Impastor

Along with Barlow's identity,

I took his life savings

and put it all in a rock solid investment:

the Steelers minus 3 1/2.

Pastor Barlow?

I'm Charlotte Nelson.

Thank you for coming to Aunt Ruby's wake.

Happy to be here...

on this most solemn occasion.

I took the liberty of writing up a few

facts about Aunt Ruby that you can use

at the eulogy on Wednesday.

"Amateur yodeler...

avid quilter...

liked eggs...

Impressive life.

I'll be sure and use these.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Two seconds to go.

Come on, baby. Field goal wins it...

No. No. Jesus, no!

Why did she have to die so young?

Ruby was 88.

88?

That's like the new...

78.

Pastor Barlow,

I don't think you've met my lovely wife, Hilva.

How ya doing?

Hilva's family has owned this mortuary

for three generations.

We've buried most of Ladner.

Well, hopefully they were dead first.

Of course.

We require a coroner's certificate

before we'll even begin

planning the internment.

I was just making a joke.

Oh.

I'm not a fan of humor.

Excuse me.

I must go provide warmth and comfort

to the grief-stricken.

She's quite a catch.

Thank you. It's interesting.

We were high school sweethearts

and have been together ever since,

except for a brief time when she was off at Embalming School.

- But... - How romantic.

Alden.

The dumbass Steelers

had blown every penny Barlow had.

Plus the extra 5 grand I'd bet on credit.

I needed some cash.

And fast.

Thank you for coming, everyone.

The visitation is over now.

What I was considering was pretty low,

I had to look deep into my soul

and ask myself one question...

Is anyone watching?

Okay, I want the silk shift

paired with the box clutch.

I said clutch. That is a purse, Gladys.

How are the models doing?

Oof, it's Spanx on Spanx over there.

When do I get to see the dress?

Just came in.

Courtesy gasp or real gasp?

Real.

When you strut the runway in that dress,

the whole world is gonna know

Alexa Cummings is the fashion queen

of the tri-county area.

I know! It's gonna be such a big night for me.

And for the sick kids.

Yeah, them too.

Hey, guys. Listen.

I know you're super busy,

but I just wanted to help out,

despite the fact that I was not reelected

to the fundraising committee.

Dora, we all know you were the scapegoat

for the tainted cookie dough drive.

No, no, no, no, no.

I take full blame.

Although Kim Brooks

did leave them overnight in the trunk of her car.

Anyhoo, have I ever told you about

my online store, a-Dora-ble Creations?

"Lifestyle designs for the modern woman,

handmade by Dora herself."

I guess I have.

Anyway, I made some accessories

that I thought the models

could wear in the show tonight.

I call them "Owl-Rings."

Aren't they a hoot?

And a holler.

Yeah, it's just...

I'm afraid to give the models

any last-minute changes,

especially with some of them

going through the change.

Denise is a sweaty powder keg.

You understand.

Yeah, of course. I mean, I was just trying to help out.

But, hey, it's your show.

Thanks.

It's always your show.

Being new to town,

I had no way to fence stolen merch.

So I called the only person I knew who might:

Ashlee, my hooker.

So you want to go somewhere

or is this a car jacking?

Hold on.

I just want to talk.

One of those.

Price is the same.

Do you know anyone who might be interested

in a beautiful,

superexpensive ruby necklace,

no questions asked?

Yeah, I know a guy.

Yeah?

I'm the guy.

I get a lot of "superexpensive" gifts.

I like to know who's screwing me.

So to speak.

How much is it worth?

15, maybe 20.

Thousand?

Dollars.

This is just colored glass.

Shit!

So you want to do something or what?

Time is money.

What can I get for 20 bucks?

Blue balls.

I couldn't believe

Aunt Ruby screwed me like that.

Now, where the hell was I gonna get 5 grand

to pay back my bookie?

Buddy, don't forget tonight is Alexa's fashion show

put on by Alexa at Boutique Alexa

in the United States of Alexa.

Is something wrong between you and Alexa?

You know me so well.

You know, just because I'm not some

sophisticated, big city fashionista,

it does not mean that I don't have good taste.

Or feelings.

What's this?

Oh, that's, uh...

That's a gift.

Ooh. It's so fancy.

Who's it for?

It's, uh...

For you.

For me?

But... why?

For being the most...

awesome church administrator I've ever had.

Buddy, you're so sweet.

Just when life knocks me down,

you pick me right back up.

Are these rubies?

Yeah.

But they're yours now.

- Oh, oh, oh! - Oh, my god.

I'm terribly sorry.

Look what I've done.

It's just water.

I've had a lot worse things spilled on me.

Oh. Well, here. Here.

Please.

Oh, just when I thought

there were no more gentlemen in the world.

Thanks.

My pleasure.

You know,

you have the bluest eyes I've ever seen.

[springy orchestral music continues]

Pastor Barlow,

this is difficult for me to say.

I understand.

Death's a bummer.

Just let it out, my suffering lamb.

Your assistant Dora stole my Aunt Ruby's necklace.

I'm going to the police.

Charlotte.

I think you're mistaken.

Dora's the most honest person I know.

Pastor, I know what I saw.

She was wearing Aunt Ruby's necklace.

It's a one of-a-kind priceless heirloom.

I'll give you "heirloom."