Sirens

Ready in five, Voo.

- Load us up. - Got it, Cash.

Hi.

Hi... Voo...

Doo?

I mean, Val... do you like Val or Voo?

Or Doo? I like all of 'em.

I never know what to call you.

I like Voodoo, Brian.

Okay, Voo.

Voodoo.

- This was fun. -

God damn it!

Mama lost the election

for President of the Church Altar Committee

to Sister Beulah Watkins.

Second year in a row, right?

I keep telling her to join the choir.

That's where all the power is.

Sh...

I'm supposed to go to her house for dinner tomorrow night.

You gotta go with me, man, because if I show up alone,

she gonna open up the big bottle of Pinot Grigio

and all night it's gonna be like,

"that bitch Beulah is messin' up my walk with Jesus."

I would, but I-I can't.

My dad's taking Theresa and I out.

He wants to meet her.

He was pretty adamant about it too.

He called, like, three times to set it up.

I think I finally got a real father-son thing going on here.

Many thanks, buddy.

See? What I tell you?

Let the healing begin.

Brian, do you wanna go to dinner

at my mom's house tomorrow?

Don't believe I can, we're gonna be busy. I'm asking Voodoo to dinner.

Italian.

Voodoo?

Um... uh, Bri,

Voodoo doesn't really do dinner dates with guys.

She's, um... She not like other girls.

I know. That's why I like her.

Yeah, she's not like other Humans.

- I know, she's different. - Yeah, different.

- Dark. Very dark. - Very.

How dark?

Like Darth Vader with tits dark.

I love how I never know what she's gonna say next.

I know exactly what she's not gonna say next,

which is "Brian, I'm never, ever having sex with you."

- She's asexual. - Mm-hmm.

- Meaning? - She doesn't have sex.

- With? - Anyone.

- Never? - Both: Uh uh.

Seriously?

Yeah, look, I don't have the imagination

to make up a sexual pathology that strange and that boring.

Maybe she just hasn't met the right guy yet.

Well, she met Johnny Depp

outside of Gibson's steakhouse last year.

- And? - She said he looked clammy.

Kiss me, Brian.

Kiss me, Brian.

I am you father.

- Stop. - Both: You try it on.

Ambulance needed.

3141 West Chase.

Oh, that's Harriet. Get that shit.

Ambulance 14 responding!

Both: Oh!

- Yes. - Sweet Harriet.

God damn you, Hank.

Too late.

Hey, we got dibs on the next call.

Son of a...

Who's Harriet?

- Oh. -

Harriet is the world's best frequent flyer.

- Cool. - Mm-hmm.

- I have no idea what that is. -

Look, a frequent flyer

is somebody who calls the ambulance all the time.

Yeah, they're usually hypochondriacs

or dudes who want free drugs,

or old people who just need a free ride to the doctor.

Part of the job, but Harriet is the one

who makes 'em all worthwhile.

She is the Michael Jeffrey Jordan of frequent flyers.

Always a friendly smile, never a serious ailment,

and always a fresh baked batch of cookies waiting on us.

I haven't been to mass in over a year,

but if these cookies were communion wafers,

- I'd become a Jesuit. - Oh, these cookies

will make you lose your shit

You gonna lose your shit, Brian.

I hate to trouble you boys,

but I just can't get comfortable.

You have nothing to apologize for, Harriet.

It's that doctor who put in that hip replacement.

He's the one should apologize.

Now, stop that.

I won't hear a word said against Dr. Kaplan.

Oh.

Your chariot is ready, ma'am.

I like this one.

Well, this one likes that one too.

I don't see why I have to go to the doctor.

You boys have made me feel better already.

Well, we'll take you anyway, as long as we're here.

Oh, is that the oven?

Are you cooking something?

I thought I smelled something

- when we came in here. - It smells so-

Oh, you.

- Henry. - Hmm?

Would you be so kind as to take the cookies out for me?

Yes, ma'am.

He's probably gonna need

an extra set of hands.

Harriet's chariot.

Harriet... excuse me.

Mmm.

- Damn you, Harriet. - Mmm!

You did it again, you Devil, you.

You. You know what you did.

Look at her. She knows what she did.

- Mm-hmm. - Holy shit.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

These are unbelievable.

I've never heard him curse before.

You have outdone yourself.

Uh, Mrs. Fields, your services are no longer required.

Who's Mrs. Fields?

- All: Exactly! -

We got dibs on the next Harriet call.

First come, first served, Cash.

- You know how it works. - Them's the rules.

Those are the rules. Grammar!

I know what the rules are.

I made the rules.

I'm just asking for a little courtesy.

I'm a decorated veteran of a foreign war here.

Ready in three, Voo.

- Load us up. - Got it.

Hey, Voo...

- Doo. - Hello.

I love that Voodoo that you do so well.

Frank Sinatra.

Okay. See you later.

Asexuality is actually a very interesting phenomenon.

I did some very extensive research last night.

Oh, of course you did.

It's like this whole new movement.

They have a society with a manifesto and everything.

They even have a symbol.

What is it, a limp penis reading an encyclopedia?

It's a grey triangle.

- Jesus. - What?

- I thought the rainbow was bad. - Oh.

You want my honest opinion?

- Wow. - You dodged a bullet, Bri.

Yeah, yeah, Voodoo's crazy.

Even if she was sexual, you'd probably wind up

tied up in a dungeon with an old Pantera T-shirt

- stuffed in your mouth. -

Chicago North.

Ambulance requested.

3906 West Byron.

Ambulance 14 responding.

I'm not giving up on this,

'cause I tell you, guys.

Whenever I'm around her,

I get butterflies in my stomach.

Those aren't butterflies, Brian.

That's the very real fear

that your body parts will be found

in several pieces of antique luggage.

Climb into the suitcase, Brian.

Well, the force is strong with this one.

- - What?

- You're such a dork. - Geek.

Well, you guys were the one doing the Star Wars thing.

- We're making fun of it. - We're making fun of Star Wars.

Why would you make fun of it?

It's an amazing trilogy.

Gonna need to stop that bleeding.

- Find the digit, Bri. - I'm on it.

Let me ask you a question.

You ever seen this many birdhouses?

Does this look sane to you?

They're gifts, Irene.

Gifts mean something more when they're made personal.

The all look the same.

It's my brand.

People do appreciate a homemade gift.

No one wants a birdhouse.

Birds want them, Irene! Birds!

- Oop, I found it. - Hey.

Can't make any guarantees,