The Big Green

I still don't see why we just don't eat the Cheetos?

Because this is like an annual thing that we do every week

- once we get our allowance. - But I'm hungry.

You ate breakfast.

OK, but I'm still hungry.

We'll get you something later.

Hit the dirt.

Do the honors.

All right, guys. Be still. And no Cheeto fights this week, all right?

- Come on, just dump the bag! - Just dump the bag, dodo brain.

- Beautiful! - Save some for yourself.

OK, that's it.

Why are you guys always picking on me?

Everybody get Evan!

- All right. They're coming now. - They won't come if you're not still.

Who farted?

Here they come!

Oh, one of 'em just pooped on me.

Oh, man!

Oh! Oh, man!

I mean, this could be bad for our health. I think I'm getting a fever.

Oh, my God!

Aah!

Get 'em off!

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were in trouble.

- So you hosed us? - No, actually, I was trying to help.

Well, thanks.

I'm so sorry. What on earth were you doing?

Feeding the birds.

- There's not much to do in Elma. - Oh.

- Who are you anyway? - I'm the new teacher.

No way!

I'm here from England for a semester on a teaching exchange.

- I guess they didn't tell you. - Nobody tells us anything.

- There's two classes. Little kids... - And big kids.

- Oh, I'm teaching the big kids. - No way!

My name is Anna Montgomery. I'm from England

and I will be your teacher for the first half of the school year.

Uh, before you get all sweaty, don't waste your time with us. We're losers.

You're not losers.

Yeah, we are. You just don't know us very good.

Didn't anybody tell you?

We had the worst test scores in the state.

So you all had a bad test day.

Four years in a row we had bad test days?

Let's all get to know each other, shall we?

Someone tell me something that makes you feel special.

Why?

Right. I, uh...

I believe that you're all special because you live here in America.

And America is a place where you can be anything you want to be.

I think that was before Reaganomics, ma'am.

I look out here today and I see ten special faces.

That'll change once you get used to us.

Let's think of this a different way, shall we?

What makes you different from the kid sitting next to you?

- We have asthma! - That's different.

All right. All right, guys, um...

What about the rest of you, huh? What makes you different?

Yes. Tak.

- Well, I can burp the whole ABCs. - Well, that's a skill, isn't it?

- OK, all right. - Larry, your burps stink.

Larry, what makes you special?

- My dad has a job. - Yeah, that's very special for this town.

Yes, I suppose so.

Kate... What about you?

My parents are divorced. Thanks for bringing it up.

Shut up!

- What's that? - First recess!

We've only just got here. We have another hour.

Hello! Come back!

How many times do I have to tell you to keep away from my car!

How many times have you told us today, Deputy Dawg!

Go on, go on. Move it, move it, move it! Move it, baby!

Come on, come on, off the car. Out of my way, I got things to do.

Hey, you may think you know everything, but here's a news flash.

Something radical finally happened in this town.

Nothing radical ever happens in this town.

- Wrong! - Yeah. We met our new teacher.

- You get a new teacher every year. - But this one's different, Deputy Dawg.

Really different!

- Oh, guys, let's go. - Bye, Deputy Dawg!

? Well. L"m hopin" and I"m prayin" and I"m searchin" and I"m lookin"

? A nd I'm deatln' and I'm thlnmkln'

? That it"s just a matter of time before you"re a pearl

? And I"m gonna getcha. My little old girl.

Bingo! That's a code red.

Excuse me, ma'am. Deputy Sheriff Tom Palmer, Lane County.

We got an APB outta Austin. Bank robbers headed this way.

Driving a Chevy. You seen 'em?

Only car I've seen is yours, Sheriff Tom Palmer.

You can call me Tom.

You can call me Anna Montgomery, Sheriff Tom.

- Oh, no, you can drop that sheriff part. - Right. Sorry, can't help you.

- Where are you from? - Surrey, England.

Oh, I'm planning a trip to England real soon.

Been very interested in English things.

And I've always been very interested in America.

Not a whole lot worth seeing around here.

Of course, there are a few local points of interest.

Elma Armadillos was at one time a football powerhouse,

- back in the days when I played. - Like she cares!

