Gotcha!

Hey, watch it, man!

- Watch it! Get down. - Hey! What?

- What's the matter? - You're not gonna shoot me, are you?

Oh, don't worry. I didn't... I didn't really shoot him.

It's just a paint pellet. It's just a game.

- Shit! - Gotcha.

- I'm this close to gettin' away. - Right.

- Are you out of your mind? - Oh, no, really, it's just...

It's a bunch of us, we play. We hunt each other around campus.

- You stained me, ya jerk! - What?

- You just stained my sweater. - I'm sorry. Where?

Would you get away from me, okay?

Look, I-I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cleaning.

How can I make it up to you? I'll take you to dinner tonight.

I don't believe you.

You run around here playing Cowboys and Indians.

You smashed into me like a complete creep. You destroy my $60 sweater.

And you've got the balls to ask me to go out with you?

Yeah.

You are without a doubt the biggest asshole...

I have ever seen in my entire life.

Does that mean no?

Don't worry about it. Tonight's no good for me either.

Aw, damn!

- Gotcha. - Yeah, man.

Aah!

Gotcha.

- Muffy? - Yeah. Who are you?

Jonathan Moore. I'm in Professor Webster's class.

- Oh, yeah, hi! - I was... Hi!

I was just, uh, wondering if you were doing anything Saturday night.

Uh, no, I don't think so.

- Well, would you like to go out with me? - No.

But you just said you weren't doing anything.

Mm-hmm.

You mean you'd rather do nothing than go out with me?

Yeah.

- Jonathan, wait up! - Hey, Manolo.

You didn't wash the dishes this morning, again.

I didn't?

We're supposed to share housework, remember?

Jesus, Manolo, are you my roommate or my mother?

Hi, Manolo.

- Who was that? - I don't know.

You don't know?

- I almost got nailed this morning. - By who?

- Reilly. - Reilly? Reilly's a puss.

He ambushed me outside of Haines Hall. I didn't even have my gun.

- So what did you do? - Hid in a bush, and he walked right by me.

You're a regular James Bond, man.

Yeah, except James Bond had Pussy Galore. I can't even get a date.

Ordinarily, we don't... we don't get this type of specimen in an undergraduate class,

but I wanted to give you something to remember over Spring Break.

Now, when we have a sick cat like Tony here,

He's gotta be tranquilized...

in order to do the examination.

Now, the name of the tranquilizer solution is...

Sernylan,

which I understand is very popular at your parties.

- That's why we keep it locked up here. - She told me...

she would rather sit at home and do nothing than go out with me.

What's wrong with me, man?

- You're too negative, man. - Negative? What's negative about,

"Will you go out with me?"

The way you say something is just as important as what you say.

Now, this is where the tranquilizer gun...

And darts... come into play.

You gotta control the situation. You can't say,

"Uh, will you go out with me? Huh? Please?"

Like you've never gone out in your life.

You just look 'em in the eye and you say,

"What time should I pick ya up?"

...insert a dart...

When we go to Paris,

you gotta let those Frenchwomen know that you've got your act together.

Always point the gun away from the head and towards the lower flank.

Go ahead. Make my day.

I don't know, Manolo, I think it's hopeless.

I'm never gonna get laid!

Although that thought may be of great comfort...

to the women of the world, Mr. Moore,

as a future veterinarian, you should know that...

every dog eventually has his day.

I mean, you just walk up to her and you say, "I would kill or die to make love to you?"

No. Geez, no. You gotta have eye contact first.

You look, she looks, then you say it.

Don't say it like it's dirty.

Say it from the heart.

Then it ain't dirty, it's passion.

You goin' back to the apartment?

Nah, I gotta go to my folks' house.

Your dad still givin' you a hard time about goin' to Europe?

You kidding? He "loves" the idea.

- It's out of the question. - Why?

We've been through this a hundred times.!

Europe costs a fortune.

Dad, I told you, I'm getting a special deal through school.

- Jonathan. - Oh, thanks, Rosario.

You're welcome, Jonathan.

Look, it's part of my education. You want me to get an eduction, don't you?

When school's in session, you get an education.

When it's not in session, you get a job!

- Mom... - Don't say "Mom."

