Couples Therapy

Upbeat music

Woo!

Let's go!

Ahh!

Woo!

Whoo!

Ahh!

If you ever change your mind

If you ever change your mind

Would you continue to make me the happiest person in

the world?

mellow ambient music

I broke it.

I broke it.

Yeah.

'You Just Don't Understand.'

Is that what the title says?

That's the title, yeah.

You should take that home and read it.

No, I should read the book 'I Just Don't Understand.'

I just don't understand.

I just... I just don't understand.

Shut up.

I just... ah, I just...

Shut up.

I don't understand.

Just shut up.

We met within the context of an open relationship at a time in

our lives where, you know, he, um... I was exploring things and

he was exploring different things,

and we kind of met.

Generally, what kind of things?

Um, a more... open sex life.

More sexually, sexually.

Yeah.

We were both exploring sexually.

Mm-hm.

So he and I are, separately,

serial monogamists, right?

From one relationship to another to another,

and I think for both of us, we realized sex doesn't have to

mean one person for the rest of your life,

it can happen within the confines of an

emotionally-committed relationship.

And I think that's what attracted both of us to each

other, right?

And created that bond.

Did you bring other people into your shared sex life?

Yes, mm-hm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And how did that work for the two of you?

Yeah, I think at the time, like,

I always looked at it as, like, we were kind of our,

like, exploration buddies, you know?

And that's kind of where the relationship flourished from

there.

And did that stop at some point?

So boundaries became a huge issue, and we did...

So who wanted what kind of boundary?

I think when we first got together,

the boundaries were that we only dated other people together as a

couple.

And then, you know, just scheduling issues became

difficult, whatever, and so she started dating someone on her

own.

So then, we decided to try that for a while.

But then, his boundaries were "Okay,

you can't go on long walks with them,

you can't cuddle, you can't do this,

you can't do that... "

Well, that's going way back though.

Hold on, hold on.

Meaning you can't do things that are...

I can't do "monogamous" relationship things with other

people, and...

You can do pure sexual...?

Just pure sex, show up for the sex...

Got it.

Put your clothes on, and come home.

Got it.

And for me, that's not sexy to me.

I don't operate, you know, like that.

So he had a problem with how I was going to be intimate with

someone else.

But then, when we were looking for other people to date,

he was having a hard time, because most guys will respond

to me, but for guys, it's much more difficult.

So sometimes, I would help him write the notes to the

prospects, right?

And it worked.

But I think when he started seeing other people,

there was that switch that flipped,

and all a sudden, "Oh!

Oh, I can do this with them.

Oh, I can do that with them.

Oh, that's okay, this is okay, so it's a free-for-all now."

So he would disappear for three to four hours,

not check in, no text, nothing.

And I think at that time, it wasn't so much I was jealous,

it was just, hello?

We're in a relationship where we have other people,

so you need to be more mindful of who your primary is.

This is someone who told me I can't do X,

Y, and Z, and all of a sudden, he's out doing X,

Y, and Z.

You were upset.

Yeah.

The deeper issue is really...

Feeling left out.

I feel fucking left out, and that's not what this

relationship is about.

That's not what...

What's... you're smiling because?

Because the irony is, like...

she's saying she feels left out.

It's always people trying to include her.

Like...

I love how you don't take any accountability for how you make

me feel.

It's not about them, okay?

What would you want Will to say?

What would be a way that he could convey to you that he is

taking some responsibility?

What would it sound like?

I guess I would love it if he says,

"You know what, you're more important to me than all these

other people."

Mm-hm.

Is there a way that you can communicate to her that she is

important?

That she is actually the most important?

I feel like anytime I tell her how I feel about her,

she just says, "No, you don't.

That's not how you feel."

Or...

So part of you feels defeated.

Yeah.

I try to reassure her with words,

she either calls it bullshit or says,

"No, you don't," you know?

Or I, you know, try to show her with small actions and things,

and she says that's not enough or that's not good enough or...

Mm-hm.

This is what causes me probably the most stress and anxiety in

this relationship is just trying to always figure out how to make

her happy and always failing at that.

Yeah.

And, yeah, I feel like I've racked my brain endlessly and

have lost countless hours of sleep over it and just...

trying to think of things to do and always coming up short.

Mm-hm.

Well...

what are you hearing, Ping?

Honestly?

Just a whole lot of whining.

"Bullshit," yeah.

That's what I hear a lot too.

Yeah, yeah.

Because, you know, he makes it seem like I'm this shrew running

around... "Pay attention to me, pay attention to me,

I need... I need this, I need that"... and I don't.

Wait, I'm a little, um, concerned about what's happening

right now.

Are you thinking for a second about what Will is saying to

you?

About his experience?

Yes.

And your response to that is that is a whole lot of...

Whining.

Whining.

It's hard to know what to do...

in my seat with that response.

Because if I can't rely on the two of you of having some

concern for each other, I don't know what we're doing here.

But this growing resentment that I have for him,

it's not from any one incident, it's from all of these incidents

where I see him choosing himself,

choosing his needs, putting his needs... putting someone else's

needs in front of mine.

So you know what?

Fuck you.

All I hear is whining.

I don't fucking care.

I am the person that he can come home to,

he can get comfortable, sit around and fart and be himself.

But he won't do that with other people.

Mm-hm.

You know?

He puts on his best self for other people,

not for me.

"Virginia Wolf" by The Procussions

She gets mad when I don't say enough

She mad when I'm around, mad I'm outta town

She tellin' me I ain't doin' much

And my job is only barely a job

I'm like a child in my sandbox playin' house

Oblivious to a fault, content being ignored

I'm absent, a bore, and on top of it all

Obnoxious, and I don't bring her flowers anymore