The Wrong Missy

Terrific.

Oh, my...

Excuse me. Hi.

Whoa!

Wow. I-I didn't realize...

I'm sorry. Tim. Nice to see you.

Uh, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to steal her away now.

You look great.

And good news, our table's ready now, so we can...

What the hell do you think you're doing, bro? She's with me.

Sir, I appreciate you keeping her company, but she's actually not with you.

She's with me.

Believe me. You don't want to make me cause a scene.

You're gonna cause a scene?

I might...

summon one of the managers. Sure.

- - No.

I don't know what you been smoking,

but you better back off my wife, or I'm gonna punch a hole in your face.

- Your...? - Timothy?

Is that you?

Uh-oh. My bad. I was at the other side of the bar.

Ooh! I'm actually his date.

- - Melissa?

Everybody calls me Missy.

Sorry about the mix-up.

Just a little blind-date blunder.

But what would you two know about making a mistake, right?

Okay. Let's go.

I got you so good!

Wait. Wait. You did that on purpose? Why?

Best blind-date ice-breaker ever!

Ice-breaker? The guy almost broke every bone in my body.

Yeah, it worked, didn't it? We're loose. We're laughing.

We're having fun.

Oh, my God! That was so funny.

You know what the best part is? You passed the test.

What test?

The testicle test. You showed some real nuts back there.

I'm impressed, babe.

It was cute. Real good.

By the way, the age thing doesn't concern me. What are you, 65?

What the fuck?

I know that's a blond wig, and I don't care.

Timothy, I would like to present you with the first impression rose.

- -

You've earned it. Boop!

- You know, from The Bachelor. You know. - I got it.

- Hi. Can I start you two with anything? - Oh, yeah.

Let's have two tequilas, please, señorita.

Actually, I don't drink,

so I'm gonna probably just go with a soda water.

Whatever you have is fine.

What?

Okay.

First chink in the armor. Mr. Perfect's not so perfect.

But we'll fix him.

So I know... I know how to handle an alcoholic.

I'm... I'm not an alcoholic.

What, just a couple DUI's?

- No! - "I'm not an alcoholic, sir, I swear."

- Never. - You a lightweight?

- No. - Did you piss on your friend's couch?

- No. - Make out at truck stops?

No. I just don't drink. It's not that weird.

Here's the thing. People who don't drink, they always have a story.

- I don't. Sorry to disappoint you. - You don't disappoint me.

Nothing you could do would disappoint me. I love you.

Wow.

This, us, it feels like fate. Doesn't it?

Wha... How did you meet my grandmother again?

- Jiffy Lube. Yeah. - Oh.

She's like, "My grandson would be so perfect for you."

I'm like, "Sign me up!" So, yeah.

I have to visit her more often and possibly smother her.

- You're getting... - Oh, am I?

- Your hair is getting in... - Oh, am I?

- Do you want to get a napkin? - Eh-eh-eh-eh.

I don't think that's sanitary.

Uh...

I hope I'm not freaking you out on our first date. I...

Well, I have to tell you, I probably have never been...

- Stop eye-fucking me! - I'm not. I'm just talking to you.

I'm with someone!

We're trying to have a romantic dinner date here!

What do you think we're trying to have, huh? Until you assholes interrupted us!

Hey, my boyfriend's gonna kick your fucking ass!

No, he's not. I'm going to the restroom.

- Real quick. I'll be back. - Okay.

Right after he gets back, he's kicking your ass.

Shit!

Tim?

Shit!

What you doing?

Hey, you.

Um...

Good. I'm...

You got me.

I was climbing out the window to run around,

and I was gonna come back in and sneak up on you.

God, we are funny together.

Are we?

That said, we have to leave the restaurant right now.

Wh-Why? What happened?

When you went to the bathroom, Aquaman started mouthing off again.

So, I...

I sort of flashed him.

You flashed him your breasts?

No, I didn't flash him my breasts. I showed him Sheila.

Wh... Like, your Sheila?

No. My friend, my protector, Sheila.

Gah! What are you, Crocodile Dundee?

What? It's a blind date. What if you were some psycho?

Then I could behead you. Hmm.

Any way you could give me a couple minutes in here?

You do have to go to the bathroom now.

- Yeah. - Yeah. I get it.

When I'm dropping a deuce, I don't want anyone talking to me, so...

- Have a good shit, my man. - Thank you.

Maybe I'll take a shit, too.

Mmm, don't have to.

Eh, you never know. I'll push.

See you in a bit.

- -

I'm coming, Tim! I'm coming!

I bet you wish you had that tequila now, huh, Tim?

All right, I gotta pop this puppy back into place ASAP.

- No! - Yeah. Don't worry. I'm a certified EMT.

- No, no, no! - One.

- No, no! - Two.

- Three! -

- Four! -

- Yeah. - Hey, dude.

Okay. Good news, bad news.

First casualty of the merger. Hanrahan got the axe.

Ooh. Is that the good news or the bad news?

Okay. So, I guess it's good news and good news,

because you're on the short list to replace him.

And I mean short list because you're short.

I'm just kidding.

Ah, shit! I just remembered the bad news.

It's down to you and "The Barracuda."

Oh, fuck. Where'd you hear that?

I'm the head of HR. I have access.

Like, what?

And I'm glad you're seeing a shrink. That's great.

You don't want people to see your stuff, use your personal email.

Ah, fuck. So it's good news, bad news, more bad news.

Your ex-fiancée is gonna be at the retreat.

My office books the travel, so Julia's gonna be with Rich.

Well, from what I saw, all spouses and significant others are welcome, so...

It doesn't surprise me.

Tim, I'm just concerned.

You're concerned about what? I gotta go.

I'm concerned about this. Look at your screen saver.

That's your ex-fiancée.

That's insane, Tim.

Why are you ordering Grubhub seven days a week?

Because I'm hungry.

And did you really watch seven episodes of The Affair last night?

That was my personal computer. What the fuck! You're on everything?

Don't use the same password

from your corporate account to your personal account.

That's on you.

Dude, come on. It's been three months since you went out with that crazy fuck.

It was one date.

The walking boots off,

running shoes on.

Run to a vagina.

I'm not gonna go through all that shit again.

Fuck that girl, fuck my grandma, and fuck you.

- I'm off to Newark. - What?

If Miss Right is out there, she can find me. I'm a hello away.

Is that a line from The Affair?

Yes, it is.

- Oh. - Oh, shit.

- Oh. - Oh. I'm sorry.

Here. Yeah. No.

Here. Here.

Thanks.

Jesus.

Fuck.

Hey.

Here you go.