Cleaner

Take for instance last week. A woman's going to visit her mother.

She has a bag of groceries and a bouquet of flowers..

to brighten up the place.

Mom.

Mom? Mom?

What she doesn't know is..

three days prior, her mother's fallen off a footstool..

busted her head open and broken her neck.

By the time she gets there, her mother's body..

is bloated with bacterial gases.

There's fluids leaking from her eyes, ears, nose, mouth.

You get the picture.

Well, death is tragic.

But it's also big business.

Some people deal with it spiritually.

Others deal with it legally.

But what most people don't know..

is that when someone dies in your house..

it's up to you to clean up the mess.

Well, sure, the city will come and take the body away.

But what they leave behind..

is your own personal little souvenir.

Now, most people don't have the stomach for that.

That's where I come in.

Now, cleaning a body is..

actually a lot like cleaning any other household spill.

There are three basic steps.

First, get rid of all the bugs.

HIV, herpes, tuberculosis, adenovirus, hantavirus, E. coli.

Now, I assume all those things are present, so I spray everything..

with my own personal little cocktail of antivirals and disinfectants.

And just between you and me, I also throw in a little Listerine.

The original flavor.

It has an enzyme that liquefies coagulated blood.

You gotta use the original flavor, not that new blue or orange shit.

Well..

Tom, that's.. I.. I mean..

I'll be right back.

- Didn't you use to be a cop? - Yeah. Yep, I did.

Didn't have the stomach for it.

So, Jeff. Well, what's going on with you?

Well, I'm still in the mortgage game.

Doing good there.

Of course, there's Laura and the kids, all great.

Laura's mom, she's getting up there. She's been sick.

She's staying with us now in the back bedroom.

There's some days she doesn't come out of there at all.

Tom, you wouldn't happen to have a card on you, would you?

Oh, yeah, sure. Sure. Yeah. Here you go.

- Can I have one? - Oh, yeah, definitely.

There's enough here for everybody. Yep, this is good. Call me.

That's Steri-Clean. That's me. Gee, it's great to see y'all.

Quit stalling. Get the typewriter. Pound out a lead.

- How much do you want? - All you got.

Hello, give me Duffy.

- Call the mayor a bird of prey? - Anything.

How about the time he had his house painted?

Give him the works. Hello, Duffy? Get set.

We got the biggest story in years. "Earl Williams.."

How was it?

It was..

funny.

- Funny how? - Oh, you'll see in about 30 years.

Rekindle any old flames?

No, baby. That candle burned out years ago.

- I'm beat. I'm going to bed. - Good night.

You're gonna stay up and watch this movie..

with these people talking like:

- Yeah. I wanna see how it ends. - All right.

Rose, I'll love you until the end of time..

because you're the girl I've wanted, and you're the girl of my dreams.

Love you, baby.

- Is she there? - No, I can't hear you.

- Where'd she go? - Out someplace.

Last night.. Last night I dreamed I was..

changing my baby's diaper, and it was filled with blood.

And when I looked up, I mean, he was fucking dead.

You know, and then I had to come in and..

I had to come in and clean the crib.

I gotta clean it up before the mama comes in.

You want something? Gum, mints?

- Aspirin? - I could use a drink.

How about we start with the aspirin?

Hey, you got a little girl.

What do you tell Rose? What do you tell her you do?

She knows what I do.

There's nothing to be ashamed of. We don't clean up blood.

We clean up anger and grief, heartache.

Looks like blood.

Just tell yourself that our clients are in trouble.

We help them out.

Well, I hate to see you go, Miguel. I don't wanna burn you out either.

Say you come in a couple days a week, restock the vans..

and give Cherie a hand around here, lighten her load, okay?

Yeah, man. Yeah, I.. Yeah, thank you, brother.

- Thank you, man. Look, I owe you one. - You don't owe me shit. We all good.

- Go spend the day with your family. - All right.

