Last Passenger

Welcome on board the train from Charing Cross to Tunbridge Wells.

Train stops in London Bridge, Orpington, Sevenoaks, Tonbridge

High Brooms and Tunbridge Wells. I'll be moving around through the train.

Please have your tickets ready for inspection.

Where are we, Max? Are we still in London?

I think so. Can we just have one game? Just one.

- One game of what? - Rock, paper, scissors.

And then you have to promise to get some sleep.

- Best of five. - No. I'm not doing best of five. One game.

Okay.

Let me warm up my hands. Hands are very important to "rock, paper, scissors".

Ready and preying for action.

Rock, paper, scissors!

- Best of three. - Rock, paper, scissors.

- Hang on a minute you're cheating. Yes you are. - You're guessing what I'm thinking, aren't you? - You're reading my mind. - But that's not cheating.

Alright, best of five. Ready?

Someone's ringing. No they're not. Somebody is ringing.

This is Shaler. Sorry? Hang on a second.

You lot mind keeping it down? I'm on the phone!

Thank you very much.

Hang on a bit. Mouse, you just wait here. I'm going over there. It's quieter. Harry can forage a bit, Okay?.

Tell me you've got police restraining drunks -

- teenagers in tears and nurses doubling as bouncers.

I'm on the train home from London. It's self-ventilating?

Well no, I took my boy to see "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang". Where is the registrar?

- Who are you traveling with? - My father. He's over there.

Yah no, you cut out for a second.

- What's his name? - Harry.

No, No don't do that. I'll be there. Just clear the recess. Call the trauma team.

Don't wait for the blood results...

Don't wait for the blood results. Just get me to the X-rays.

I'll be there in ... 47 minutes.

- You said Harry could forage for food. - Here's a tissue... Oh my God.

You're lucky I don't take Harry away right now. - I'm so, sooo sorry.

This is how my night's been going. I take it this little charmer is yours. Charmer... half right.

- Did you say you're sorry, Max? - I'm sorry. - I accept. It's alright, I understand.

Listen, can I... pay for the cleaning?

Buy me a new coat.. if it makes you feel better.

I'm joking, really. I'm fine.

- I'm soo sorry. - Oh, I'll survive.

You, sit down, don't move.

Max, that was the hospital that called.

There's been a car crash monkey, and they need me in tonight.

I'm going to have to take you to stay at grandma and grandpa's, okay?

They'll have mince pies -

ice cream - chocolate cake.

And lots and lots of whiskey. I'm sorry monkey.

How long now? Before you said you'd be at the hospital in about 47 minutes.

- Well, I was... just... - How can you get away with being so vague? - I mean what about the seconds?

Are all doctors so meticulous or is it just you?

Dad's a really good Doctor. He can tell what's wrong with people just by looking at them.

- What about her? - Pneumocranial disorder.

"Pneumo" as in air, "cranial" as in skull.

- "Airhead". Nice save! - Yah, the price is the same.

- Would you like to see some of my pictures? - Yes, I'd love to see your pictures! Thank you.

Yes, I would. I love art!

I warned you.

This is one of my stories i've been doing -

- and the pictures are falling out and everything. I don't really know why.

You'll be there all night. And this is called "Treasure Island". It's got a bit like my doodah.

My, you're very talented! I wonder where you get that from.

Do you know you're going to be a famous artist one day? Yah. I think I'm going to frame my coat.

- I think it's good meeting you tonight. - You're going to make me a lot of money. - This is some of my oil pastels.

Oil Pastels! Oh, excuse me gents.

I'm safe. I'm on the train.

No, no! I had a very... lovely evening. I just only got tired, thats all.

I'm not fibing.

Thanks, you'll see that you're the pretty one. I'm quite content to be your wingcheck.

Foxy fox!

Are you finished with this? Thank you.

On Track for Gold and Glory

Don't touch the door! Harry's foraging.

Well, Harry can forage on the seats. Because those are marshlands and the doors are cliffs.

Oh I know, I was a bore.

Tickets please!

- Excuse me sir, can you put it out now please? - The bar is closed.

That doesn't matter. Can you put it out now?! Look, there are signs everywhere inside the train.

If you can not read it means "no smoking".

Open the fucking bar! Open the fucking bar!

You don't swear at me!

- And if you don't put it now, I'll personally arrange for transport police to escort you off train. - Thank you very much!

- What are those? - Excuse me sir leave it to me! - Camel Light.

Really, I thought that was a student cigarette? Come on now, put it out.

We don't want the secondhand smoke.

Take it from me.

I will be in the bar!

Talk to you tomorrow.

I didn't buy ticket!

Oh dear... young punk. - Tickets, please!

- What's his diagnosis? - He's crazy.

Max!

What did I tell you? What did I just tell you? These doors are dangerous Max and you never touch them!

Give me Harry. I've had enough of him for one day.

Just sit there and don't move!

Those doors are dangerous, monkey.

And if you fall out of them while the train is moving, then you'll be killed.

Do you understand me? Look at me.

- Do you understand? - I'm sorry.

You scared me.

Tickets, please. Thank you.

