Amityville Shark House

- Rich, you got any plans for this weekend?

- You know want I'm gonna do? I'm gonna stay home, chill out,

watch some DVDs and Blu-rays.

You know, after the week I've had, I deserve it.

I deserve a little break.

You need to go get laid, man.

- You know, Allen, will you quit acting

like you know everything about me and my personal life?

Especially my sex life,

you don't know one fucking thing about me.

You don't know what I do when I leave this place.

All you know is the me here.

You don't know the me when I leave.

You know nothing about me.

You know nothing about what I do.

And I get laid all the time, Allen, all the time.

Hey, what about you and Sheri?

What about her, Allen?

- Didn't you and her make out last year

at the Christmas party?

- Yeah, we did, and it was glorious.

It was probably the greatest makeout session

of my entire life and I'm pretty sure

it was probably the greatest makeout session of her entire

life, just so you know. Just so you know, FYI.

- So that's it, you just go and make out.

You're not gonna try and hit that shit?

- Allen, Sheri's not that kind of girl.

Not all girls are like that.

Not all girls are easy like the girls you get with,

because you know why they're easy?

'Cause you pay for 'em.

You take that money outta your pocket

and you pay for 'em, Allen, that's why you get 'em.

But Sheri, she's a good girl, she's a nice girl.

She's not like that, she doesn't do stuff like that.

- You remember that guy Chad that used to work here?

Yeah, what about him, Allen?

He said Sheri and Mr. Jones used

to work at the office all night long

and then show up the next day in the same car.

- That's absolute bullshit, Allen.

That's why that guy got fired from here.

That's why you don't see him working in here anymore.

Are you just trying to say stuff to upset me, Allen?

What are you doing?

Calm down, buddy.

If you don't try, I'm gonna give it a go.

She's really been checking me out a lot lately.

- You know why she's checking you out?

You are the weirdest person we have working here.

Not, not one of the weirdest, the weirdest.

You are weird with a capital W, Allen.

You are one weird fuck.

Hello?

Oh, oh, hey, Sheri.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be right there,

I'll be right there.

Get this, Mr. Jones?

He wants to see me in his office.

You're gonna get fired.

No, I'm not gonna get fired.

You know what I'm gonna get?

Probably a promotion.

No, I'm not gonna get fired, I'm gonna get a promotion.

Maybe I'll be his assistant.

Maybe I'll be working right under Mr. Jones.

- Unemployment. - Mm-hm.

- There's no other easier way of saying this.

I'm gonna have to let you go.

Why- why has it gotta be me?

What about Allen?

That guy's horrible, sir.

He's terrible, he's an idiot! - Richard,

Richard, okay, first of all, you know,

we're losing money here, so I gotta make the necessary cuts.

Listen, I will do anything.

I need this job, sir, I'll do anything-

Anything?

- Anything, you name it, you say it, I'll do it.

Anything.

- These four months I've been living outta my car.

I've been sleeping in a fucking car, sir.

- Think I might have something for you, this one house.

Alright.

- The Amityville House. - Oh.

- We haven't been able to give that place away.

You know, it has a history about it

and nobody wants to even touch it.

You heard about that devil-worshiping cult

that used to live there?

Lately, it's been run down with hippies and squatters.

- I promise you, sir, I will sell the house no matter what.

Listen, I will sell that house if it fucking kills me.

I'll sell that house if it is the last thing

I fucking do, okay?

I promise you!

This is your last chance-

- I'm gonna sell it, I'm gonna sell it. Don't worry don't worry.

Okay, don't fuck it up.

Sir, I'm gonna sell it.

Big wiener dance.

Sheri, I just got the Amityville House.

- Yes, I heard, congratulations, I'm so happy for you.

Come on dance with me.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

- I'm so happy for you. - I'm the big wiener!

So, you know, Sheri. - Yeah.

- Do you think maybe now you can finally,

after all this and my, you know, getting this house,

you'd finally consider going out on a date with me?

Oh, Rich, I- I don't know.

- And being my official girlfriend, my, my lady friend?

- Yeah, look, Rich, you are a nice guy.

And I'm kind of into like the bad boy.

Well, but I-I- I could be a bad boy.

(chuckles) No, Rich.

I could be Bad Rich.

I'm sorry.

But what about the kiss?

We had a- a great kiss at the party.

- We- we did have a great kiss, and that was so amazing.

I had such an amazing time getting drunk with you,

and I was really drunk.

But I'm really happy for you

and I think you're gonna do amazing.

Well, you know what, Sheri?

One of these days I'm gonna find a girl just like you

and I'm gonna get her and she's gonna be my girlfriend.

And you know what?

You're gonna wish you were my boyfriend.

- Sure, okay. - Just- just consid-

consider it, right? -I'll consider it, yes.

You got a, I have a chance.

Okay. - I'll consider it for you. Yes.

You guys are not gonna believe what I just got.

I just got the Amityville House.

Yes, the Amityville House, I got it.

- Bullshit. - No, not bullshit.

You know what, Allen?

Know what everybody?

I am sick and tired of all of you looking down on me,

making fun of me, giving me grief

about everything in my life.

For once, for once I have something good happening for me.

So don't you bring me down now, Allen.

I'm excited about this.

- Come on, calm down, I'm your friend.

- Shut the fuck up, Bruno, I am not talking to you.

I am talking to Allen, quiet.

First thing I'm gonna do, because I

know I'm gonna become the manager, or the assistant

manager, you're fired.

I'm gonna get you outta here so fast,

you're gonna be on the street with all those ladies

you like so much.

Have fun with them, Allen, have fun

'cause you're outta here, bye-bye.

I got the Amityville House.

That house is famous, Mom.

I'm gonna have enough money to buy myself my own house.

You're gonna be outta the trailer

and I'm gonna be outta this fucking car.

I- I'm sorry I said the F word again, I know,

but I'm just, like I said, I'm just excited.

I'm excited, this is like the first time I told you

about that time when that woman gave me the blowjob.

I- I know, Mom, I shouldn't tell you that again,

but I tell you everything, we talk about everything.

- Sir, sir, come, come, come down!

Come down, come, come down!

This place is bad, you go in there,

you will never be the same.

The reputation of this place is bad!

- Sir- - You go in there,

you will not come out!

- Sir, I'm the realtor, I'm trying to sell it!

I'm trying to tell you!

Do not go in there, I warned you!

- Oh- - I warned you!

- Yeah, warning me, I have to sell the place, okay, sir?

Just go away, you crazy old fool, Jesus.

This place ain't that bad.

Oh, this is pretty cool, this is actually nice.

Look at this place, I definitely can sell this.

This is a hell of a fireplace.

Look at this thing.

Yeah, this is fucking great, ah.

Why doesn't this place sell?

I got it made here, I'm selling this, this is nothing.

Hey, you come with the house?

How you doing? Yeah.

I'm gonna call you Ronnie.