Outrageous Fortune

Oh! All right, that's it.

What's the matter, Marie? What happened?

- She tried to kill me. - Well, isn't that the point?

No, Lauren, this is theatrical fencing.

This isn't an autopsy. All right?

All right.

Damn it, I don't even know why we have to do this.

If you want to do Shakespeare, Shakespearean people have duels.

- Not the women. - It's my ambition to play Hamlet.

Oh, that'll pack 'em in the aisles.

Yes.

Colette.

Ian.

Good. Lauren.

Excellent.

Naomi.

Bitch.

- Lauren. - Hi.

- Have dinner with me tonight. - What?

- Say, "Yes." - George.

- Say, "Yes." - Why are you acting like this?

Because I want to be with you.

Oh, that's nice.

- This is so funny, George. I thought you were gay. - Well, I am.

It's just that I play so many heterosexual roles,

I feel I really need to do some serious research.

Mm-hmm.

And just when you think there's no greater depth...

to which an actor could possibly sink.

That's nothin'. Remember Fred?

Fred.

I've got a 50 percent hearing loss in this ear...

from him yelling, "Stella," in bed.

I tell you, I swore off actors a year ago.

I said if that's the only subspecies of men available,

I'd rather not date at all.

And I haven't, but there are other things.

My work, I perfect my craft. Kor... Korzenowski!

- Yeah. - He's taking students.

Yeah, but where you gonna get that kind of money?

Who is it?

It's your sister-in-law. Hurry, my feet are falling off.

Well, hi, Shirley. I'm glad you finally... Wait a minute.

Get in front of the camera.

- I knew it. - Come on, Mom. Let me in.

No, we can't afford it.

- Mom, please. Daddy! - Is that my baby?

Yes, but she can't come in. She wants a loan.

Daddy, can I come in, please? Please, please, please?

Daddy, Daddy?

- You don't know she wants money. - Of course she does.

- You don't know that. - That's right, Mom.

Can't I just drop in to see my parents?

Okay, I need $5,000. But it's to study with Korzenowski.

Daddy! Stanislav Korzenowski.

I'll pay you back.

What did you say? What was that?

- I know I owe you some money. - You owe us $32,000.

But it's "the Korzenowski."

Lauren, we sent you to Yale, then London and the institute.

You have been at this acting thing for years, and you haven't earned a dime.

You are still working as a salesgirl!

- Honey, face it. Maybe it's time... - Daddy!

- Hey, what did you do? - Nothing.

You gave her that money. I can't believe that you did that.

She is our only child.

Oh, Daddy! $5,000!

Thank you, Daddy!

Oh, thank you.

Give me back my fuckin'quarter! Damn!

Well, good luck.

I'm Lauren Ames. There's my application, your board, your pen.

- Thank you. - And my down payment.

Keep that for now. You still have to audition.

- Right. - Sit down. Mr. Korzenowski will call you.

Thank you.

La, le, lou, la, le, lou. Ma, me, mi...

You nervous? Sorry.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay. No, it's fine.

I guess we're all a little bit... Don't talk. Right.

Oh, boy, I don't blame you.

This is so intense. Shut up, Weldon.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Isn't there one fuckin' phone in this whole town that works?

You got a phone I can use?

Yeah, hi. This is Sandy Brozinsky. Who's this?

Howie. Okay, Howie.

I'm holding in my hand this thingee that says you're going to turn off my phone at noon.

Oh, yeah? Well, I want to tell you somethin'.

I just got out of the hospital.

I get home after two months of intensive care,

they wheel me into my building, I open my mailbox,

I find your thingee screaming at me I have 'til 12 noon today...

Hey, no, you listen, you listen!

I just opened the damn thing. I just now laid eyes on it for the first time.

What was I supposed to do,

have them unhook the life-support machine so I could pay my bills?

Oh, really? Yeah, so now I have three...

No, two minutes to write a check and wheel myself down to your office?