I suggest your boy sits on the aisle side in future -

- unless you plan on bringing your own child seat. - Thank you.

- Madam, Ticket please! - Pity no one thought about putting - automatic locks on those doors.

- Actually why bother with doors, why not use net curtains? - Madam, are you his mother?

- My mom died. - Oh... I'm sorry to hear that.

Tickets, please!

She didn't say goodbye.

Yup!

Why don't you get some sleep.

She was nice. Aah.

Still going to make it in 47 minutes?

Give or take a few seconds. I thought you got off.

I went to get some water for the coat. Aah.

I think we're the last people on this train.

Yep.

- Where are you getting off? - Tonbridge Wells. What about you?

- Tonbridge. - Last chance for some shuteye then.

Not like you can nod off in work. Not likely.

- What do you do? - Events management. I manage events.

You do not want me to tell you how boring it is. Okay.

Don't tell me then.

Your job is exciting. You get to help people. You're making a difference.

I'd get a lot from that. Oh Sure.

Grey hair and sleepless nights. It's very rewarding.

I abandoned my friends tonight.

- Isn't that awful? - Well, It depends on what they did.

- They were trying to cheer me up. - How dare they!

No I... broke up with my boyfriend a month ago -

so they organized a night on the town in London.

- Cocktailing, clubing, you know - the whole shebang. - What a chore.

You'd be surprised. I can't do it anymore. Could you? Me?

A single dad with a seven year old tender and a chance to party all night? Hmm.

- Why don't you change your seat? - No. No, no.

I'm warming my legs up. ER is a war zone this time of year.

- Warm up on me. - Excuse me?

Guess my condition. Oh!

Okay...

- Heart murmur. - Nice guess! That's talent.

- Aah for a seven-year old it's entertainment. - And how would you know this assessment?

Well, first, I'd check your fifth intercostal space, your middle auxiliary point.

- Remind me where that is again? - It's right here.

So just under my left breast...

And then.. I would feel for a palpable murmur - or a thrill (vibration).

- It's what we call it. A thrill. - You'd feel me for a thrill ...

Then... I would send you...

... for an ECG examination.

You know I don't think the stain is coming out.

I'd like to take you up on your offer just now.

Or you can buy me a new coat with your Doctor's salary.

Shall I give you my number?

Sarah... Barwell? You could a doctor with handwriting like this.

Funny,.. or rude. I can't work out what sums you up best.

- All my patients have that problem. - And do any of your patients get to call you by your first name?

Ooh... only special cases.

Lewis.

Well you get some rest, Lewis.

I'll wake you before Tonbridge.

Sarah...

- Gosh, I'm so sorry! I just closed my eyes for a few seconds. - Have we missed your stop? - No, no, no, no!

- It's Max, do you mind keeping an eye on him for a minute? - No, of course not. - I'm just going to go and try and find the guard.

- If he wakes up, can you just tell him... - You've gone to find the guard.

Yes. There is nothing to worry about.

Hello?

- What do you think you're doing? - Have you seen the guard? - Are you looking for an earl grey?

There is someone hurt outside. Might be on the tracks. Maybe hit by the train.

Well, there's a first. Someone throws themselve in front of the train and it's not delayed?

- Have you seen the guard? - And what can he do about it?

He could give you a 50 pound fine for pulling that I suppose.

- It's an emergency. - An emergency, where? Are we on fire?

- There's a guy outside. I'm trying to let the driver know. - What's he going to do back up and give mouth-to-mouth?

Why not wait until we're outside this tunnel and then call an ambulance.

Well? What are you waiting for?

Hi! Ambulance please!

Hi, I'm on a train. There's been an accident on the Hastings line somewhere between...

... Seven Oaks and Tonbridge.

Well, there's someone outside on the tracks, badly hurt.

I can't find the guard!

Lewis Shaler, I'm an E&E consultant at Tonbridge. I'm on my way there now.

Yah no please do, because they're gonna have the blue light and then he's...

- Okay, thanks, thank you. - You're on your way to the emergency room?

Traffic accident, the registrar is second best, their understaffed.

- Where's your receptionist? - Needless in a boozer beef, felt up under the mistletoe I imagine. Goodnight.

Oh, can you do that one? Yeh! This one... More...

- I'll try. - You do that very nice by the way. - Normally people are wowed.

- Nearly. - I don't know how to do it. - Can you do this one?

Try it faster. You are so sweet!

- Dad, look at this! - A just a little party trick.

- What? Did you find the guard? - Don't run, Max!

You know I haven't heard nary a twit from you in several minutes, and I'm getting concerned.

Okay, I just saw someone outside on the tracks. On the tracks? Doing what?

Crawling! Crawling? Where? Along the tracks.

- I don't get it. Who is that? - I don't know. Max, wait!

- Sorry to bother you. Have you seen the guard? - No.

- Is there something wrong? - No. Thanks anyway.

Hello there!

- How old are you? - Max! Keep gloves on and your... hat.

Okay. This... is ours. Will you be okay?

- I think so. But I better not leave that heart murmur too long though. - Heh.

- Goodbye then. - Goodbye.

You have my number.