The Oh in Ohio

Breathe from your pelvis, and meditate on the movement of water.

Raise your Swadhisthana chakra. This is the sexual center of your being.

-Wayne. -What do you call a lawn without a pool?

Well, I call it a yawn.

Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...

...and I've been installing swimming pools in the Greater Cleveland area...

...since 1976.

Our service is classy, and the pools are definitely splashy.

So take the yawn out of your lawn and call me today for a free estimate.

Oh, Wayne. Come on in, the water's fine.

That water is fine.

"Dear Mr. Knudsen...

...I was delighted to hear of your company's interest in relocating to Cleveland.

Over the last decade, our city has transformed itself...

...from a decaying industrial town into a vibrant, world-class metropolis.

What was once 'the mistake by the lake' ...

...is now 'the roar by the shore.'"

Do you know how many times I've typed this letter?

No, but you do.

One thousand four hundred and eighty-two times.

How sad is that?

Oh, check this out.

It says here that 30 million American women suffer from sexual dysfunction.

-Can you believe that? -What do you mean by sexual dysfunction?

As in, no payoff.

Oh, I thought you meant something weird, like a physical abnormality.

You don't think 30 million women is weird?

We're talking about a chronic failure to achieve orgasm.

Think they could write about something important.

You don't think orgasms are important?

I'd shoot myself if I couldn't come.

Thirty million women would shoot themselves if they couldn't come.

Hey, teacher. You forgot your sandwich.

Nice performance, Jack.

-Good impression on the kids. -Hey, blow me.

You know, I'm worried about you, Jack.

You used to be the most popular teacher in Carmen High.

And now look at you. You're a shithead.

-You think it might be depression? -Why would I be depressed?

I'm a biology teacher in the Cleveland public school system.

Well, beside being the football coach, I'm also the school counselor this year.

So if you have any problems, I'm here to hear.

-Who taught you that? -I did. You like it?

It sucks.

I know it's hard to reach out, but you need help, Jack.

You wanna help me? Pass the steroids.

You know, I don't really believe in all this depression stuff.

I mean, it's very simple. There are men and there are babies.

And you, you're a baby.

I mean, every night, you go to bed with the most magnificent woman in Cleveland.

I mean, that'd be enough to make any man happy.

Good talk, coach.

I mean, sure would make me happy.

I mean, it would.

-I'm sure you can guess why we're here. -No way.

That's right. Yamaguchi Industries decided on Cleveland...

...and they're bringing 400 jobs.

Quite an achievement, considering the recession.

Congratulations, Miss Vice President.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

You can't really be surprised.

So how much is the raise?

I've got a lot of really creative employees, Priscilla.

And you know what? They're a dime a dozen.

But you're a rare breed.

You're creative, and you're predictable.

So awesomely, unbelievably predictable.

And that's the quality I prize most.

Yo, why are we wasting time with this textbook?

I could write this textbook.

-It's a college-level textbook. -Yeah, junior college.

You wanna learn something now? I thought you knew everything.

All right.

-Where'd you get it? -The cafeteria.

I need a volunteer.

You're all so eager. All right, who can name the subspecies it belongs to?

Right.

-G. pardalis babcocki. -That's absolutely right.

-Well done... -Kristen. Kristen Taylor.

Right, Kristen. Come on up here, Kristen.

Hey, Garbin. Wake up. Kill those lights for me, would you?

I want the rest of you to take some notes.

Garbin, kill the lights.

All right, can you properly identify each portion of the shield?

Sure. Over here's the marginal...

-...then the pygal, the costal... -Right. Yeah.

...the vertebral and...

The nuchal. N-U-C-H-A-L.

Some people say "nuchal," other people say "nuchal."

I say "nuchal," but that's because my people are from Russia.

Nuchal.

I got a promotion.

I'm a vice president.

Really? Way to hustle.

Come on, Jack. Be happy for me.

Yeah. We could do stuff. We could maybe even get a pool.

