A Thousand Words

My name is Jack McCall.

If you can hear me,

what you're listening to is not the sound of my voice.

It's the sound of my inner voice, the one inside my head.

I'd like to talk to you, but I can't.

Because if I say just one more sentence out loud,

I'll die.

Aaron, I have got a very important assignment for you.

Go to Barneys and get me six dozen pair of cashmere blend socks,

40% cashmere.

No, I'm gonna wear 'em, but you're gonna buy 'em.

Do I need six dozen pair of cashmere socks? No, but listen.

Hey, "need" is a tricky word.

Think about it more like this, "want" or "love" are better words.

Think about it. Don't we do everything out of love?

How about this? Do you want, need or love your job?

Well, I love the idea that you need your job. Okay.

Three white witches watch three Swatch watches.

Which witches watch which watch switch...

Okay.

Daddy's gonna hold you 'cause Mommy needs caffeine.

Baby, I don't know if I can work with, "Whaah!"

Oh, look how happy he is with his mommy.

- Yeah. - Yes, he is. He's a mama's boy.

- No, he isn't. - Yes.

There's nothing wrong with being a mama's boy. I'm a mama's boy.

- Oh, my God! - What?

Shaq snuck in the house and shit in the baby's diaper!

Hey!

Excuse me, you think maybe I could cut in front...

I will run you over dead in the parking lot.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

Hello?

What? She's in labor?

Well, tell her to stop pushing!

Look, I can't miss the birth of my first child!

I only went out to get some coffee!

Go ahead. Expectant father coming through!

I got a baby on the way! Thank you. Thank you!

Congratulations, man! You're the man!

Thank you so much! Thank you so much.

Twins? It's twins!

I'm having twins. I'm having twins.

Thank you. It's on the house? Thank you so much!

- Thank you. Thank you. - Congratulations!

We live in a world that's obsessive and controlling.

I think I care too much. I think that's what you would say about me,

that I care too much.

I think that's what everybody would say about me, that I care too much.

This coffee's incredible. Do you ever stop to think about

what people are thinking about when you're not in the room?

What do people think when I'm not there?

That's the thought that I want to know.

What do people think when I'm not there?

I know you think something when I'm there,

but when I'm not there, what are you thinking?

What are you thinking when I'm not in the room?

That's the real thought. Or do you ever wonder who's on line with you?

You could be on line with somebody. I'm not talking about the computer.

I'm talking about the real line, the real line,

the old-fashioned line with somebody behind you, somebody in front of you.

That line is dangerous 'cause you don't know who that is.

Or an elevator!

You're in a elevator, door closed, you're in the room with this person.

They could pull out a knife and start doing all kinds of shit to you.

You get in elevators all the time. Elevators are crazy.

Hey, what about restaurants?

You could be in a restaurant sitting next to somebody who's a maniac

and they're right next to you in a chair, and they're ordering like the same thing.

Look at you smiling and this person just, you know, stabbed somebody in the ass

and now they sitting next to the table next to you.

This could be happening all the time.

Jack! If I may...

Hey, Doc, I think we're about out of time.

But I feel so much better.

Thank you so much. You know, you're a genius.

Good morning, Mr. McCall.

I don't mean to be pushy and I know you get hit up all the time.

I was just wondering if you had a chance to read my manuscript.

Your manuscript?

Hey, Reverend Marcus. How's my favorite client?

I just need to know if I'm going home to Nebraska, work on my dad's farm,

or, you know, maybe you could just read 20 pages.

Hold on one second. Hey, look, I'm getting closer on your manuscript.

It's moved from my kitchen table to my nightstand,

and next, it'll be by my toilet and that's where it'll get read, okay?

Reverend, two words, "gripping" and "necessary". Hold on one sec.

Hey, can you do me a favor?

Can you polish my rims for me?

And don't park my car under the trees with all those birds?

Reverend, Lord, Where's My Money? Is the best thing you've ever written.

Jack McCall's office, please hold.

