Brassic

My boys are tied up, so I need you to collect something for me.

Yeah, yeah. No worries. What is it?

His name's Tony Tillerton. That's a person.

Tell me what he's told you, Sara.

What the fuck have you told Sara?

The only thing linking me to that headless fucking corpse is you...

and your idiot friends. They've got nothing on me, Vin.

For richer and poorer, in sickness and... - Police! Armed police!

Vincent O'Neil, we are arresting you on conspiracy to murder.

- You're making a mistake. - You're the first thing in the morning

and you're the last thing at night.

I sentence you to six months imprisonment.

O'Neil. It's time.

Eh?

Come here, Ernie. Give me a love, mate.

- It's been a pleasure, Vin. - You're a good lad, eh?

Now is that a fucking hard-on? Is it?

It is a hard on! 'Ey, Ernie's finally got himself a hard-on here.

(INMATES CHEER AND WHISTLE)

Fucking wants doing.(CHUCKLES)

Stay away from schools, you dirty old bastard. (CHUCKLES)

Right then, if you can just stick yourself

- in this end one, please, Mr O'Neil. - Yeah.

And when you're in there, just remove your trousers, please.

Eh?

- Don't worry, it's just a precaution. - I'm being released from jail.

I wouldn't be sticking anything up my arse.

Yeah, you'd be surprised.

- You're bloody right, I would. - See, the anus is...

It's an incredible organ. It's a bit like the female uterus, actually.

It's capable of expanding to great widths.

Oh.

- I've found loads of cool stuff up them. - Go on.

- Well, er... I once found a phone. - Oh, yeah.

- Drugs, obviously. A gun. - Eh?

- Hacksaw. - Fucking hell.

- Um... an MP3 player. - Crikey.

Christmas lights. I were like that.(LAUGHS)

- A miniature submarine. - Why?

- Harry Potter novel. - Oh, get gone.

- Yeah. - They're fucking that thick.

Yeah. Deathly Hallows, this one. 600 pages.

So, are we gonna have a quick peak then?

- Oh, you... - Come on.

I mean, what's the deal?

Have you always wanted to do this for a living or what?

I kind of fell into it really. Saw an opening.

Hey, hey!

(GRUNTS)

Fuck!

Sugar, Sugar, wake up. We're late.

- We're late! - Fuck.

I can't believe I slept in.

I promised him I'd be there.

- Did you get bummed? - No, I didn't get fucking bummed.

- I bet you've been bloody bummed. - Nah, not really my thing.

- (LAUGHS) See ya. - All right, Vin?

- All right, Georgio? - You OK, mate?

- Yeah, not so bad. - See you next week, Vinnie!

Fuck off!

Come here, mate. Uncle Vinnie!

Aw! Oh, I've missed you, man.

- I've missed you. - I'm sorry I went away.

- You look handsome. - Hi.Hiya.

Welcome back.

- You all right? Yeah, are you? - Yeah.

- Did you bring me a spliff? - Yeah.

- Course. - Ahh! (WOMEN LAUGH)

All right, Sugar? My youth.

That hotel was terrible.

Why didn't you want the guys to pick you up?

I wanted this little bugger to be the first face that I saw.

Eh? Besides, them buggers, they'd have just forgot, wouldn't they?

Didn't they visit?

Once or twice they did. The odd phone call here and there.

But I got the feeling they were trying to keep me happy.

How is the weed grow? Is it all right, yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah, fine.

Thank fuck for that. Has McCann been in touch?

No, I don't think so. Has he not been in touch with you?

Mm.

No. I mean, I didn't mention when I were getting out. Could be that.

You know, maybe he's just waiting till I get out.

It's just as well them buggers didn't know when I were getting out.

They'd have thrown a surprise party, wouldn't they? You know what I mean?

Mm. Shame.

Hey, Vinnie!

- You all right? - Vinnie.

- How are you? - Welcome home, mate.

Eh?! Oh, it's good to see you.

Oh, what the fuck are they doing here? Shit.

Oi, get hold of our Tyler, will you? Bloody hell.

- Oh, sorry, don't stop on my account. - Fuck do you want?

