an opportunity to make some money...

by renting it out to someone I thought was a friend.

What she did with it has nothing to do with me.

You should be questioning Nancy Botwin.

Did a bird just crap on my head?

No.

What is with all the birds?

Shane, you should use the bathroom before we get back in the car.

- Can I ride with Uncle Andy? - Didn't you like listening to Radiolab?

Best bathroom graffiti ever. At least in the top 10.

Here I sit

Cheeks a-flexin'

Giving birth to a baby Texan

I think that's offensive to Texans.

- Only the baby ones. - Shane wants to ride with you.

Oh, sorry, buddy, the plasma's riding shotgun.

Please tell me you washed your hands.

Mom's car smells like gas. It's giving me a headache.

My car smells like gas?

I don't think it's the car.

No, it's your mother.

- She smells like gas. - L don't smell anything.

- You smell like gas. - Must've spilled when I was pumping.

We haven't stopped at a gas station.

Do we know where we're going, or are we just driving around randomly?

- We're on the run, aren't we? - These are solid questions.

- We're going to Ren Mar. - What? Whoa, what?

- Ren Mar? Back up. - Yeah, moving forward.

We're going to see Bubbie.

- Bubbie? - Doesn't Bubbie hate you?

She just hates that I'm not Jewish. It's not personal.

No, I think she hates you too.

Well, she loves her great-grandchildren.

I've only met her twice, and once was at Dad's funeral.

She kept calling me "gooshey purim,” or something.

"Goyishe punim.” That's, "You got face like a goy."

She's family. She lives by the beach. That's the plan.

Let's get back on the road. Shane, you sure you don't need to pee...

or birth a Texan before we go?

- No. - Hey, can I go with you?

- Mom's car smells like gas. - How am I not smelling it?

Never mind. I'll drive the van.

The three of you can take the Prius.

All right? Will that make everyone happy?

Flying flu bag.

I hate birds.

Dad once told me Bubbie killed the neighbor's dog.

- No one could ever prove that. - What's she like?

Oh, she's great, actually, and a bitch, but in a great, tough-cookie way.

Old people creep me out.

Okay, fine. I spilled gas on myself when I was pouring it on the furniture.

What? Yes.

I set the house on fire.

Okay? It's done. It's gone.

I'm sure the real fire would've gotten to it anyway. I just wanted to make sure.

It's time to move on...

S0 let's move on.

Questions answered.

Mystery solved.

And there were growers. Heylia and Conrad.

I don't know their last names, but they were black.

And the gay Indian kid and the Christian girl.

You seem to know a whole lot about the operation for a landlady.

I'm telling you, you want Nancy Botwin, not me.

How do you know what I want? I'm full of surprises.

I have a parasitic twin growing out of my stomach.

Seriously?

You'll have to get me naked to know for sure.

Are you trying to flirt with me? Is that what this is?

- That's pathetic. - That is?

You're the "drugs are wrong" lady, and you were running a grow house.

I got a picture here of you with Sasquatch.

You like costume play?

I wanna go home.

The one with the pot plants, or the one with the injured, idiot ex-husband?

Whichever one hasn't burned down.

Very good point. You could be homeless for all we know.

Thank goodness you have a place to sleep for the night.

- What do you mean? - I'm gonna keep you for a while.

Check out your story.

I'll have someone bring you a pop and a sweater.

- Diet Coke. - No, princess.

Diet Shasta, in a can, room temperature, no straw.

Say thank you.

- Fuck you. I haven't done anything. - We'll see.

I want a lawyer.

Are you looking? I'm about to do the spinny-spin.

Yeah, I'm looking. One second.

Wait, that wasn't it. Hold on. It's gonna be really good.

What the hell happened to you? I've been sitting here, calling.

Sorry about that. My phone battery conked out around Oceanside.

Mine was on mute.

My phone was fine, but I've been ignoring your calls.

I'm mad at you for burning our house down without thinking...

maybe some of us would've liked to go back and get a few more things out.

Stuff, Shane. All replaceable.

We've got the computer. We've got the photo album.

- You got the photo album? - Yes, of course I did. Think I forgot?

Well, did you get that box of loose pictures from the garage?

I did. It's in the back of the van.

Well, then...

good.

I'll answer your call next time.

This house looks cool.

Well, good.

There's an amazing German deli in Carlsbad.

I brought you zwiebelbraten with spaetzle.

You might wanna heat it up.

- You're an asshole. - Fine, I'll eat it.

So no one's home?

I wouldn't say that. Some giant killer dog is home. I rang the bell.

It barked like it was gonna lunge through a window and bite my head off.

- Bubbie hates dogs. - I think she's gotten over it.

- Where are we gonna sleep? - Maybe she's taking a walk.

Bubbie was always a big walker.

Why would you go walking without your dog?

- I'm telling you, she hates dogs. - She doesn't really have a dog.

That's Rad.

That's his name. Rad.

He's 10, and he's read the whole Narnia series.

And now he's moved on to His Dark Materials...

and he likes it so far.

His parents are divorced and he wants to be an inventor and a robot builder.

Favorite color is green. Favorite animal is the Komodo dragon...

which can eat up to 80 percent of its weight. He thinks dodge ball is gay.

That's how long I've been sitting here waiting for you guys.

- And Bubbie definitely has a dog. - No, it's the doorbell.

- Her doorbell barks? - Yeah.

Check it out.

- See? I do it all the time. - I'll bet she loves that.

- You couldn't have told me earlier? - You didn't ask.

She's probably in there. She never comes out.

My mom won't let me trick-or-treat here on Halloween.

I know how to get in.

Used to do it all the time when we were kids.

- How? - None of your business.

If Shane's too heavy to heave up to the pergola, you might find out. Let's do it.

Wow, the ocean's like a block away.

It's nice, isn't it?

Think it could be good.

Whenever I swim in the ocean, I get a really sick rash.

- Good to know. - I'll buy you a wet suit.

All right, he's in.

We can't stay here.

Attention, evacuees. More blankets...

Check it out. It's snowing in SoCal.

Except they're warm snowflakes.

Tastes like loss.

And muffins.

- Mine tastes like a vinyl sofa. - When FEMA gives us hotel vouchers...

do you wanna combine them and get, like, a ginormous suite?

- A sweet suite? A dude suite? - A dude suite with Isabelle.

Okay, well, she's almost a dude.

I'm not ready to make that judgment until she's past puberty.

Well, either way, she's cool. She can hang with us.