Ted K

Modern technology is the worst thing that ever

happened to the world,

and to promote its progress is nothing short of criminal.

Thank you, Grandfather Rabbit.

Thanks for listening to the local NPR classics.

KUHFN 91.7 Helena, 89.1 Missoula,

another hour of the baroque.

Technique five... take the one.

Sixty-four.

Two, 51, two, 19...

Eighteen, 63, two, 19...

Eighteen, 63, three, one, 51...

Two, 19, 18...

Yesterday was quite good.

The only disruptive sounds were nine evil jets.

Today was good in early morning,

but later in morning there was aircraft noise almost without

intermission for I would estimate about an hour.

In Lamborn, Illinois, there's far more jet noise,

and at times it is very annoying.

But it does not disturb me nearly as much as does

the lesser jet noise here, because here the noise destroys

something wonderful, while in the city

there is nothing for noises to destroy because one

is living in a shit pile anyway.

Excuse me.

Please deposit five cents for the next three minutes.

If five cents is not deposited within 25 seconds...

Yeah, I did. I...

...your call will automatically terminated.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Need a ride, Ted?

I can't get this, uh... I can't get this around.

- It's not... - Ted, it doesn't work.

- Huh? - It's broke, it's broke.

Just hold on real tight.

Whoa!

I couldn't help myself.

Sorry to... Sorry, Ted, I won't do it again, I promise.

Aw, shoot.

The supertanker bound for Long Beach,

California, ran aground about 22 miles south of Valdez

early Friday morning after loading a cargo of one

and a quarter million barrels from the Alaska pipeline.

Oil poured into the sound at the rate of 20,000

gallons an hour for 12 hours.

Exxon acknowledges that the Valdez detoured

into treacherous water.

The Coast Guard says the captain was trying

to avoid large chunks of ice known as growlers.

Seventy-five cents.

Hi. Hi, Ma, it's me.

It's so hot.

No, it's okay, it's always... it always does this,

but I only had $1.50 and I'm going to run

out of time before we finish the conversation.

Nothing. I just... I just want to talk to him.

I just turned my back on him.

Wouldn't talk to him. Yeah, well, that's his issue.

He shouldn't... He shouldn't have got married.

He shouldn't have married her, Ma.

She's a bad influence on him.

If that's not obvious to you now,

it will be in the future.

Well, I still love him, Ma, but I don't...

I have nothing in common with David.

He was jealous of the fact that I could do most

things better than he could.

It's a simple fact, Ma.

Well, yeah, he was better socially than I was, but...

Well, if you hadn't put me two years ahead in high school,

perhaps I would have the ability to... to hold

a conversation with a woman longer than 30 seconds.

Two relationships in my life.

Two. I only got to first base, Ma.

You know what first base is?

Yeah, kissing, tongue rubbing.

Yeah. I have tongue rubbed twice.

Twice. That's all. Nothing. No... no touching of breasts.

No sexual intercourse.

Well, who do you want me to tell?

Who should I tell this to, Ma?

Fuck, there's people...

There's people listening.

I just need to know if you're going to send me money, Ma.

Please, I'm desperate.

All right, please send me a check.

Oh, for the love of God, is that a yes or no?

Thank you.

And do not send... no, do not send food

with the check, just a check, Ma.

I have to go.

The beeping... The phone... It's the phone company, Ma.

It's the phone company. I can't. I have to go.

To the editor,

I would like to warn people of the danger

of picking berries in power line road cuts.

The Montana Electric Company sprays cancer causing

herbicides without any warnings to the public.

Fuckin'... fuckin'...!

Then there was a very loud sonic boom.

This was the last straw.

And it reduced me to tears of impotent rage.

But I have a plan for revenge.

Shoo! Shoo!

Fuck off.

People say violence and the taking of human

life is not a way to resolve human problems.

It can't work.

As a matter of fact, history shows

that it very often does work.

I want to kill some people.

Preferably a scientist, a communist, businessman

or some other big shot.

Use shotgun powder in the last hoping it would

do more damage than rifle powder.

Spent 350 bucks on the last bombing mission

and barely blew a finger off.

Absolutely frustrating.

I can't seem to make a lethal bomb.

Seeming increasingly infeasible without more money.

Okay?

There you go.

Hey, Ted.

You keep drawing like that, you're gonna cut your nuts off.

Yeah, I don't take direction from women

on mechanical matters.

Please have your husband advise me on how to work.

Fuckin' asshole.

Yeah, did you... you see that?

She tried to fire me, I'm doing what I'm... I'm doing

my job, I'm doing what you told me.

Fucking...

You know she runs the show around here?

- What? - She... she runs the show.

Get the fuck out!

There is a psycho-surgical

operation that relieves people who get angry too easily.

They stick electrodes into your brain and burn out

the gizmo that produces the emotion of anger.

Of course, I would rather be miserable

or dead than be relieved by that humiliating method.

Excuse me. How much... how much is this?

25 cents.

Okay, I'll think about it.

Doing some entertaining there, Ted?

No.

Just need cutlery.

Don't have a wife to chew my food and regurgitate

it into my mouth.

Fair enough.

Since committing the crimes

reported elsewhere in my notes, I feel better.

I'm still plenty angry, you understand,

but the difference is that I am now able to strike back

to a degree.

True, I can't strike back to anything like the extent

I wish to, but I no longer feel totally helpless,

and the anger doesn't gnaw my guts as it used to.

Guilty feelings? Yes, a little.

Occasionally, I have bad dreams in which police are after me,

or which I am threatened with punishment

from a supernatural source such as the devil.

But these don't occur often enough to be a problem.

I am definitely glad to have done what I have.

Here comes a tough one.

So, four numbers.

Keeping the seven in the same place.

Mm-hmm.

Create the greatest and the smallest number

in a combination of those four digits.

I'm going to give you a hint.

The zero, seven, five, four is a three-digit number.

- Okay? - Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, what's the greatest and smallest number

for those four digits?

Mm-hmm.

Nice. Remarkable.

That's fantastic.

The smallest. He's really coming along.

He is really smart.

I think you've probably done enough.

Yeah. All this math does give me a headache.

That's what we want.

In Montana, if I went to the city to mail

a bomb to some big shot, the driver would doubtless

remember I rode the bus that day.

In the anonymity of the big city, I figured it would be

much safer to buy materials for a bomb and mail it.

I wanna fuck you.

I want to fuck you too, yeah.

Nice ass. Nice tits. Face, meh.

I could end this bitch.

What are you reading about?

The psychology of women.

I'm reading, I have work to do.

- I'm... - Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.