You're already holding? Okay, continue to hold. Thanks.

Jack McCall's office.

I don't care. Just take him to the vet. I don't know, Mom!

I don't... Mom, I got to go.

Yes, I did have a great weekend.

And, yes, I would like some coffee.

I look good, right?

I finished picking out all the mini-marshmallows out of your cereal.

All the mini-marshmallows?

Except the yellow moons, obviously.

Mr. McCall?

I know that I'm just an assistant. And I really appreciate...

Hey, Aaron, this is my office.

This isn't the confessional booth at MTV, all right?

No, no, I know. I know. I would never confess. I'm just...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I'm gonna

be an agent one day, I'm not really sure how this...

You have to speak like me, talk like me, study me!

Learn to speak your mind, but do it quickly.

You have to remember, this is all part of your training.

Okay. Okay, great. I almost forgot. The weekend read.

If I do say so myself,

I thought that the Antarctica submission was pretty good. Have you read it?

Absolutely not. Why would I do that?

Let me explain something to you.

All your best books have everything you need to know in the first five pages

and the last five pages, okay?

Here we go. Woman meets man.

Pregnant. War. Alone.

War over. Baby older. New man.

Happily ever after. Bestseller.

Wow.

Did you prepare the conference room?

Yeah. PowerPoint's all set up, nobody knows a thing.

Okay. Well, get out of here.

Everyone here is familiar with Dr. Sinja.

Dr. Sinja is the most popular

nondenominational religious leader on the planet.

He's a holistic healer and a New Age dispenser of wisdom

with a following in the tens of millions.

This guy can fill up a football stadium on a Tuesday.

Our conventional spirit guides always ask the seeker,

"What do you want?"

I challenge you to ask yourself,

"What does life want from me?"

"What does the greater purpose want from me?"

Look at this guy's attendance figures.

He's outselling Céline Dion, U2,

Billy Graham and Hannah Montana!

What's his actual philosophy?

"In quiet, there is truth." Some shit like that. Something like that.

Just your typical New Age bullshit crap.

That's what my Aunt May used to call it. New Age bullshit crap.

And if anybody can sell some New Age bullshit crap, it's me.

Jack, it's a spiritual movement.

Yeah, I have a spiritual movement every time I eat a bran muffin.

- God! - All right, all right, Jack.

Assuming you can actually get an audience with the guy,

you're not the only agent in town who has this information.

What makes you think you can talk Sinja into signing with you?

I'm Jack McCall. This is what I do.

Hey, I can talk anybody into doing anything.

Help me sing it

Breathe in.

And release.

Quiet your mind until there are no thoughts.

Then you can see your true nature.

Your face before your parents were born.

"Your face before your parents were born"?

That's a great title for a kids' show.

It has many names.

Nirvana, kensho, bliss,

divinity, illumination. Let's call it the Blue Pearl.

It's okay. Our truth can be painful.

Pain is the touchstone of growth.

- That'd be a badass T-shirt. - It's okay.

Laugh, cry. They're close cousins.

Just let it out.

He sees the Blue Pearl.

It's okay. It's okay.

Students meditate for years

and never see what you have seen today.

Your inner self.

That makes you a very special person, Mr...

McCall.

Jack McCall. Thank you so much.

Sorry, I don't know what happened.

I just got overcome with emotion. I'm sorry.

My years and years of focused silence

just finally delivered me to...

- Enlightenment? - Enlightenment, yes. Enlightenment.

Sorry. Hold that a second.

I'm so sorry. Play it four times and it stops.

That is bad.

Oh, the Blue Pearl.

The Blue Pearl is so blue.

The Blue Pearl is so shiny

and so pearly.

"Three things will not long be hidden.

"The sun, the moon,

"and the truth."

Is there a reason for your visit today, Jack McCall?

Well, sir, I am not one to waste time.

I understand you've written a book.

That is true.

Well, I'm an agent.

And all my career I've dreamed that I'd get to represent

someone who I believed in. I believe in you.