The Pick-Up Artist (The Pick-up Artist)

Hi, my name's Jack Jericho.

Hi. Hi, my name's Jack Jericho.

Has anyone ever told you you have the face of a Botticelli and the body of a Degas?

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Forgive me for intruding on you, but I may never run into you again

and may never know who you are so we can fulfill our destiny together on this planet.

What's your name? Eileen? Eileen?

God. Great name. God, brilliant name.

What's that?

How kind, really. God, I love the way you said that.

Eileen, can I be bold enough to ask you for your phone number?

Write it down? I have a photographic memory for everything important.

If your number isn't the most important seven digits in the cosmos, I don't know what is.

Look, I must run, but let me assure you...

this is only the beginning.

Excuse me. My name's Jack Jericho. I saw what you just did.

I want to say one thing, then I'll disappear and we'll never see each other again, OK?

- I love how you say that. What's your name? - Karen.

Karen. That's a phenomenal name.

Here's what was on my mind. I think you should get a medal.

You were brave, graceful and totally right. I wish I had a camera.

Guys like that give meeting strangers a bad name.

It was a personal affront to me cos I have a vested interest in meeting strangers.

Every woman that I've ever liked, communed with or given great satisfaction to

started off as a stranger, and only became known to me

because I followed the impulse I felt when I saw her, and said, politely:

"Hi, I'm Jack Jericho. I like you. Do you like me?"

In the name of men who truly appreciate, desire and respect women,

allow me to apologize for that buffoon, and to wish you great luck and good fortune.

Wait. Jack.

- Yeah. - That was very nice. Thank you.

- You're welcome. May I ask you a question? - OK.

- Can I have your number? - Got a pen?

I have a memory. I never forget something important.

- 689-2751. - Great pleasure meeting you.

- Bye, Jack. - Bye, Karen.

689-2751. Karen.

Hi. My name's Jack Jericho. I couldn't help noticing this outfit and the way you walk,

which is very exciting, and your terrific haircut,

and this great-looking dog. Hi.

- Is he dangerous? - Depends.

- My name's Jack Jericho. - You said that.

- I did. What's your dog's name? - Caligula.

Great name. And yours?

Doesn't really matter, does it?

Not at all. Maybe we'll run into each other again sometime.

- First American colony. - Jamestown.

- What year? - 1607.

- Hello. - Hi.

- Stan wants to see you. - When?

Tomorrow morning. He's meeting the board today to decide next year's faculty.

- Of which I am or am not going to be a part? - Doesn't look good.

- Why? What happened? - He wouldn't tell me.

- Thinks I tell you everything he says. - You do, don't you?

Thanks.

- How do you do that? - I could eat fire for you, Pat.

- I better go straighten out Stan. - Bye.

- Hey, Jack. - Hey, Billy.

- Throat's spelled o-a-t. - My brother sucks at spelling.

- You weren't in school yesterday. - Hi, Stan.

I had a sore throat. That's my excuse.

- Where are your parents? - London.

- Pat said you want a word with me. - I'm afraid so.

Talk to me. Richie, take Paul and Terry. Get the equipment. Baseball in three minutes.

OK, Mr. Jericho.

Jack, does the name Doris Merchant mean anything to you?

Doris... Doris, Doris, Doris, Doris...

The mother of Stephen Merchant Jr.

- He's in my third-grade... - Gym class.

Did you tell Stephen Merchant's mother

that she had the face of a Chagall and the body of a Rubens?

Did you?

Jack, you might also want to know that her husband, Stephen Merchant Sr,

is head of the organized-crime unit in the Manhattan DA's office.

Is there a crime against comparing a woman to a work of art?

Watch it, Jack, or you're gonna end up losing more than your job one of these days.

And another thing, Chagall's women aren't beautiful, and Rubens' women are fat.

Did anyone tell you you've the face of a Botticelli and body of a Degas?

The what of a who?

Has anyone said you have a magnificent smile and skin invented to be touched?

- No one who wasn't trying to pick me up. - And would that be a sin?

- A mistake. - Desire is never a mistake. Only rejection is.

It isn't going to happen.

How can you say that when your face is bubbling with curiosity?

Because my boyfriend's gonna be back any minute and if I'm not here he'll kill me.

- If you're not here, how will he kill you? - He'll find me. He has a lot of influence.

He's in there right now with the second-richest man in Colombia.

Really? Perhaps they should mambo together.

- What's your name? - Lulu.

Lulu?

- That's the most erotic name I've ever heard. - You better get inside.

What will I find inside that I haven't found in you? Name one thing.

- It's too late now. - For what? Who's this?

Lulu, I want you to say hello to Carla. She's a lingerie designer.

- Whatever you're selling, we don't want any. - I don't sell or buy. I just give and take.

Is that so?

How would you like to take a beating?