He quit?

No. He's gonna help you out around here.

Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it. These two are yours.

- Forty-five cats? Give this to Paulie. - We're short-staffed.

Paulie's sick. Freddie and Jose are in that meth lab in Howell. Miguel quit.

No, he didn't quit.

And Victor's allergic.

- Hey, at least nobody died there. - Probably smell better.

Good morning, Steri-Clean.

Please hold. Lorenzo's on 2.

- I'm in the field. - Again?

I'm in the field.

You're gonna have to take it sometime.

Okay.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Lorenzo. He's in the field.

Thank you.

Can I take a message?

Steri-Clean. Anybody here?

Initial recording.

This is Tom Cutler. On April 6.

Case number three-Mary-four-four- five-Charlie-three-seven-eight.

Personal residence.

Homicide. No one home. Key was left on the front porch.

Blood and tissue on the sofa..

wall..

tile floor..

glass coffee table.

Blood, soft chip, approximately one day old.

Something smells good.

- How was your day? - Long.

- Why is your mom's box out? - It's a surprise.

- Are your eyes closed? - Yeah, they're closed.

Okay.

Open.

I found the recipe in her old book.

I can't remember, but is this how it used to look?

Yeah. Yeah, it's exactly how it used to look.

- Why'd you take the box out? - It's.. It's interesting, actually.

I have to do a history report on a historical figure from the last 50 years.

Really? So who are you doing?

Mom.

- Your mom's a historical figure? - My teacher thinks it's a good idea.

- She said it's original. - Yeah, it's original, all right.

- You know who would be really good? - I kind of already started.

Maybe if you have time later you can help me?

Sure, but not tonight. I have to do payroll.

I don't have to do Mom.

- Who were you gonna say? - Nobody, no. Mom's a good idea.

I got a call from your math teacher today.

Says you've been sleeping in class.

I nodded off, like, twice because he's so boring..

and he's making this huge thing out of it.

Well, bottom line is it's gotta stop. Now.

So no more of those mocha things after 5 and I want you in bed by 11:30.

We clear?

Hey.

I'm not punishing you, I just want you to get your sleep, okay?

Now, you know if there's anything bothering you..

I'm here for you, right?

I know.

- Is there? - What?

- Anything bothering you? - No, it's the mochas. I'll cut back.

One thing's for sure. You're just as good a cook as she was.

Dad.

Dad. We're gonna be late.

Come in.

Hello.

Surprise!

Hang on. Hang on. It's not him. It's not him.

Hi. We thought you were my little nephew..

not that you look like you're turning 10 today, but..

- Can I help you? - Yes.

Is?

- Is this your house? - Yes.

Well, I'm Tom Cutler. I run the cleaning service you hired.

I'm sorry. We have a housekeeper and we're really happy with her.

No, no, no. We're not that kind of cleaning service.

I was saying, we did a job here yesterday and inadvertently we..

Excuse me, sir. We weren't home yesterday.

What kind of cleaning service are you?

Oh, is your husband home? Perhaps I could talk to him.

No, he's out for the moment. You can talk to me.

Okay.

We cleaned up after what happened.

After what happened?

- I'm sorry, Mrs? - Norcut.

Norcut.

- Not Collins? - No.

- Is this Ridgecrest Lane? - Ridgewood Way.

See. There.

There's the mistake right there. Once again, my office got things mixed up.

I'm sorry to have taken your time.

Three-Mary-four-four- five-Charlie-three-seven-eight.

Hey. Sign these. I'm going to Betty's. You want anything?

I'm sorry. There are no matches for that case number.

Who called this in?

- West Trenton P.D. - Who, exactly?

- Right there. Jones. - Sir?

- Detective Jones, please. - There's no one by that name, sir.

Oh, thank you.

- What happened? They stiff us? - I'm just trying to sort some stuff out.

All right.

- What do you want from Betty's? - I'm not hungry.