Al...

Don't say "Al." He says "Mom," you say "Al,"

and the whole thing comes out of my pocket.

You're gonna learn a hell of a lot more workin' in the real world...

than you will chasin' skirts around Pomona.

- Pamplona. - "Pamplona, Pomona..."

I don't care if it's Cleveland. You're not goin'. It's out of the question!

Why does it have to be either/or with you two?

You want to go to Europe, you want him to go to work.

- Why can't you do both? - Fine.

- Fine. - Fine? It's not fine. Why is it fine?

Because it is.

It'll give him a chance to pull up his grades next quarter.

And just think. A week in "Paree" and he'll come back sounding just like, um...

Marcel Marceau.

Fantastic. Dad, can I borrow your camera?

It's not a camera, it's a Nikon. And it's out of the question.

- Mom? - Al.

Everybody is speaking French.

It's like a second language to these people.

E-Excuse me. You are American "boys-eh"?

- Yeah. - You want a taxi to Paris?

- No, thank you. It's too expensive. - No, no.

- We're gonna take the, uh, bus here. - No, no, no, no.

I make special price for you because you are American "boys-eh."

It's cheaper, faster, and much, much safer, hmm?

Come with me.

- Shall we go? - Why not? It's cheaper and faster...

And much, much safer!

- Jesus. - You boys are in a hurry?

Hurry? No, it's okay, you can take your time.

- Oh, man... - Bastard! Get out of my way!

Where'd you learn how to drive? East L.A.?

- Safer, huh? - Man, let me out of here.

- How much do we owe you? - Uh, 400 francs.

Four... Wh... I'm sorry, but the-the meter says 200.

Oh, yes. Two hundred for you, and two hundred for him. That's four hundred.

- Thank you. - Wh-What's that for?

- Uh, le service, the tip. Merci, au revoir - Service the tip?

You can't want a tip for that ride!

I think we just got ripped off, amigo.

It's because we're American "boys-eh."

This is the Champs-Elysee, man. Biggest shopping street in the world.

The Arc de Triomphe's up there. This is Paris.

Look at those Eiffel Towers. We're talkin' "eyeful" here.

What you doin'?

Excuse me, madam, I'd like to talk to you one minute.

I want you to meet my friend. His name is Jonathan.

- Jonathan, this is madam. - Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?

- Quoi? - Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?

Oh, you asshole.

She likes you.

What'd she do that for? I just asked her out for dinner.

No, no, no. You asked her if she would like to go to bed with you tonight.

- I did? - I thought you took French.

I did take French. I mean, I can say,

"This is my pencil, my pencil is big," that kind of stuff.

Under the right circumstances, that could be useful.

Yeah?

Yeah.

We gotta find those circumstances, Manolo.

Thank you.

This is all in French, man. I can't understand this.

Ah, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Can you understand that? - Oui.

Manolo, look at this place. It's incredible!

It says here there are over 208,000 works of art.

And that's like Roman, Ancient Greek,

the Mona Lisa.

- "Venus de Milo's here." - Yeah, you mean the chick with no arms?

Yeah, that's the one.

I mean, this is the palace where the French kings lived before Versailles.

And then Napoleon turned it into the biggest museum in the world.

- What is your name? - Heidi.

I am Carlos, from Algeria. Have you heard of me?

- Isn't there a terrorist named Carlos? - Shh!

I need your help. I need you to walk with me to my hotel.

I cannot walk the streets of Paris alone.

- Will you help me? - I don't know...

Shh! Say no more.

I shall return.

- What's goin' on? - I'm in!

- You're in? - Her name is Heidi.

Heidi?

She's Swedish. We're goin' back to the hotel.

Manolo, how'd you do that so quickly?

Told her my name was Carlos, man, and I just got back from Algeria.

She thinks I'm a terrorist.

Swedish chicks go crazy for that shit.

So, give me two hours before you head back to the hotel.

Well, wait a second. Maybe she's got a girlfriend or something.

Hey, no offense, but uh... I'm a terrorist.

I can't be seen with somebody who looks like Bambi.

I don't look like Bambi.

Okay, so you don't look like Bambi.

Why don't you go check out the Eiffel Tower?

I already saw it.