iCarly

Hey... Carly.

Do you want a napkin or perhaps

a vacuum to go with all these crumbs?

No.

What I want is Freddie.

What I have is queso.

Eh...

Eh...

He made my knees buckle.

Do you know how that feels?

Girl, my knees have done things your knees never will.

But that's not the point.

Look, Freddie has a girlfriend.

A girlfriend whose name I forget every time I see her.

But a girlfriend nonetheless.

What apps are you on?

Oh, love applications?

I've heard those can leave viruses on your phone.

You could stand to get a few viruses,

'cause you're not getting any from--

Freddie!

And you.

Sorry to barge in,

but can we steal some brown yarn?

Oh, you guys are doing yarn crafts now?

We're making a little Statue of Liberty in the original copper.

Oh, I actually do have copper-colored yarn.

Ah, yes. I knew I could count on you,

my favorite crazy yarn lady.

Brown is fine.

Is anyone gonna tell Carly she has cheese all over her face?

'Cause I am not close enough with her.

Um, it's for my new character, Captain American Cheese.

Uh, who fights crime with queso.

We'll talk about it at our story meeting later.

Oh, um, we're gonna be kind of busy

with this yarn thing all afternoon.

Well, Carly is busy, too.

We just finished filling out her new Sevens Only profile,

and I made her seem crazy. Guys like that.

Oh, wow. So you're actively looking for a...

gentleman caller?

Not necessarily.

Well, be careful, though.

A lot of those love applications

can leave viruses on your phone.

I think that is the perfect app for you.

You're absolutely a seven in Seattle.

Thank you?

Yeah, I'm not just on Sevens Only.

I downloaded Nondenominational Mingle,

the Gorch List, Scraps...

This bitch.

Is that another app? I'll download it.

No. I just got a text from Tinsley.

Who's Tinsley?

And why do you say her name like Madonna

when she was trying to be British?

This girl I went to boarding school with.

She just asked me to style her for the Net Gala.

It's like the Met Gala but with nets.

It's almost impossible to get into.

Oh, because of the nets.

This girl tormented me all through high school.

Now all of a sudden she wants to give me a job

I desperately need?

Oh, she probably wants to see you again

so she can rub it in your face that you're poor now.

Exactly. Thank you!

: I want to say Squirrel.

I don't want to talk about it.

The Seattle Penny Pincher gave him a bad review

on his last art piece.

Ooh, I hang out with people who get reviews.

I feel like I'm on Entourage.

It says, "Spencer Shay has become so ensconced

"in his one-percent bubble, he's lost touch

with the average working man."

That is bull crap!

There's no one more average than me.

I'm the Maroon 5 of people.

Comfort me!

Yay! I've already got three matches.

Oh, wow. That was fast.

For an attractive woman under 30?

That's actually terrible.

* I know *

* You see *

* Somehow the world will change for me *

* And be so wonderful *

* So wake up the members of my nation *

* It's your time to be *

* There's no chance unless you take one *

* And the time to see the brighter side *

* Of every situation *

* Some things are meant to be *

* So give your best and leave the rest to me. *

So, how you feeling?

You ready to get under Teddy, Eddie or Betty?

But if she rocks your world, it is not my job

to unpack that with you.

Harper, I'm not gonna have intercourse sex

with some scrap off the Internet.

That's a scrap?

He looks like a whole damn meal.

That's him. But he was wearing glasses in his profile.

I mean, who wears glasses one minute

and then mysteriously doesn't need 'em the next?

Superman?

Go meet your hot date while I meet my hot bully.

Damn, she looks expensive.

Oh, Tinsley.

Mwah. Mwah.

Darling, I can see why you hired me.

Are you going camping after this?

You look fabulous.

Seems the headgear really sorted everything out.

Didn't you hear?

I ditched the headgear for a full skull replacement.

'Twas quite expensive, but not for someone as rich as I,

what with all my celebrity clientele.

Bey, Jay, all of the Jennifers.

- All the Jennifers? - Mm-hmm.

I would have thought you'd be more selective.

Wait, so you build furniture?

Like Jesus or a young Harrison Ford.

Yeah, I make tables, chairs,

stools, benches, desks.

Which are like tables, but for office work.

End tables...

Well, I guess I know who to call

the next time I go to IKEA.

But that's not building furniture.

That's assembling furniture.

It was just a joke.

Oh, that's right, you said you were a comedienne.

Tell me another joke, now that I'm ready for it.

Well, I'm working on this new sketch

called Captain American Cheese.

It's about the battle between Gouda and evil.

So it's not like funny "ha-ha."

You really went nuts at that farmers market.

I googled "regular people" and "Sundays,"

and this is what came up.

Time for plan B. If it's average Spencer

the people want, then it's average Spencer

the people will get.

I'm gonna give away enough of my money

so that I'm no longer part of the one percent.

Wait, so plan A was: get a lot of corn?

Well, you could always invest in your old pal Freddie again.

I mean, this head is full of ideas.

You know how it gets colder at night?

Stop!

I wouldn't want to burden you with wealth.

Money is an evil mistress,

and you're terrible with women.

- Well, as the father of a daughter... - Stop!

Freddie, that's not a bad idea.

Night pants?

No, that's a terrible idea, but it's a good idea

to invest in a bad business.

That way I'm certain to lose money.

But how are you gonna find a business

that you know will fail?

Will you consult trend forecasters or economists...

Stop!

I'm 11. I can find anything on the Internet.

That's how we do.

If this goes well, I'll be so broke next year,

I'll have to pay taxes.

So, how did it go with Tinsley?

Awful. In high school she used to criticize everything.

My skin, too soft. My yacht, too big.

My rendition of the Mouse King in The Nutcracker,

too graceful.

Now all of a sudden, she likes everything

I put in front of her.

She's up to something.

How did last night go with Superman?

Was it a bird or a plane?

I didn't have intercourse sex with some rando in an alley.

You had it in your bed? Carly, he is a stranger.

I'm giving him one more chance,

but he's just not really my type.

Tall and handsome?

Exactly. You know I like 'em short and nerdy.

: Greetings, fellow humans.

Hey, buddy.

What happened to you this morning?

I thought we were gonna shoot Taco Tina

doing her taco taxes.

She's trying to claim guac as a dependent.

Sorry, no time to stop.

We're almost up to the brown yarn crown on Lady Liberty.

Tomorrow we start knitting the huddled masses

yarning to breathe free.

Well, it seems like you made a little time

to pick up some Froyo for you and your fro-ho.

Yeah, a little, uh, mint chip