Just came to welcome you back, Vinnie.

Nice one. Well, you can fuck off now, can't you, Slater?

Oh, right. OK, sorry. Yeah, I will.

But just for factual accuracy

it's, "Fuck off, Detective Inspector Slater."

Uniform no more.

Isn't that right, Hoskins?

- Boom. - Mm.

Detective, huh? Well done, Carl. Maybe now you can investigate

them reports of a local man who bums dogs.

- (SNIGGERS) - Yeah.

Smile it up, arsehole, because tonight, myself and my team

are paying a visit to your adult establishment

and unless every last licence, certificate and fucking regulation

is up above board and up to date, I'm closing you down.

And as for you, "mechanic",

I know you're selling stolen wheels and we're gonna fucking catch you.

And then there's Vincent.

Aw.

Little motherless Vinnie. Aw.

"Preventing a lawful burial of a body."

Is that the best they could do?

Six months.

I know you've got a weed grow and I know you're involved with McCann.

And I am making it my personal mission

to ensure that you and all of your scroaty mates

end up behind bars

for as long as the law will allow.

Fuck off.

Fuck off?

I thought it was a moment. I'm sorry. Misread it.

Oi! It were a poodle.

Let's just assess the reality of the situation, right?

Oi, oi. The paperwork for the Rat and Cutter, I assume all that's fucked.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, assume cos it's me in charge it's all gone to shit.

Assume all the admin is in a state of fucking disarray.

Well, is it?

- Yeah, as a matter of fact it is. - Yeah.

Hang on, sweetheart. You're supposed to be co-assistant manager.

You told me you were taking care of licences, remember?

- Christ, you are useless. - Dickhead.

Honestly. He is a dickhead

It's gonna be months before we can sort that bloody paperwork out

and run that place legal now. Which means all we've got is that weed.

So the location, I can't have them finding that.

Let's go easy on the visits this time.

- There's a bit of a problem with that. - What kind of a problem?

Uh... with the grow.

Oh, hell.

Where's the weed?

Eh? Where's the fucking weed?

- They've fucking taken everything? - McCann's men. Every last plant.

I mean, we're... we are fucked.

No club, no weed. Fucking Slater and that creature.

Who's that fucking guy he's hanging out with? That little homunculus.

Fucking giving it big licks. Breathing right down our necks.

How the fuck are we gonna make a living here?

Summat'll turn up.

I know you're in there, Vinnie! I can fucking see you on your bed smoking!

All right. Shit, dude. What time is it?

Never fucking mind that. Just open the door.

- What the fuck do you want? - Something's fell into me lap.

- Candy from a baby. - Yeah?

Well, not fucking literally. Why would I have candy in my lap?

I'm not a fucking nonce, Vin. And even if I was,

I wouldn't be luring infants with fucking candy in my lap.

I'd hang about at the swimming pools or something.

At fucking soft-play centres.

I don't know what I'd do, but it wouldn't be candy.

You'd be a brilliant nonce. I've no doubt of it. What do you want, man?

Oh, I've got a job for us. Gonna earn us all thousands.

What kind of job is it?

The Great Bull Semen Heist.

Eh? Come on.

- Count me out of that. - Count you out?

This'll be the easiest dough you've ever earned in your life.

Stealing sex piss for a fucking angry Gandalf.

I've just come out of jail. Why would I nick a load of sex piss for you?

I've got Slater breathing down me neck and everything.

Piss off, Jim, you old cunt.

Fine! I'll fucking take it to the others then!

Do!

'Ey, and when we're all spending spunk money,

don't you come fucking moaning to me.

- (HEAVY THUD) - Ow! - That fucking hurt, twat!

- Fuck off. - You fuck off. You fucking old cunt.

Hey, Vinnie. You all right, knobhead?

How's it going? What the fuck is that, dude?

National "Check Yourself" Week. This is Valerie, my new friend.

Valerie the vagina. Hello, Vinnie.

- Dude, she wouldn't sound like that. - She would.

- That's exactly what she'd sound like. - Would she bollocks.

It's a growler. How do you expect them to sound?

She wouldn't be growly though, man. She'd be um...

What?