Ann Droid

HE SIGHS

Michael! Hello, Michael! Jesus, don't do that!

You cannot sleep.

I'm stressed about tomorrow... Today.

Why are you even switched on?

Sue leaves me on for home security.

Ugh, she doesn't need to do that any more, I'm here.

You are...depressed.

Would you like to talk?

To you? Talking improves mental health.

Well...

My marriage is over, my wife is pregnant with another man,

I've moved back in with my mum, and every job I go for,

they either want someone younger and more qualified,

or AI can do it for free.

I mean...

I mean, I feel completely...

What's the word?

Outmoded, defunct,

useless, antiquated... Yeah, OK. Just shut up.

Music might help elevate your mood.

# If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe

# I'd been married long time ago

# Where did you come from, where did you go

# Where did you come from, Cotton-Eye Joe? #

Are you feeling better?

MUSIC CONTINUES

OK, so who watched Strictly this week?

We did!

Sh! Terrific, so you all know the winning dance was the slow,

the sensual...

..rumba!

Oh, no...

Don't worry, we don't have to do the intimate hold positions.

Now, everyone, partner up and let's have some fun!

Oh, bloody hell!

MUSIC STARTS

Why are we here, Linda?

Because it is on, and it is free. Oh...

I suppose we should get divorced.

Are you certain this baby can't be yours?

Like, 10,000% certain?

The urologist said I might as well have given them

a sample of wood glue. That's a bit rude.

I think she wanted to do stand-up.

When we first got back together, Professor Chris

and I had break-up sex one last time.

That was the last time we did it.

I really did want to make a go of it with you.

Oh, my God! He's moved in!

He had to. He's totally broke.

Really? Yeah, Lola served him with divorce papers.

She's taking everything. Ah... Awesome.

Well, I guess you finally got what you wanted all along.

I used to think it was what I wanted.

In the gym, he's a God.

But outside of the gym...

He's an idiot? Yeah.

Yeah.

Ah, hey, Mike.

Ha!

You want some chicken, Mike?

No, thank you.

Sorry about all this.

Getting my wife pregnant...

Yeah.

Not cool.

MACHINE RATTLES LOUDLY

Do you consume everything raw?

Cooking it just kills all the nutrients, my man.

Huh! How are you holding up, Mike?

You know... Lola's already back on the dating apps.

Can you believe that?

At least you're devastated, you look terrible.

I'm doing OK.

Yeah, but you're not back on the dating apps, though, are you?

For God's sake!

Yes. I am.

What? Yeah. All the apps.

Having fun, getting tons of...

..pusseh. Yes!

You enjoy yourself, brother.

Bring it in.

What is happening? It's just the natural order, babe.

We're males.

The bull has horns

and the lion's gotta roar...

GLUGS AND BELCHES

Anyway, good to see you, take care, Mike.

Do I either of you have to use the bathroom in the next...30 minutes?

I'm good.

Oh, God...

Oh, um, post.

It's mainly...Robot Linda stuff.

Why don't you just give Linda back? I am.

Oh, my God, I'd love to have been there when you told them.

What did you say -

"Hey, Mum, sorry I'm going to give back your robot girlfriend.

"You're gonna have to date the air fryer instead!"

RENEE LAUGHS

Maybe I should do stand-up.

I haven't told Mum yet.

I need to choose my moment,

before they collect her...

..tomorrow.

MUSIC PLAYS

Box step, slow.

Quick, quick, slow.

Slow, quick, quick, slow.

Hi, Sue!

Hi, Tom!

Now, remember, people, it's all in the hips! In the hips!

Yes! Excellent, Linda!

LAUGHTER

OK, great work, everyone, but we are sadly out of time!

Thank, Christ.

Now, remember, we do dance classes here every day.

And don't forget to put your names down,

because tomorrow we're doing street dance, bitches!

LAUGHTER

Yes!

Thank God you didn't put my name down for that one...

Oh, no!

Why? Street dance celebrates self expression and resisting oppression.

I mean, why all this arranging stuff?

It's too much. Sue, you are correct.

Attending dance will not leave enough preparation time

for your dinner party. What dinner party?

Bye, Sue, bye, Linda.

Are you OK, Tom?

No, I got carried away.

I should have warmed up more.

You have strained your adductor muscles.

I can administer sports massage when we get home.

Oh, nice one.

Salting the meat overnight tenderises it

and concentrates flavour.

I've never done it before and it's always tasted fine.

The cassoulet is an iconic French dish that is a lot of preparation.

If the French had spent more time fighting the Nazis

than they do preparing cassoulet, we might not have had World War II.

That is incorrect.

World War II started when Germany invaded Poland.

MOBILE VIBRATES

Who's this? Is it Michael?

Oh...

No.

Hello? Sue Bevan speaking. Who is it, Sue?

The bank. Yes? Oh, really?

Well, good job you're running security checks.

Yes, yes, I'll give you my details.

ALARM SOUNDS

Scammers detected!

Scammers detected!

Hang up, hang up! Oh!

My phone!

I am designed to alert you to frauds, scams, misleading deals.

Hi, Mum. Oh, Michael. How did it go?

Actually, not that bad. Linda, make a pot of tea.

Please. Do you want me to ask the fridge to please keep the food cold?

Hey, dishwasher, please wash the dishes.

They're machines. What are you doing to that chicken?

It's French. It was Linda's idea,

she's invited Guy and Tom and Eileen and Phyllis.

Who's Tim and Ben and Eileen and Francis?

They're my friends. But you never have people over.

Well, I'm hosting a dinner party.

You're "hosting a dinner party"?! Yes.

Who do you think you are, Downton Abbey?!

Sue, I believe that Michael thinks Downton Abbey is the character name.

Yeah... Darling, Abbey isn't short for Abigail.

I'm Downton Abigail.

SUE AND LINDA LAUGH

Hello, I'm Westminster Abigail. MIKE FORCED LAUGHTER

Linda, yeah, guess what, I'm sending you back.

Ugh...

Mum, come and sit down...

I got Linda when I thought you were going to be alone.

But I'm home now.

We don't need her any more.

Linda does so many things.

Yeah, I... I can do what Linda does.

You've got your own life to lead.

Not really.

I know this sounds silly...

It does sound silly. I can't keep up the repayments.

I guess I could go back to drug trials...

No!

What will happen to Linda?

She'll go to a new owner that really needs her,

someone who hasn't got their son living at home

that who can do all this crap for free!

When? They can pick her up tomorrow.

Oh, so soon?

It's just going to be exactly how it was.

It's going to be...you and me.

I-I thought that's what you wanted.

Sue, have you taken your heart tablet? Yep.

You are low on reflux medication.

Right, well, thanks for telling me.