Ronny Chieng: Speakeasy

["The Spring Breeze Kisses My Face" playing]

Welcome to the stage,

the one, the only: Ronny Chieng!

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

We did it. We did it.

-We solved racism. Thank you. -

Thank you for coming out.

Thank you for coming tonight, New York City.

Thank you for not dying during the pandemic.

Thank you for surviving.

We couldn't do comedy without you.

We tried.

There's too many fucking podcasts.

I feel like 2021 was the year

that people who peaked in high school really found their voice…

…on the Internet.

All these fucking idiots on Facebook demanding evidence.

You're trying to give them life-saving information.

Like, "Here's some life-saving information."

"Where's the evidence for this? Where's the evidence for this?

Where's the evidence?"

All these fucking D-average students

who lack basic reading comprehension skills

demanding PhD-level evidence

on virology.

What could you ever show them that would be enough?

What evidence could you possibly show them where they'd be like…

"Oh, my God. Thank you so much…

for showing me this evidence.

I wasn't aware of this scientific theory before,

but now that I've read every page of this peer-reviewed article,

including the footnotes,

and I spent the weekend cross-referencing the sources on LexisNexis,

and everything seems to check out,

and I feel like I'm a better person for it.

So, thank you so much for taking the time to make me a better person."

These fucking morons.

They're fucking morons. They are.

I appreciate the sentiment of wanting to understand everything

and having critical-thinking skills.

But the amount of background knowledge you need to know to get to this point,

it's a little late in the game to be getting into the "knowing" business.

At this stage of your life, you're more in the "shut up and listen" business

because there's too much.

There's too much shit you missed out on.

You skipped too many classes, all right?

You're like the guy who didn't study all semester,

and then you show up for the exam,

and you're like, "None of this makes sense!

Math isn't real!"

There's too much-- It's like trying to explain quantum physics to a dog.

It's just beyond you at this point. Just get with the program. All right?

This is the miraculous technological era that we live in right now.

Okay, within three months of this shit breaking out in March 2020,

they decoded the genome of the virus.

Yeah, they decoded it.

They were like, "Yo, everyone, look, we found it.

We found the enemy.

Everybody, look, we got it right here.

Look, it's A-A-A-A, B-B-B-B-B-B, G-G-G-G-G-G,

-A-A-A-A, D-D-D-D-D, A-A-A, C-C-C-C-C, T." -

Can you imagine showing that to these idiots on Facebook…

demanding evidence?

Saying, "Where's the evidence? Where's the evidence?"

Like, "Right here. We got it.

We found the exact sequence of proteins and amino acids."

"What the fuck is this shit?

Oh, yeah, right. You 'decoded' a genome.

Oh, yeah, you expect us to believe you 'decoded' a genome,

and that's what it looks like, these shitty Scrabble letters.

Yeah, I can decode genomes too. Anyone can decode genomes.

Watch me decode genomes on my keyboard all day."

All these fucking D-average students

who were in the back of the classroom their entire academic career.

They were in the back of the class.

Stay the fuck in the back.

Don't come to the front during a pandemic

because you figured out how to start a podcast.

Stay the fuck in the back with your D-average mouth where you belong.

You had every opportunity to prove yourself academically

and you failed or were mediocre at best at every level.

Why the fuck should we listen to you about anything?

Let the nerds lead.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's what the nerds are for.

Everything around you was built by fucking nerds.

That's their job.

Nerds are here to input as much raw data into their head as possible,

swirl it around,

and then regurgitate a path forward of highest probability of success.

All right? And, yeah, some stuff fucks up because it's a probability thing.

All right? It's a normal distribution curve.

You're never gonna get a standard deviation of zero.

That's basic central limit theorem,

-right? -

Like, I love these guys who didn't go to school

and they automatically assume that they're street smart.

It's like, "Yo, it's not automatic.

You could be both dumb and street dumb.

That's also a possibility."

I've been lucky to live in a couple of countries in my life.

I was born and raised in Malaysia,

I grew up in Singapore, I lived in Australia for, like, ten years,

and now I live in America.

Feel free to cheer that last one.

Or not, it's fine.

- Yeah! Whoo! -It's a bit late. You missed it.

But I applaud you for trying.

Um, I'm just saying I've lived a few places, okay?

Not just for like a weekend getaway.

I've lived in these places for like a decade or more. Okay?

And I'm telling you guys from personal experience, all right,

there's racist people everywhere.

Okay? Every country has its racist, awful people.

I've seen them. They fucking suck.

Also, it's such an obvious point to make. I thought it goes without saying.

But apparently, if you don't say it enough in America,

everyone goes crazy with the whataboutism.

You're trying to point out some fucked-up situations,

like, "Yo, this situation is fucked up."

And some people are like, "You think that's fucked up? What about these people?

And what about what these jerks are doing? What about what these assholes are doing?"

And it's like, "Yeah, of course.

Of course, every race has its racist, awful people."

The problem is we keep comparing the worst 10% of one race

with the best 10% of another race.

Right? Which is obviously a mistake.

Because what we should be doing

is we should be getting the worst 10% of every race

and comparing that.

So we can figure out which is the worst race.

So we can finally answer that question and solve racism.

Because then there can be consensus.

Right? We can be like, "Yo, look. This race is the worst."

And that race can take a good look around and be like, "Yeah, we are the worst.

Goddamn it."

And then there can be healing.

Right? But we gotta be comparing apples to apples.

We can't be going high-low with the comparisons.

The p-values are too high.

In fact, you know what? Fuck it, let's do it right now.

Yeah, let's do it right now.

Let's figure out which is the worst race right now.

Okay? You guys up for it?

- Yeah! -All right. Okay. Cool.

On three, I want you to shout out which race you think is the worst.

All right? Okay? No, no, no.

Don't worry. We'll all do it together. We'll all do it together.

I'll join in. Of course, I'll join in.

Right? Don't worry, this is a comedy show. This is a safe space.

We asked you to put your phones away for this moment right now.

Now is the time to let it out.

This is it. Don't-- Don't bottle it up and go crazy outside.

Just-- Let it out now. Let the demons out now, all right? Okay?

You don't even have to be specific. Okay? Just shout a color.

Okay? Okay?

Guys, we all know what the answer is going to be.

Come on. Who are we fooling here? All right?

Okay, on three, worst race on three. Okay? One…

This is happening,

whether you join in or not.

You might as well say something,

even if you don't believe it.

Just as a creative exercise. Just let it out.

It's like speaking in tongues. Just go…

All right? Okay, on three. Okay?

Worst race, on three, all right?

Okay, one. Worst race. Two.

-Three. -

If you said anything, you're the worst 10% of your race.

That was fucking disgusting.

Bunch of goddamn racists coming to my show in New York City,

completely missing the point of that joke.

And I'm going to expose you to the country,

every comedy show I do.

And the problem with that joke is

I can't get in there any quicker to interrupt you fucking barbarians

before you shout some shit out that's gonna start a race riot in New York City.

But you know what? Fuck it. I need the publicity.

I need the press. Do it.

Do it. Start a race riot.

In this room, do it right now and blame me.

Blame me, tag me.

Tag me in the fight video.

Blame me. Cancel me.

Cancel me.

Tell Twitter I told you to say the N-word.

Do it. Cancel me.

Cancel me.

If you really think you have the ability to cancel me,

sitting in your underwear at home on your fucking phone, do it.

Cancel me. Cancel me.

I left three countries with free health care and no guns.

Whoo!

I moved to America in 2015 already prepared to die.