SurrealEstate

-August Ripley. -Rochelle Decker.

I get these things.

I can’t hear them anymore, I can’t see them.

But I know them.

-You know, I always liked you, Zooey.

She’s one of us.

One of us. One of us.

-I heard about the day you left the church.

-The organization wasn’t meeting my needs.

- Dear Luke, please consider this

my resignation from the Roman Agency.

Effective immediately.

Susan Ireland.

Hasan!

Mina, Tarik,

I can’t give you a guaranteed sale date or price.

Nobody can. The market is a living, breathing thing.

-So, what was that number you gave us five minutes ago?

-That is a listing price that I think will put us

in a very positive position. I suspect we’ll get

several offers above that, but, well, wait and see.

So,

is there anything else that I need to know?

-Mmm. No. -Mmm. No. Nothing. No.

-No, I-I-I don’t-- -Sounds great.

I don’t think so, no.

-These older houses often have, uh,

features and quirks that could impact

the potential sales price and days on market.

Now, if this is the case,

we are very good at managing these things,

but now is the time to tell us.

-Did you tell him about the antichrist next door?

-Daria. -He needs to know.

The Masseys.

Our neighbors from hell.

-Unreasonable neighbors aren’t that--

...unusual.

Unreasonable?

They’ve been a problem since we moved in.

-We’ve tried to be good neighbors.

Ask anyone else on the block.

-But with the Masseys? -If they find out we’re selling,

they’ll try to sabotage us.

-Badmouth us. Scare away the buyers.

-Who wants to live next to murderous psychopaths?

-We generally try and keep those bullet points

out of the marketing materials.

What can we do?

-Well, generally, I like to head off the problem

by reaching out first; create goodwill.

-Goodwill? Good luck.

-You’d be surprised what a properly deployed muffin basket

can achieve. Now, are you done with this?

Nice landscaping.

Least they keep the property up.

-That’s what they always say about axe murderers:

"Gee, what a surprise.

They took such good care of their yard."

Hm.

Hey!

Nice greenery.

Aren’t they?

-So, should be an easy one. A normie.

-Hm. Just like Susan suggested.

-We’ve always welcomed every client,

regardless of their degree of metaphysical engagement,

so the Hasans should be pretty simple.

Open, show, closing.

But their neighbors have got them really spooked.

-Perhaps it’s just bad chemistry.

-Maybe, but, Phil, when you do the HCP at the Hasan house--

-I’ll check the Massey place, too.

Maybe they’re just too alike?

I mean, suburbia rots everyone’s brain sooner or later.

-The Hasans have lived there for eight years.

They never had problems with anyone else, or so they say.

August, I want you in there sooner than later.

Hasans don’t seem like the type to make this up, but--

-There was a fascinating study done on Norwegian rats

...living in close proximity--

-Tarik? We were just talking about you.

What?

Okay...

you’re gonna have to believe us now.

-I can’t believe a normal person would--

-Go all Ozzy Osbourne and then drop it on our doorstep?

I told you, these people are sick.

-I can’t take this anymore.

You don’t have to.

-Tarik, this really isn’t the time

to get into an altercation with these people.

Massey!

Massey, you cowardly pile of puke!

Come out and face me! Massey!

And don’t just send out your freakishly tall wife

to fight your battles! I want a piece of you!

Man, dial it down a little.

-What’d you say about my wife?

-I don’t think that he meant anything.

-She’s tall! Freakishly tall!

Abnormally tall!

-You take that back. -Or what?

You gonna unleash Slenderwoman on me?

-I’m gonna do some unleashing, all right.

What kind of a sicko

rips the head off a bird and puts it on someone’s porch?

-The kind of sicko who’s tired of getting

a midnight suntan, that’s who!

-My porch light, my rules! -Tariq, put down the rock.

-My dog! Your ass! How about that?

-Mr. Massey, put down the dog. -Whoa-ho-ho.

And a shadow covers the land as the 50-foot woman attacks.

-Eat a heaping bowl of shit, Hasan!

You bird dismemberer!

-You’re insane! -You’re a sociopath!

-You’re neighbors! -Come get your bird, Massey.

-Okay. Go get ’em, Buttercup!

-Go on! -No!

-Hope he saved me a drumstick.

Hm.

- The irony is I’m only five-nine.

In heels.

-You always had this kind of, um...

tension between you?

-Tension? They made our lives

a living hell ever since we moved in.

-Thought you were here first? -Oh!

-Look. Look at the things they do.

-It’s a little hard to make out.

-Yeah, that’s because of their goddam porchlight.

Thing’s gotta be like a 100 jillion lumens.

It shines right into our bedroom all night.

-Well, did you talk to them about it?

-Yeah. They suggested something involving a place

where the sun doesn’t shine. It was hurtful.

-Yeah, that’s not even the worst of it.

Here, look at this.

-Does that say--? -Yeah!

-The ’f word’. -Son of a bitch

snuck onto our property at night and wrote it in huge letters

with a fertilizer spreader on our front lawn.

-We had to mow every few days to keep it from growing taller

and corrupting young people.

-Well, you did pin a note to their door with a knife.

Have you seen their hedges?

They look like the lead singer from--

-What’s the name of that band? -The Melvins.

-The Melvins! And they refuse to trim ’em!

You know how something like that can affect property values!

Okay.

Look, you seem okay for a real estate guy.

And if you sell the house, we’ll be glad to see them go.

But... there’s no goddamn way

that we are gonna help them do anything.

You mark my words:

If we ever turn up dead and headless, bleeding out

on the porch like that poor bird Buttercup got hold of,

you’ll know the Hasans did it.

Well,

meanwhile, enjoy the muffins.

Quitting? Already?

Well, you’ve only been a real estate agent

for a few days.

You closed the Dunn-Herberts when no one else could.

-Yeah. And then I went home and took a 45-minute shower

to wash off the filmy residue of capitalism.

It’s called growing up.

-No, this was called selling out.

And I just don’t think that it’s right for me.

But I also don’t want to let Luke down either.

-It’s fine to wander when you’re young.

Noble, even.

But one must eventually choose a path

and follow it to the end

because old wanderers lack direction, purpose.

And they often pee outdoors.

Ew.

Hi. May I help you?

-Oh, I’m-I’m looking for Phil Orley.

May I say who is here?

Philly can’t possibly be

important enough to merit this level of screening.

Oh, Philly.

Hey, Philly. Que pasa?

Abby!

Wh-what are you doing here? Is everything okay?

-Everything’s fine. I was just about to

submit a blood sample to your secretary here.

It’s not too late.

-This is Zooey, our newest agent.

Zooey, my big sister, Abby.

-Charmed. -Mm.

Okay, come on.

So, Abs, not that this isn’t a treat, but what’s up?

I was in town and wondered

if you and Anthony were free for dinner.

In town for what?

-To take you and Anthony for dinner.

I was taking care of some paperwork