New Girl

Guess what! I got balloons.

From a guy in a van.

I love this neighborhood.

I just love it.

Oh, what does that...? "Me so horny." Very good.

"No credit, no problem!" And "Happy 100th, Jane!"

I don't think she made it, but she lived a good life.

Shut up!

Who booby-trapped me?

Stop! Shut up!

It's my mom.

Get off of me!

- Yeah, Mom, hey. - Nick's just mad

'cause that punk-ass balloon beat his ass.

Hey, no huffing. Come on, guys.

Take these seriously, Winston.

I didn't buy the balloons to have you guys...

If you do that one more time, I'm gonna break your faces in.

Uh, my dad died.

Yeah, I guess he had a heart attack.

I got to go back to, uh, Chicago

and, uh, go to the funeral and everything.

Well, are you guys gonna say anything or...

- That's terrible, Nick. - Wow, we're so sorry.

If there's anything we can do, please.

Come here. Not Walt. Just...

- Give me a hug. - Nick.

We love you.

Love you, Nick.

Stay strong.

So this is where Nick Miller grew up.

Well, except for the fall of '88 to spring of '89.

That was our van year.

I just want you to know

- I am here for you. - Okay.

I'm gonna be strong for you, man.

You know, I really did love Walt.

He was my dad, Winston.

Yeah, but, I mean, he loved me more than he loved you.

- He told me that. - Yeah, he told me that, too, actually.

Sorry.

- You okay, Schmidt? - I didn't want

to make this about me, but...

the airline lost my bag.

I wanted to look fantastic

for your father's funeral.

Now I have nothing but the schmatta on my back.

All right. Let's do this.

Uh, Jess, we should warn you.

Nick's family-- a little crazy.

- It's called pop! - Just call it soda.

- It's soda, all right? - It's not! It's not!

Hey, Uncle Nicky. Hey, man.

- No, it's called soda. - It's called pop!

It's called soda. It's called soda.

Why would you call it soda if it's pop?

- You call your dad pop! - Hey.

- It's Nick. - Hey. Nickels.

My brother Nick's back, guys.

- My condolences, all right? - Hey, thanks for making it out.

Sorry about that. Your brother's being a douche.

Yeah. I'm not being a douche! I'm emotional!

- Oh, God... - You've been a douche all day.

- I mean, why? - I know. I know.

You been... you been crying a bunch, buddy?

- No. - He'll get your shoulder all wet, too.

Hey, look, don't do the hair-pull. It's so intimate.

- You okay? - I'm not okay!

Jamie, here's what I need you to do: Grab a bunch of kids

and teach them how to build a snowman outside.

I can't do that! I already did it already!

- He put the carrot in the crotch. - Why'd you put the carrot in the crotch?

- 'Cause they told me to! - They're kids.

Those kids are cool! I wanted to hang out!

Don't trust cops.

Nicky!

- Hey, Ma. - Oh.

Oh. I miss him, Nicky.

- Yeah, I know, Ma. - That bastard was a saint.

A saint.

The bastard.

I know. Come here. Hey.

This is getting very personal. May...

Maybe none of us should go to the funeral.

The early buzz on this thing is that it's gonna be a real drag.

- So what still needs to get done? - We need to, uh, get the groceries,

- uh, plan the funeral, call the paper... - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you say "plan the funeral"?

That's why you're here, Nicky.

You take care of everything.

- I got the napkins! - Oh, that's so hot.

- Great, Jamie. - Is Nick taking care of people?

Yeah, with Pop-Pop coming and going, Nick had to step up

and be the man of the family.

Pretty much takes care of all of them.

Don't laugh when they call him responsible.

They don't know why that's hilarious.

Um... Oh... Hi, Mrs. Miller.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

- If there's anything I can do to help, I... - Who are you?

- Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Jess. - This is Jess, my new roommate.

- Um, so nice to meet you. - I've told you about her.

Winnie and Fat Schmidt I know. Hey, boys.

I just wanted to say that

I'm here and happy

- to do anything. - Is she a Spanish?

Um... I'm from Portland, Oregon.

Land of books.

Trailblazers.

Hmm.

Are you guys, uh...

- Jamie, I'm begging you to shut up. - Your father always wanted

to have a funeral just like Elvis had,

so that's what we're gonna give him.

- A funeral like Elvis had? - That means...

12 white limos and an Elvis impersonator...

Dad's gonna get the funeral

you want him to have, okay?

So tell me what needs to get done,

and I'll just do it.

Oh, the eulogy.

You...

- you'll do the eulogy, right? - Oh...

I don't think I should do it.

You just say a bunch of nice stuff all in a row.

- Do it, College. You got it. - Nick, you have to.

- You should do it. - Come on, Nicky.

You should do it. Do a good poem. Do one of your good ones.

Come on, man. You got to.

Yeah, okay. Sure. I'll, uh...

That's my boy.

He takes care of everything.

- Hey. - Hey, Jess.

It's like a whole secret life for you.

You're not even looking at the numbers.

Aunt Ruthie used to call this the Iron Jew.

Wow.

Are you having time to process this?

Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out

the level of Elvis impersonator we can afford.

Uh-huh.

And I think a white one's out of reach.

Is there anything I could do to help?

- The eulogy. - Sorry?

Oh, that would be really helpful 'cause that's been getting in my way a little bit.

I didn't really know your dad except...

the one hour that I committed fraud with him.

That's all there is to know, really.

I think that's, you know, one task

I think maybe is better if you...

Look, I've got to figure out an Elvis theme.

You know, Elvis-themed flowers and food and music all in a day.

I just... You asked if there was anything

you could do, and there is.

Okay.

- Yay! Thank you. - I'll do it.

- Yeah. - Oh, you are the best.

- Hey, Nick. - Yeah.

For Elvis-themed music, what about Elvis?

I'm really... I'm so slammed right now.

I can't hear, like, new stuff.

Looking good, man. This was Walt's best suit.

Look at all these buttons, Winston.

I look like a remote control.

- It looks good. - I can't mourn in this.

- I don't even know how to use these buttons. - Hey, look,

we're not mourning, okay?

This is a celebration, you know? That's what funerals are about...

Winston, I just can't go to the funeral, okay?

- I don't want to go! - What the hell is the problem?

Look, I really want to support Nick. I do.

I want to support his family.

I want to be there for him, but...

I'm scared of death.

Uh... wow. Uh...

Schmidt, you know, death is natural, you know?

It's a natural part of life. Everybody's scared of death.

Death, Winston.

Death. Death.

And let me ask you something, Winston:

What's with this open casket thing?

All of a sudden, I-I got to walk in

and I got to see the carcass?

That's crazy.

What if... what if his eyes open?

What if his eyes open, and then he comes

and haunts all of us? Why do... Why...

Literally, why are the buttons on here?

Because they're not holding anything together,

yet I don't know which buttons are buttoned.

How do you get this thing off, Winston?!

I don't understand this middle-class button system!

Get it off of me!

So I don't think I'm gonna go to the funeral, man.

I think I'm gonna hang back.

So, um, I'm helping Nick with the eulogy.

I'll give you the goods on Walt, Glasses Face.

My pop had a table at every diner in the city.

He had silverware from the finest hotels in the area.

He had a gold chain as thick as floss.