Frasier

*

Just before you go, I have graded your papers.

- Thank you, Professor Crane. - You know,

I'm-I'm not one to get hung up on titles and such,

but I am technically not a professor.

I am an adjunct visiting guest lecturer

in residence.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Crane.

Dr. Crane will suffice. Thank you.

Oh, man. I'm nervous.

My coach says if I get another bad grade,

he's gonna bench me.

I can only imagine what you're going through.

- Thanks, man. I... - 'Cause I've gotten straight A's

my whole life, so...

I can only imagine.

Coach says I'm already on thin ice.

Sorry, hockey lingo.

Well, if you need help, I can tutor you.

Uh, it can end there, but I'm also open

to an offbeat friendship.

Have a nice weekend, everyone.

Oh, my God.

I got a B.

Oh, my God.

I got a B!

- We got the same grade? - We got the same grade!

We're brain twins. Up top.

Ah. There's my favorite

head of the Harvard psychology department.

Oh, I recognize that buttery tone.

Frasier wants something from you.

Most likely feedback from the memoir he's penning.

Nonsense. And how could you read

my entire life saga

and have your only note be "more Alan"?

No, no.

You're misquoting me entirely.

My note was "less Frasier."

How can I help you, Dr. Crane?

Yes, uh, exactly. Uh, please, come and sit.

It's this whole "Dr. Crane" business, you see?

It sounds a bit clunky, doesn't it?

Now, "Professor Crane"--

that has a certain je ne sais quoi.

Oh, I'd say exactly quoi.

The title of professor connotes status.

Yes, but it's more than status.

It also connotes legitimacy.

Look, Dr. Crane, most educators

spend years lecturing before the academic review board

even considers them for professorship.

Long gone are the years where unearned professor titles

are just handed out to any Tom, Dick or Alan.

Actually, I have a lesson right now.

But I've got my shoes off, so, meh.

Surely, there must be some sort of

an alternate route to professorship--

uh, a Crane lane, if you will.

Well, you know, Olivia,

Frasier and I have the same level of education.

We have the same experience as psychiatrists.

We're basically doing the same job,

except that I'm a professor and he's not.

And you think that's unfair?

No, I'm just gloating.

Can't you just get me in front of the review board?

I'm sure I could convince them if

- they would just hear my case. - Mm, mm-mm.

I worry it's too soon.

How can you justify skipping over years of hard work?

Listen, I am one of the most well-known psychiatrists

of our generation.

I have multiple Ivy League degrees.

And I'm an Emmy winner.

Daytime Emmy.

Okay, I will get you a meeting with the board.

And a little tip:

Provost Sharma is the chair. If you can win him over,

the rest of the board will fall in line.

Perhaps you could arrange a one-on-one

- before the board meeting? - No, no, no, no, no.

That-that would be unethical for me to get involved.

It's such a shame because I'm meeting with him tonight.

Gosh, if only you knew where and when,

you could stop by and say hello.

Could you give me a hint?

Well...

That's between me and my calendar, Dr. Crane.

Why are you being so damn coy?

- Dr. Crane, I can't tell you. - Olivia, why are you being...

- Just look at the damn tablet! - All my...

Oh!

Thank you!

Whereas, you know,

Kierkegaard argued that life is struggle.

So-so-so the very act

of searching for his son is, in essence,

nothing more than a reclamation of purpose,

but, but, but, but...

once completed,

life...

loses all meaning.

Wow.

And I thought Finding Nemo was just about fish.

Freddy, what's going on? Are you pontificating?

When Freddy gets drunk, he gets wicked smart.

That's so reductive.

See? He sounds like you. What a nerd.

Guys, please, Freddy doesn't get smart when he drinks.

He's always smart.

It just comes out more when he's had a few beers.

Like your accent, Moose.

Accent? That's slander. That's malarkey.

That's... Okay, I'm hearing it.

So you sublimate your natural intelligence

in order to blend in with your peers.

Except when you drink alcohol, which makes you diminish

your inclination to obfuscate your wit.

Jesus, you must be wasted.

Okay, guys. Look, just...

'cause, on occasion, I will extemporaneously...

Aw...

Oh. Oh, my son.

My beautiful boy.

I knew you were still in there somewhere.

Tell me, do you still remember French?

Bien sûr, Papa.

Holy crap!

He sounds like the candle from that movie.

Dr. Crane, a word?

Now, I know I may not

"pay rent" or "utilities,"

and, yes, I may have semi-permanently borrowed

- your immersion blender, but... - Oh.

I thought I lost that. I bought a new one.

Oh, great. We're good, then.

But, technically, you are my landlord.

And, uh, the heater's on the fritz,

the buzzer's broken, and there is a beehive

right outside the front entrance.

I am a Freudian therapist.

What you need is a bee-hive-ioral therapist.

I'm working extra shifts to afford a new crib

- for my infant son. - Yes, all right.

I'll get on it right away.

Oh, oh. That's Provost Sharma.

Uh, I'm trying to impress him.

Would you get me a Bordeaux, please?

Uh, no, no, no. Make it a... a Hibiki 21.

And-and please, try to imply that I appreciate

the finer things.

Can do. And also, uh, when you tip,

just remember the distance between our tax brackets.

- Dr. Finch. - Well, Dr. Crane.

What a surprise I did not expect or choreograph.

Do you remember Provost Sharma?

Oh, I believe we met briefly

- at the club. - Yes.

- Dev Sharma. Charmed. - Yes, of course.

What a pleasure to see you.

And such a pleasure to be in the company

of a fine administrator.

You make Provost DuBois look like Provost Rigby.

Well, someone's a regular Provost Schechter.

- Oh, Olivia, he is delightful. - Oh...

Oh, actually, don't you have a meeting

with the review board coming up about becoming a professor?

Oh, I... I'd completely forgotten.

Between all my lectures and my memoirs

and the charity work I do secretly,

which I don't talk about because that's not the reason I do it.

I'm so glad I came.

You know, I was on the fence when I realized

we were meeting at a bar.

- Oh? - I'm so sorry.

I'm just sensitive about our faculty drinking.

We've had some issues lately.

I don't want people to think our educators are

gin-soaked booze hounds swilling about

with no regard for academia.

Frasier!

I completely agree with that. Oh, my goodness.

The bar is not a place for a Harvard man.

But I... The only reason I came in here

was to actually get directions to the Boston Symphony.

So, you're not much of a drinker?

Oh, no. Uh, once in a very great while,

I will occasionally have...

Oh, Dr. Crane, there you are.

I forgot if you wanted your usual wine or whiskey.

Oh, barkeep.

You've got me mistaken with someone else, surely.

Don't be so modest.

- No, no. Eve. Eve. - This man here--

- he's our best customer. - Eve. Eve. Eve.

He's tried every vintage in the house.

- Eve. Okay. - Rye, whiskey,

- domestic, imported... - Okay, thank you.

Thank you very much.