Witches in the Woods

What was your Tom Brady story again?

That he called me the greatest person ever.

Oh, 'cause you're a fucking liar, dude.

What?

- Mm! - Whoa, Derek, slow down.

- Oh, baby. I'm on fire. - Oh my god pull over,

there's something seriously going wrong with your...

Don't you pretend like you're not into this.

That's actually what happened.

No fucking way, man.

On this week's episode of "Revisionist History"

brought to you by the grandmaster himself...

I embellish, I don't revise.

Bree, Bree, you better get used to this,

'cause when dating my brother, here,

he's got an alternative sense of reality.

He's also got this other thing, I can never remember the name,

- Oh, here we go. - it's... herpes!

- No. - That's right, it's herpes!

Shut up.

Yo, you're the one that gets that thing every time.

Wait, "alternative sense"? That's like "no sense."

He still believes that Megyn Kelly

was at our rush party in second year.

- But she was, guys. - She wasn't!

- She was! - She wasn't!

I had a whole conversation with her.

- Dude! - She's a very nice woman.

I'm the one that convinced her to shift political views,

- by the way. - You are in denial.

Yo, Jill. Jill, you remember Megyn, right?

- Jill? Jill. - All right, b-babe,

- Wait! - I'm sorry, but we... we're to...

We are in the wilderness!

- We... please! - Come on. Give it back.

This is so fascinating. They're calling me a liar back there,

and I can't get a single word out of you.

"Stakeholder Management."

This is... this is the eighth edition of this

fascinating document here. It sounds riveting.

Should we learn?

- Yes. - Alison? Learn!

Alison.

Guys, I need some knowledge.

Read some, read some.

Uh, okay. "To classify and prioritize

the value of a contributor to said fund,"

Please, drop more knowledge.

"one must evaluate risk and reward against..."

Hey Derek, I got a new idea.

- Uh-huh? Huh? - Roll down the window,

just to get some fresh air for a second.

All right.

- Where are we going with this? - Here's my new plan.

We find a bridge, we pull over,

and we just chuck Jill right off.

You... hey! Man!

- Funny. - This is my baby.

- I got your back, babe. - I know,

but we've gotta save you from this mind-numbing boredom.

- Oh. - We could throw the book out.

- Well, okay. Okay. - Don't you dare. Do not!

Should we throw it out? Yeah? Can we get a cheer going?

Throw it out! Throw it out!

No don't! Don't, come on!

Hello everyone back here.

Just a joke.

Little jokey-joke.

- Get that phone out of my face! - Okay, relax.

Relax?

Didn't seem to mind being filmed last time I checked.

Don't...

What is that?

- Uh... - Come on, man.

What the fuck?

Hi, officer. What's going on?

Logging truck overturned about a mile up.

- Road's closed, I'm afraid. - Closed? For how long?

Few hours, I'm guessing. Maybe more.

Where ya heading?

- Brook... - Berkshire North.

Berkshire North Ski Resort.

Best bet, go back to 7,

and then you have to loop around from there.

Well, how far is that?

50 miles, give or take.

50 miles?! No fuckin' way, bro.

- Dude. - Bro?

Sorry.

I'm gonna have to ask you to keep moving.

Yep, yes, sir.

Sure, thing, thank you.

I gotta go. You?

You want me to come with?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Hello? What? No, I can't talk.

Oh, uh... maybe not the best idea.

- Who the hell is she, anyway? - Bree?

Did you hear what she said to me?

Yeah, I'm sorry Alli, I didn't know she was coming.

Thought I could escape it for the weekend.

- Look, I know this can't be... - Easy?

No.

People just want to believe whatever they need.

- Will you wait for me? - Yeah, of course.

Hey, have you thought any more about um...

- You know. - Yeah.

If I continue with the charges,

they can come after me even worse.

I'm not sure it's worth it.

Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that's a risk but...

I feel like you'll regret it if you don't.

Besides, fuck 'em, right?

What?

Does your mom know you talk like that?

Oh, come on. I swear.

Sometimes.

I fucking love you, Jill.

Blue 42?

How's your shoulder feeling?

It's fine, it's still sore as hell.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Is uh... look man, a couple of the guys are...

wondering if maybe, uh...

- Yeah? - Uh...

You were... embellishing?

'Cause, I... I mean, like, I don't think you were.

I mean, why would you?

- Right? It's just... - Yeah, why would I?

It's just, okay, man, we could really use you

if these suspensions hold up, and you'd probably start, too.

The guys... they really want you to...

The guys didn't want me to play?

Is that what it is?

All right, Phil, what happened sucks.

- It does, but... - "But" what?

Look, between you and me, these guys are our friends

and now their careers, their... their lives, could be ruined.

For what?

- We don't know what happened... - They're not my friends.

Phil, I'm sorry man I...

Thank you.

Hey.

What's wrong?

Your friends hate me.

That's impossible.

They just don't know you.

What do you think she did?

- Copulated with the devil. - Hmm.

That or she spoiled last week's episode of Game of Thrones .

They're gonna love you.

Okay.

I'm taking this.

Go. Go.

Jill?

Jill?

Shit.

Help you with something?

I, um...

I thought that bears were hibernating in the winter.

Yeah?

Well not that bear.

Claw traps are illegal in Massachusetts.

What would you know about it?

Well, I... I know it's against the law,

and I can... prove it. Just...

So, do you know anything about bears

walking around out there in the winter

when they should be sleeping?

Why don't you use that little device

that's glued to your hand there

and look up "bear attacks, Western Mass."

- Service sucks. - Yeah.

Well, not for long.

See the clear-cutting that they're doing?

Because of that little computer there.

Well, it's disrupting the bears' habitat,

messing with its rhythms.

So the bear thinks that it's spring

and it comes out looking for food

but there is no food.

So the men working in the trees, they become the food.

What, so that makes it okay to just...

A dead bear is a dead bear.

It's better than a dead human.

Well, you can do it in a more humane way,

it doesn't have to suffer.

You haven't suffered a day in your life.

Have a nice day.

Hey.

What, does this make you feel like a man,

- Hey, hey. Hey, hey! - you can just

- kill an innocent animal? - Come on, come on, Jill.

- Huh? - Let's go, come on.

- Get off me! - Sorry, okay. Oh...

What's wrong?

I don't need you to...

W-what? Need me to what?

Step in like that!

- Yeah, really. - What's that supposed to mean?