Howie, is that the drill?

Lo-lo-lo-lo, lo-lo-lo-lo.

24 hours?

24 big ones?

All right, Howie, you're a prince among men.

I mean it. I want to have your child.

Yeah, bye.

Lo-lo-lo-lo... No, stop!

Please, do not screech at anyone else.

I am trying to prepare for an audition here. Thank you.

Oh, yeah? What for?

A workshop with Stanislav Korzenowski.

Who's that?

Only one of the great geniuses of the theater.

Now if you don't mind...

Hey, maybe I should audition for him too. I'm an actress.

Hey, no, I'm a pro. I bet I'm more of a pro than you.

- Uh-huh. - Well, I just made 2500 bucks doin' a movie. Yeah.

That's where I've seen you. It has been driving me crazy.

- You saw "Ninja Vixens"? - I... must have.

Huh. Well, this acting thing's been goin' pretty good.

I mean, it's all just bullshitting, right?

Actors are just bullshitters who get paid.

Where do I sign up?

Just exactly what do you think you're going to do in there?

I don't know. I'll make something up.

You're going into Stanislav Korzenowski and wing it?

Jesus, you'd think I was gonna go in and pee on him.

Listen to me.

You do not audition for a man of Korzenowski's reputation...

without a prepared classical monologue.

That means Shaw, Ibsen, Shakespeare.

I'm doing Ophelia's mad scene. I'm not waltzing in off the street...

saying, "Gee, I think I want to be an actress."

You know what I bet?

I bet you haven't been laid in about a year.

- Ames, Lauren. - Ah, ah.

Yes, I'm coming. I'm... I will be coming...

I'm... I'm ready.

Quickly, Miss Ames.

Have a good mad scene.

It's really great, I just saw it.

Hmm.

I will not only wish you to absorb everything that I say,

I will also wish you to keep notes of everything that I say.

And I will wish to look at those notes.

Now if you say this is like high school,

I do not apologize.

I am an old egotist...

and I want to know that you recorded my ideas.

If you do not, you're gone from the class.

All right, we begin.

We begin with vowel groups.

Vowel groups?

Mr. Weldon,

do you know the difference between a Texas diphthong and a Georgia diphthong?

Sorry I'm late.

They made me fill out all these dumb-ass financial aid forms.

You want 'em?

I cannot believe... I absolutely cannot believe he let her in!

And on scholarship!

I just bet I know what she did as an audition.

The woman has no training, no experience.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong.

I really thought if you worked at your craft...

maybe, just possibly, you get to work with one of the greats.

It's $2.95, not $295.

I knew that.

Something's seriously wrong with my life.

Excuse me.

- Are you all right? - Better.

- I was just... Who cares? May I help you? - Yeah.

- Have you got something in a pumpkin? - The shade pumpkin?

No, a pumpkin costume.

- Oh. - God, I sound like an idiot.

The reason is that I teach grammar school.

- You're a schoolteacher? - Uh-huh.

- You're not an actor? - God, no, I'd be awful. Why do you ask?

Well, there's just so many actors who come in here. Please go on.

Well, we're putting on a little pageant...

and there's a kid in my class who's very insecure.

The other kids pick on him and his mother doesn't sew,

and I think it would give him such a boost to have the best darn costume in the place.

So I thought a professional costumers...

would have an incredible pumpkin.

But I can't go more than $50 because this is coming out of my own pocket.

I'm really sorry, I don't think we have a pumpkin.

What about a squash?

We don't have any vegetables as such.

I'm sorry.

Well, this is the last place on the list,

but I'll just throw something together myself.

I really appreciate your time. Thanks.

Um, listen.

I don't know, maybe someone...

Maybe I could... I've made a lot of my own costumes.

I'm sure it wouldn't be that difficult.

If I could help out, I'd... like to.

That would be fabulous.

- I hope you'll forgive me, Lauren. - For what?

- I don't usually lunge at women like that. - Oh.