Sarah Silverman: We Are Miracles

Hey, I like your knee socks.

They're not knee socks. They're fashion tights.

It's all one...

whatever. You wouldn't get it.

Yeah, I do. You mean they're opaque black up to the thigh,

sheer black up top.

Yeah, that's...

that's exactly right.

Yeah, I like it. I think it's hot.

Yeah, I like it too. I've just been really into, like,

wearing my thighs out lately. I feel like it's

sexualish and superpowery.

Mmm, you like that superpower sex, huh?

Yeah!

Yes, I see why you think that's funny.

Like in your world, that's probably really clever wordplay.

Could you guys buzz off? I'm trying to focus.

Focus on what? The wall?

"Focus on what? The wall?"

That's what you sound like.

No, I'm shooting a special here for HBO.

Maybe you've heard of it. It's kind of a big deal.

At Largo? That's, like, barely 300 seats.

Well, I'm actually doing it in the...

the littler room.

The little room?

That's like 50 seats.

39 with the fire marshal code.

Whatever!

Hey, you need to call your agent.

Can't be doing no HBO special for 39 people!

That's like super tiny.

It's called intimate, fuckface!

What's that, pot?

Mmm mmm. It's a bunch of stuff.

Hey, tell us a joke.

What do you call a car full of Mexicans?

What?

Pains in my ass...

...hole.

Please put your hands together for Miss Sarah Silverman.

Tell me I'm great.

What? Tell me I'm great! Tell me I'm great!

You're crazy-8.

Crazy great.

Oh.

I very rarely,

occasionally,

obsessively watch porn

on my phone.

And when I do, I integrate it into my nighttime rituals.

I wash my face.

I floss. I take a puff.

Then I brush.

Then I do my stretches.

Then I type in my search words.

Let me just say, my search words

are not anything I would want to happen in real life.

I don't know why they're my search words, but they are.

A great man once said,

"The heart wants what it wants."

So my search words are:

gangbang...

would not want that to happen in real life;

um, amateur...

'cause I don't like seeing, like, piercings and tattoos...

it takes me out of it;

cum...

which I would not have thought you had to put "cum."

I thought that was a given in pornography.

You have to put "cum."

If you don't, you might not get cum.

If anything, I would think you'd put non-cum

if you don't want cum.

And then there's one more. Oh, high-fives.

So...

I put my iPhone... I lean it against my water on my nightstand.

And...

I think I'm maybe the only person that watched this video

all the way till the end end end,

like when the video freezes.

It's, of course, a gangbang

and, you know, basically ends with

all the guys coming on the lady's face.

And...

I don't know why face was the quiet word there.

All the men come on the lady's

face.

And then right before the video freezes,

I heard a guy say to her,

"Hey, great job. I know you were sick."

You find humanity...

in the oddest of places.

So my mom was in the hospital and I visited her.

I don't need segues.

The brain doesn't work that way.

A train of thought bounces around from thing to thing.

But anyway, speaking of a whole bunch of men coming on a lady's face,

my mother's been sick.

And I visited her in the hospital

and she said, "It's weird, you know?"

There was this Jewish volunteer service that came by

and they were visiting the Jewish patients, which is nice,

but isn't that so, like, elitist?

Like what, do they, like, banana around the non-Jewish patients?

Like, "None for you."

But my mother's last name is O'Hara.

She married a John O'Hara.

And she said, "They visited me. Like, how they did know I was Jewish?"

And we looked into it and it turns out

they count how many times you press the call button.

I had a, um... you ever have a memory

and you... that you haven't had since the event happened?

You know what I mean? It's so crazy.

I had this memory of being like three

and I would shower with my mother.

And, like, my mom's...

okay, my mom got her water from the showerhead,

like that's where she would get her water

with which to cleanse herself.

That water would then

cascade down her ample bosom

and, like,

pike off of her '70s Jew bush...

that was my water.

And that's the thing, it was a happy memory.

I associate it with happy.

I don't know why. Like, it was my very own curly shower

or something.

Maybe because we didn't need words.

You know, it wasn't like she was like, "You get your water from my pubes," you know.

We didn't need any of that. It was like I was...

I was like a native

that knew you could get water from this leaf or something.

It was very...

animalistic.

I was a bedwetter well into my teens.

And when you're a bedwetter,

there's only one group of people you can feel better than:

bedshitters.

And unfortunately they're hard to come by.

You know?

I love this... The HBO 39.

But I grew up in New Hampshire,

and there are not many Jews in New Hampshire.

And we... we weren't really raised with any religion.

We were just Jewish in that it oozed out of our pores, you know.

Um, but I didn't feel so different

until maybe like around third grade.

Kids started blaming me

for my people killing Jesus.

I remember even then thinking,

"It's not like we killed baby Jesus."

I mean, the man, like...

He had quite a run.

He was 33.

33 is young. If someone dies now at 33, it's terrible.

But I mean, back then, in the olden oldie-timey times...

33 was like elderly.

33... dying at 33 was like he had a full life, you know.

And by the way, you're welcome.

If we had not killed him, he wouldn't even be famous.

You know, and nothing seems crazy when you're used to it.

There's so much crazy shit everywhere.

We're used to it. And everything seems crazy when you're not used to it.

That's why so many comics make fun of Scientology, right?

Because like... well, because it's a batshit crazy religion,

but it's no more batshit crazy

than, like, every single religion.

It's just new, you know.

Christianity is super old, but it's fucking crazy.

I mean, it's... you're born a sinner.

By being born, you are a sinner

and you're going to hell.

But you can just apologize and then you can go to heaven.

No big deal.

If you're a murderer...

same thing, it's just apologize and go to heaven.

You can be Hitler

and go to confession and say, "Forgive me, Father,

I killed six million Jews." And the priest would just be like,

"No problem. Say 10 'Heil' Marys."

And Hitler goes to heaven.

Hitler goes to heaven...

is the name of my band.

Scientology is weird because it's new.

It's... it feels weird in our ear holes

to hear people worshipping a guy named Ron.

We know Rons in our life.

He had to change his name to "L. Ron"

because there was another Ron Hubbard in the Writer's Guild.

That's how recent a religion it is.

And people who follow their religion to the letter of the law

are just silly.

I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews,

"I promise you, God will not mind

if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer.

You're being fucking ridiculous!"

But we live in the greatest country in the world.

A country where we have freedom of religion