Oh, the children are so cute, aren't they?

- See ya, Deputy Dawg! - Anyways, as I was saying...

This town at one time was a football dynasty.

There's a billboard off of Main Street, documents some of the achievements.

You might want to take a look at it. That's me on the left side.

Of course, big twister last year took off the top of my head,

but you can still see the resemblance if you're coming in on Route 49.

- Kind of like... But with... you know. - Uh-huh.

Aren't you worried about those bank robbers, Sheriff Tom?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta get on that.

Welcome to America.

"Welcome to America"?

The car kinda acts funny sometimes. Bye.

Well, I think she likes me.

OK.

Stop it. You're supposed to read it.

Kate, tell her to turn this thing on.

- My dad wants gas. - Sorry, Kate.

- Brenda, get this thing going! - Yeah.

What is your problem?

My problem is you owe me too much money for any more gas to go in this truck.

I'll pay. I don't have the money now.

- What? - I said, I just don't have it right now!

You won't have it tomorrow or the next day.

- I gotta draw the line, Ed. - So I'm a little short on cash.

I mean, big deal. Maybe you haven't heard, but the factory closed.

Yeah, and Darius hasn't worked a day since.

How dare you act like I don't know what the plant's closing means.

And how come you're willing to turn against your own kind, huh?

- I mean, people who are hurting. - Look...

I got my own bills to pay, Ed. I got my own mouths to feed.

Oh! All my beautiful stuff. Days of collecting!

Aw, little kids' class has show-and-tell again?

Right. Kate, would you like to come and show the class

where Columbus first landed in the New World?

- You mean get up? - Yes.

I don't get up for anybody.

Right.

- Excuse me. May I come in? - Of course. Please.

Miss Montgomery, class.

Class!

I said, class!

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Um, this young man is Ju-an Morales.

And he's new in our town and will be joining your class.

Howdy, Ju-an.

Welcome to Elma, Ju-an.

- Hello, Ju-an. Miss Montgomery. - It's Juan.

Juan. You may take a seat.

- Don't trip. - Hey, Ju-an.

Class, let's all make our new student feel at home, shall we?

Pull up a cot and get a pillow. We're in the middle of geology.

- That's geography, Larry. - Whatever. Same thing.

Right. Can we all please focus our attention up here.

Juan, we're learning world geography.

Can someone please tell me what's wrong with this globe?

- You just broke it. - Yes, that's true, but

since you all have absolutely no interest in learning anything about anything

I'm talking about, such as this globe...

Well, why don't we just try something else with it?

- Man, where'd you learn to do that? - Prison!

- Ow! - What?

Well, that's a joke, isn't it?

Um, I learned it in school in England, which is another country far from Texas.

I have another idea. Do you want to follow me?

Oops!

Whatever.

- Here we have it. A football. - I don't think so.

I think it's Mrs. Curdley's old kickball, ma'am.

No, no, it's a ball. And if we use it as a football, it becomes a football.

No, ma'am. Footballs aren't round. They're more shaped like a lemon.

Oh. Well, that's right. What I call football, you call soccer, so...

This is a soccer ball.

- We don't play soccer. - Yeah, it's for foreigners.

- I'm a foreigner. - Well, we're American.

- And we don't like soccer. - Let's go outside.

- Isn't it time to go home? - Whatever.

Right, that's the bell. What do you say we all stay and have a practice?

- Let's just stay. - Juan, where are you going?

We need you. Don't you want to try?

We don't need him. Let him go.

So let's have a practice, shall we?

Give it a kick.

Hold up there, youngsters!

Good thing I happen to be in the area, ma'am.

Cars come whizzing down this street like there's no tomorrow.

I haven't seen a car pass all day, Sheriff Tom, except for yours.

- Five times! - Just doing my job, ma'am.

- Deputy Dawg's in love! - Deputy Dawg's in love!

All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. Zip it, midgets!

I'm just fooling with you. I'm just fooling, I never talk like that to you.

- Anyway, what you doing? - We're playing football.

- Football? - Yeah.

- This ain't football. I know football. - This is what the world calls football.

All right, guys, let's all get in a circle. Let's kick the ball backwards and forwards.

This is called passing.