There's a polite way of doing things and a rude way. I don't respond to the rude way.

I do respond to death threats. Should I move on?

Get the hell out of here.

Make her feel at home.

Look, Fernando, I have just the girl for you. Her name is Carla. She's waiting in the car.

I told you, I want the redhead.

She's different from the others. I thought there was to be no problem.

Fernando, whatever you want, you're gonna have.

You know how much money I stand to make off this guy if I can keep him happy?

- What if she don't go for it? - She has no choice.

Don't get mad at me, OK? I'm Lulu, Alonzo's girlfriend.

I don't think you know what you're saying no to when you say no to Fernando Portacarrero.

Fernando isn't just rich.

If he was just rich, I'd tell you to say, "Take a hike, buster", but he isn't just rich, he's rich.

They're gonna do a whole segment on him for Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.

Look, I don't know you, but I don't care how rich he is.

Then why am I here?

Because someone important to me owes Alonzo a lot of money.

Alonzo thinks he can scare me into going with Fernando.

Alonzo didn't say anything about scaring anybody.

Well, what would you call it?

I'd call it trying to talk somebody into going out with someone rich for their own good.

I mean, rich is better than poor no matter what, isn't it?

You don't have any objections to money, do you?

For that kind of money I'll bet you've put up with worse. I have.

I don't care how rich he is. For me, sex and money just don't mix.

Now I see what you're saying.

Boy, is Alonzo gonna be furious.

You know who ought to be furious? You, with Alonzo.

- Why? - For sending you on an errand like this.

Hi. Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm leaving right now.

OK. I'll pick some up on the way home. Bye.

- Get in the car. - As soon as she gets out.

- Shut your face, Lulu. - Didn't anybody teach you manners?

- Don't bust my bones. Get in the car. - Would you get in and give up the space?

- What? - If you're gonna leave, leave now.

- Why? - I've known Alonzo for three years...

I haven't taken care of you yet, wise guy. Who do you think you're talking to?

- Forget it. - He won't know your name tomorrow.

- Now move. - Oh, yeah? Fat chance.

Get in the car.

- Not until she gets out. - Don't come home.

You don't see anything attractive about her, do you?

- Who? - Carla, the girl Alonzo went off with.

Are you crazy? Next to you? She's a pearl next to a swine.

I mean a swine next to a pearl.

You wouldn't go near a creep like her, would you?

Not with a switchblade to my Adam's apple.

If Alonzo thinks I'll ever speak to him again, he's crazier than people think he is.

- What's his name? Alonzo? - Bet your bottom dollar on it.

- I don't gamble. - I hope he doesn't see us here.

What are you talking about? You saw the way I handled him.

Besides, you're in my house now, and I am the master of my house.

Police! All right, get out of the car. Come on. Hands over your heads.

- I can't believe this! - Hands on the hood.

- Haven't you heard of the Fifth Amendment? - First Amendment. For privacy, go to a motel.

- I'm broke. - I suppose you're broke too?

- Not exactly. - What do you mean?

Would you excuse me for just one second? What does "not exactly" mean?

- I have a little cash. - 20? 10?

- Only hundreds. - How many?

- Six, but they're Alonzo's. - In your purse?

- Do you want to spend the night in jail? - No way.

Give me a hundred.

Do you have change of a hundred?

Thanks for helping out. By the way, what happened to Lester?

- Gluckman? He retired last week. - Send him my best.

You know what I really like about you?

You would never take a baseball bat and break some poor guy's kneecaps

just cos he said a few words to me.

- Are you talking about Alonzo? - Yeah.

Sometimes he'll follow me around all night in his car, hoping he'll catch me with some guy.

- Would you mind if I dropped you off here? - Not at all.

- How will we meet each other again? - The same way we met tonight. Fate.

So, honey, how much time are they giving me?

- I'm handling it, Dad. - How?

Dad, I'm handling it.

You must have been out late last night.

I woke up several times and looked in to say hello, but you weren't there.

I was out with friends. What happened? Did anything go wrong?

- I mean, did you need my help? - I was fine.

- That's it? - I'm full.

- I'll have to get rid of half the insulin. - Great.

- So eat the Fruitful Bran. - No more room.

Grandma, two bites of toast, three sips of orange juice?

That's not enough for a growing girl.

OK, now, brace yourself.

Now we get to play "let's find the digoxin".

- They were right there on the table. - When was that?

Not long ago.

With medication you have to be precise. One little mistake can do monstrous harm.

How'd you sleep?

So many dreams, Jackie.

Your mother in the convertible Plymouth, looking younger than you do.

- And dinner with Fritz. - Fritz?

He's from Vienna. You wouldn't know him.

- Are you all right, Jackie? - Great.

You don't know a diabetic crazy enough to eat a bunch of chocolate bars, do you?

No. No, that would be insane.

Here they are. Here, take your pill.