Calamity Jane

Trying to freeze me and the kid before we get to town, Marshall?

It's colder than the balls of hell in here,

Bowels, dumb shit,

What?

Never mind,

- The fuck you say? - Sit the fuck down, Floyd,

Settle down, Jane,

Nah, she ain't her,

Whoa, whoa!

I wouldn't go out there,

Yeah, Why not?

Doesn't smell right,

Deputy?

Stay here,

Can I help you, ma'am?

Got thrown, Horse took off,

Messed up my leg,

Let's move!

What is it?

- You wanna let me out of these shackles?

Jesus, Deputy, he's just a kid,

I won't hesitate to shoot you,

Hey, are you really Calamity Jane?

Stop your whinin',

Alton wants your coachin' horses,

and your guns of course,

And any other valuables you may be carrying

on your persons or otherwise,

- Okay, on the count three, - What? Wha--

One,

Press down,

I am the Deputy Sheriff in the city of Deadwood,

transportin' these prisoners back to face justice,

And?

I'm afraid we're at an impasse,

I'm not surrendering this stage,

Get,

Take your time,

Whoa! Whoa,

- What are you doin'? - Well, I appreciate the help,

but that don't change the fact you got a date with the judge,

You no-good son of a--

Where's Slaughter?

Didn't make it,

Goddamn it,

How'd our cargo fare?

Two out of three,

Come on,

Calamity fuckin' Jane,

You need to get that kid a doctor,

I need to get you both in that cell,

You swore an oath,

In a land built on broken oaths?

He'll get a fair trial if he lasts that long,

Now,,,

if I were you, I'd be a little more concerned

about my own prospects,

Keep watch, Deputy,

It'd be a shame if anything happened to them,

Go on,

Yeah, from what I hear, your sheriff ain't much for following the law,

Rumor has it, he likes being judge and executioner,

You okay with that?

What about me saving your ass?

You think saving a couple lives absolves you of your sins?

Well, shit,

I figured it couldn't hurt,

Calamity,,,

Calamity Jane?

You know who I am?

No, Nor do I give a buffalo shit,

Well,

I'm wanted for murder in five states,

He says they gonna hang me in the morning,

Well I tell you a little secret?

Ain't the first time that they try,

I ain't yet done leaving my mark,

Hey, Hmm,

My brother's coming tomorrow to bust me out,

I might let you come with us if you ask nice,

I'm good,

You best not piss me off,

or you're gonna be,,,

next,

Yeah, that's right, Take a nice look,

Hey,

Keep it down in there,

You're exactly the firestorm I imagined, Calamity Jane,

Calamity Jane,

Calamity fuckin' Jane,

Whose the letter for?

- Nobody, - Nobody?

You mean ain't nobody gonna read your letter?

It's not a letter, It's a book,

A book?

I was covering the war for Harper's Weekly

until the killing got to me,

Family's torn apart, fighting one another,

it was a rotten deal,

So I headed out West and here I am,

A writer,

Damn,

What's the book about?

So how'd you get the name Calamity Jane?

I'm guessing your mama didn't call you that,

Now, Deputy, you're not thinking about putting little old me

in your book now, are you?

They called me Martha,

Mama died of pneumonia when I was 12,

Pa two years later, leaving me to raise the family,

Now, Calamity,

You're gonna wanna write this down,

Oh, well, is it-- is it story time now?

Sure is, And I'll be sure to use small words for you,

- Hmm, Hmm, - Now,

Calamity,

That name was given to me by good old Cap Egan

when we was fighting Indians just south of Goose Creek,

They ambushed us about a mile from our post,

Cap Egan takes an arrow and nearly dies twice falling off his steed,

and I snatched him up before they could maul him and took one in the gut,

When we got back to camp,

he got the whole regiment together,

made a toast,

To Calamity Jane, Queen of the High Plain,

Or some shit like that,

Memory gets a little murky on account of the whiskey,

Sounds like bullshit to me,

Hurts worse than a conversation with a priest when it rains,

Oh, that's a nice one,

You ever get tired of it?

Imagine a lot comes along with a name like Calamity,

I suppose,

But now, history doesn't remember Janes,

No, it don't,

Or Abigails,

Based off the beautiful voice,

coach full of arrows tells me that I'm in the right place,

About time,

- Can I help you, sir? - Backin' the fuck up

would be a good start,

Holy shit,

Well, if it ain't Wild Bill himself,

Ooh, you guys have a collection

of real nasty folks here, don't we?

Got no quarrel with you as of yet,

- Mm, ooh, - Or the law,

I'm just here to see my wife-to-be,

Aw, Ain't that sweet,

Heard the coach got shot up, Just wanted to make sure that you were--

I'm fine,

as I can be under the circumstances,

You smell good,

I smell like sweat,

That's what I said,

You left this,

Aren't you gonna put it on?

I got something else for you,

Do, you remember

that little plot of land outside Lewis County?

Place with the wildflowers?

And the orchard with the little apple trees,

It's ours now,

So what?

Wild Bill Hickok's just gonna settle down and become a fuckin' farmer?

That's exactly what he's gonna do, with you,

Maybe a few little ones running around,

Ugh,

Now, what trivial matter did you arrest my wife-to-be for?

She got drunk and robbed some ranchers,

They were thieving wrestlers, They besmirched my honor,

and I wasn't drunk,

Well, I can still smell the whiskey,

I'll talk to the bellman in the mornin',

We'll have you outta here 'bout midday,

When the times are getting dark,

and the night things are growling at you,

remember to lean on the good work of the Lord for guidance,

Nothing wrong with spreading the word of the Lord,

Yeah, well,

we don't see too much of the good Lord here in Deadwood,

Promise you'll go straight to sleep and wait for the magistrate,

Of course,

No drinking,

No cards,

I love you,

No fuckin' cards, Bill, I mean it,

I heard you, High noon tomorrow,

- Deputy, - No fuckin' cards, Bill,

What are you doin' with that killer?

You and I did some killing earlier ourselves, Deputy, or did you forget that already?

That was different, We was defending ourselves,

Right,

There is a darkness in his eyes,

- Is that right? - You're different,

You ain't got what he got,

You sure about that?

You don't know shit about me,

There's good in Bill,

He just needs a little salvation is all,