Girls

- Hannah. - Hannah, I saw you see us.

I just started my run, okay?

That's not true. You were returning here to your home.

What I do is I run up and down the block multiple times

till I feel like I'm gonna barf.

I measured it out. It's basically a mile.

What are you doing here?

Hannah, you haven't returned any of our phone calls. Not one.

Honey, I called you 23 times the other day.

Yeah, does that not strike you as a bit psycho?

We just want to spend some time with you, honey, okay?

As a normal family unit.

Well, I would say "normal family unit"

kind of went out the window when one of you became gay

and the other started dressing like Pat Benatar.

Please be open to us, Hannah.

Be open to the time we want to spend with you.

I have to finish my run.

Bullshit.

No, Mom, you don't know. I've been running a lot.

I'm not sure if you've heard of "endor-phins,"

but they've been really helping me.

Helping me to deal with you.

Endorphins.

Comes on the...

I'm sorry I didn't come. I was really close.

The good news is I can only come when I kind of hate someone.

I'm working on that with my online therapist.

Well, I won't stop trying.

Ray, you have to support me professionally, okay?

I mean, as much as it might cause damage to us romantically,

Desi and I are opening for the Lumineers in Boston.

That's great. That sounds amazing.

I mean, I thought Lumineers were teeth caps, but

clearly, based on your enthusiasm,

they must nurture some important significance

in the alternative rock universe.

Except fucking Tandace is coming on every stop of the tour.

And I'm telling you, she is deeply crazy.

No one is that calm.

Right, she is calm.

Come with me.

- On tour? - Yes, totally.

I mean, I will require a lot of emotional support

and some minor logistical support.

You know, simple stuff, like making sure I have coconut water

and Smartwater and sort my vitamins

and figure out how much zinc to take, all that stuff.

But I know you don't want to be without me.

I know that.

- Um... - Come on, please?

- Please? - You're so cute when you beg.

- Please? - I'm a human.

I'm just a mortal man.

Yeah, I'd love to come. That sounds great.

- Yeah? - Yeah, why not?

- What about work? - What about work? It'll be fine.

Kippy can run the community board meetings for a little while

and Shosh has the coffee shop on lockdown.

- Are you still peeing? - Huh? Yeah.

I mean, I just want to make sure I get every last drop out.

You are not giving me a UTI before a tour.

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Amazing work, Megan.

Keep it moving, but also, like, keep it connected. Just like...

Hermie, Hermie, hi. Just a minute.

Okay, I have some news that is going to rock

your Mephistos right off your socks.

"The New York Times" Thursday style section

wants to come here and do a piece on us next week.

They love the hipster-hate angle.

- They want to do a whole profile on our - Uh...

transformation, so I bought a few shirts and I

put them in your office and I hung them in like descending

- order of preference. Now, - Shoshanna. Shoshanna.

- the turquoise is my... Yes? - Shoshanna!

- I know I told you to lean in. - Yeah.

But you've gone too far.

Now I want you to lean out.

Oh, my God, are you firing me?

No, no.

We've made more money this week than the past five months.

It's just you're a very intense person.

You've got a powerful energy and it's too much.

I need you to take it down a notch.

I... oh, no.

Hi, sir. Bye, sir.

Your kind are not welcome here.

Read the sign. Out.

Hermie, Hermie, we cannot actually turn people away.

That's discrimination. We just have to, like, you know,

glare at them and make them super uncomfortable

and bully them until they leave of their own volition.

Listen to me, muffin.

From now on, anybody who walks through that door

with a bun on top of their head

or tattoos that were not acquired during a naval adventure on the South Pacific,

we treat 'em like a hippie at Disneyland in '68.

This is a haven for normal people...

working men and ladies.

Free refills, everybody. This week only.

We're taking back the night.

You're either with me or you're against me.

I am so with you, Hermie.

Please save me all of those magical quotes for "The New York Times."

All right, Sample, let's eat.

Okay, oi.

Spoon is an airplane.

And it's crashing into your face.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's way too much for one bite.

- What do you mean? - That's too much food. She could choke.

But she's not choking.

She's just spitting it out like a normal person.

- So, what, now you're just gonna do it? - Here.

Can I at least get some fucking credit here?

- Look what I got. - You told me I sucked with the baby

and now I'm trying to be better with the baby

and you're still telling me I'm fucking up the baby.

I watched two YouTube videos about babies, Adam.

That's a good girl.

If you want someone who's so good with babies, why don't you call Hannah?

She loves babies. She's always trying to accidentally French them.

Why the fuck would you mention Hannah right now?

I'm sorry, I can't mention her?

- Can't even have thoughts about her? - Um, no, you can think it all you want,

but don't feel the need to share it with me.

It's okay.

I'm thinking about her right now.

Banana, you don't seem like you're having fun with us.

I'm not. You guys are depressing.

- No, we're not. - Yeah, no, we're a little depressing.

Honey, is it because we're trying to make it work?

Yes.

Hannah, stop judging.

You know what? I don't like being judged either.

That's why I had to end my relationship with Fran,

so I will stop judging you.

If you get better haircuts.

- If you want us to, we'll get haircuts. - We will.

Thank you. Now, I need everyone to stop talking to me

'cause I'm trying to get in the zone for The Moth tonight.

Well, that's fun. What's that?

Oh, it's like an open-mic storytelling contest

that can lead to NPR opportunities

and be kind of a doorway to Ira Glass.

So, you're writing again?

I don't know, but I have something to say.

What are you wearing?

I would say just, like, this

with, like, a blazer and, like, a belt with trinkets.

- No. - No.

What if I add, like, a chunky heel?

- No. No. - No. No.

Let's go shoppin'.

- Oh, my God. This stuff is so cute. - Mm-hmm.

Mom, I would wear this on a date with Mark Ruffalo.

I would wear this to lunch with Graydon Carter.

Yeah, it's very good for our body type.

We don't have the same body type.

Hey, which of your friends are coming tonight?

Oh, I don't know. Not Jessa.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. That is such fucking bullshit.

I just spend all my time trying not to sink

to their level, which is really hard.

When I saw them last, I said, "Good day, sirs and misses,"

like I was a fucking Newsy.

Good for you.

I had a friend who stole my boyfriend once.

Dale. He was such a hunk. Captain of the debate team.

And then Cadence, this math major bitch,

she started sleeping with him when I went home for Great-Aunt Bibs' funeral.

Can you imagine? I'm already mourning Bibs and then this.

- But you know what? - What?

Two years later, she steps in front of a car, freak accident, and she's dead.

Now, I'm not saying that's gonna happen to Jessa,

but I'm also saying I hope it does, for your sake.

It freed me from so much anger, anger that probably would've killed me.

And then Dale wanted you again?

I didn't even think of that. I was just so happy Cadence was dead.

Hannah, open up the door, okay?

Hannah, I'm not fucking around.

I need to get in there and wash my lower half,

by which I mean my dick and my balls

- and my a... hey! - Hey!

- Come on in. Hi. - Hi!

- My, what a nice surprise. - Come on in.

I thought I was gonna have another morning alone,

ever since your dumb daughter started running.

- Yes. - Yep, okay.

- You all right, Elijah? - Uh-huh.

You sleep at all, Elijah?

Yeah, yeah, no, I slept...

yeah, I slept Wednesday.

Well, it's Saturday...

- now. It sure is Saturday. - Oh, well...

- Tad, Calendar Man. - Yeah.