-I don't want a pool anymore. -Why not?

I don't want my belly offending the neighbors.

Here's to me. Congratulations, Priscilla.

Here's to you.

Congratulations.

Do you have any idea what your frigidity has done to me?

It's called sexual dysfunction.

I'm sorry. Do you have any idea what your sexual dysfunction has done to me?

No? Let me tell you.

You marry the prettiest girl in Cleveland, and you think:

"All right. Everything's going my way.

I mean, all right, we have this one little thing, but we can deal with it."

I mean, you know that joke, right? How do you make a woman come?

Who cares?

Well, after 10 years of failed fucking...

God, 10-- How many times you suppose that is?

We've had sex 1482 times, not including this morning.

Well...

...all my failure begins to take a toll.

I mean, look at me. Am I really the man you thought I'd become?

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

-What the hell are you doing? -Jack left. He moved to the garage.

He says it's because I have sexual dysfunction.

He said that?

-What an asshole. -No, it's true.

I'm one of 30 million nonexistent American women with sexual dysfunction.

When was the last time you were functional?

Sexual dysfunction, as in never in my life.

-You've never had an orgasm? -No.

Wow, that's just so weird.

What about masturbation?

-No, I don't do that. -But you have.

No.

You've never masturbated?

Never.

Strike three!

Caught looking. Looks like it's gonna be a long season for the Buckeyes.

What do you call a lawn without a pool? Well, I call it a yawn.

Hi, I'm Wayne the Pool Guy...

-and the pools are definitely splashy.

The water's fine.

That water is fine.

Let me see if I understand this.

You think that you're unhappy...

...because you feel that you can't give your wife an orgasm.

It's not my inability to give her an orgasm, it's her inability to have one.

If it's her fault, then why are you letting it ruin your life?

I don't care about the orgasms.

I gave Mary Slotnick six orgasms in one night.

Jenny Fitzgerald got the nickname Opera Girl because one night--

Okay, okay. We get it. We get it.

I mean, I have staying power, my penis is above average.

Well above average.

-Is that true? -I don't know. What's average?

Smaller than mine.

It's smaller than mine.

Now, Priscilla, do you feel that you fulfill Jack's needs?

-We have sex whenever he wants. -Do you enjoy it?

I've never thought of it in those terms.

But I suppose I don't not enjoy it.

-So it's a duty? -Yes.

-No, no. It's not a duty. It's... -I'll be honest here.

My wife is very good in bed.

-She is? -I am?

Yeah.

-You've given me a lot of pleasure. -Thank you.

But how can I feel like a man if I can't make you come?

Your inability to give me an orgasm is not the measure of a man.

It's what you make of yourself that determines your worth...

...not your performance in the bedroom.

That's horseshit.

So if you were in a car accident, became a paraplegic...

...and your penis didn't work, you would just give up on life?

You got it. Yeah, pretty mu-- Hey, no dick, no life.

-Can you believe this guy? -For many men...

...the center of the self is the penis.

Thank you.

Okay, well, let's say I'm willing to accept that. What then?

There's a simple solution to your problem.

There is?

-I can't believe that guy. -What an idiot.

"My name is Dr. Harry Lee."

"But you can call me Dr. Harry."

Oh, God.

-You don't need a vibrator, do you? -No.

I don't need a vibrator.

I mean, that's just silly, you know? We need to be daring, without batteries.

God. I don't get it. You're so close, and then it just stop--

-What did I do wrong? -You didn't do anything wrong.

Fifty million women in the United States...

...suffer from orgasmic dysfunction.

Fifty million.

But tonight, we are going to cut that number by 10.

Because tonight, we are going to learn...

...about the healing power of masturbation.

The greatest source of energy known to womankind.

Yes, yes, yes!

Now, I want you to write a name for your vagina.

Anything you please.

Satin Doll. Happy Hole. Betty.

Christen her. Own her.

It could be anything you choose, you know. All right, does everybody have a name?

Let's see. What have you got there?